Partner in blinding debt- what would you do?

What protections did he have in place when the company folded (as in was it a limited company?) is he legally liable for the business debts? First port of call is seeking legal advice (or splitting up with him and then add yourself to the list of people he owes money to).

I agree with this, his debts are (hopefully) not from irresponsible things. If you love him I would stick it out but only if he's willing to sort things about with everything out in the open. It sounds like he's in a mare and his pride is taking over in not wanting to speak to you about it. But he absolutely has to open up, you both figure out how much he owes and get debt advice asap. It sounds like a big loan to pay off individual creditors and get them off his back is needed. Then a repayment plan that he can afford to get it paid off. There are companies that help with this and even write off part of the debt as far as I'm aware depending on how much is owed and circumstances.

I have to say though it is strange (to me) to have a couple with kids and you lending him money for rent rather than just helping him out, but if you helping him out wasn't financially viable then I understand.

This is so poor. OP was right to maintain separate finances, who knows how much he would have bled from her.

It's a shame she didn't dump him instead of giving him her life savings. Sounds like the 10k is a drop in the ocean compared to all the creditors popping up.

The last thing she should do is marry him.

Of course it’s personal: he owes you £10k and you have joint responsibility for children.

OP, has he got a job? Does he have any means of getting himself out of this?

It sounds as if he is overwhelmed, panicked and has put his head in the sand.

Assuming you would like to keep your relationship and seethe return of your £10k, I would take a supportive but firm approach.

Offer to get him an appointment with debt counselling, work in a business plan / employment plan to recover etc. Tell him he can’t live like this, it is too stressful for him, and you need to address it together so you can support him.

Good luck!

Sounds like you treat each other as room mates rather than as partners. Do you live together? Sounds like you have no intention to marry him. Why stay?

I don't think that's the case. It's more that she's known the situation and had a baby with him recently so she's chosen to throw her lot in with him and is also in the hole. She can of course leave him and let him deal with the debt himself. That's always an option. But she's not done that so far, she's given him her life savings which are almost certainly gone for good, so she's invested in this mess and it's presumably in her interests to not have her DP (if she keeps him) taken to court. I think that's all people are saying, not that he's an innocent at all.

Debt Advisor here. I suggest you get this moved to the Money Matters section.

First things first:

Are any of the debts joint?
Any suggestion that he has run up debts in your name?
Do you have any JOINT financial products such as a current account?
Has he approached a debt advice agency?

If he's not willing to talk and find a way forward then time to detach from him completely.

Do you have family support?

So as you’ve been paying his share of the rent which is £10K, this situation has been going on for years. Why didn’t you insist he get at least a part-time job, so you could leave at least some of your life savings where they were? Like others have said, you won’t be getting that £10K back.

If he’s lying about money, he’s lied to you about other things. For now I would focus on your support network and quickly forming an escape plan.

There are a strange number of people on this thread thinking he is some innocent victim who deserves OPs help. He is an adult who has 2 children and has made some poor business decisions and then failed to act as a partner and communicate or try to fix them.

I acknowledge that these are only opinions as is mine but I would say it’s not your problem to fix as appears to be PP’s view. You aren’t the one who needs to dig him out of this hole- he does. Yet again an expectation of the woman having to do the hard work and pick up pieces. I would leave, protect your children and yourself and not look back

The problem here isn't the debt in itself op, it's that he's refusing to deal with it or be open about it. Which would make me worry he's doing head in the sand and may not even know himself how bad it is which will make it worse to get out of.

If he is otherwise a good partner then I'd try again to help him and set up a meeting with CAP who are a really good help for people in debt. They can consolidate his debts, act as intermediary so that his debtors are going to them instead of him and he will pay them a set amount which is divided out among debtors until its all repaid. I would be very worried about his mental health trying to deal with that alone but ultimately op, if he refuses your help there is nothing more you can do for him. And then your only option will be to leave because he's not treating you like a partner and you've really no way to know what you're dealing with. I get that he maybe thinks he's protecting you from it all but really the unknown is worse than facing it head on and starting to address it and regain control. You need to know exactly what you're dealing with so that you can seperate home and all money so that you can protect your children.

When debtors start contacting you then you know it's really bad. Hopefully you're not married?

I'd seperate housing and finances before bailiffs turn up. He needs to leave OP. He's not going to pay you back.

If you're someone's 'partner' and you have children together, then not talking about your debt isn't an option.

You're going to o be bottom of his list to payback. You're unlikely to see it anytime soon. So you need a frank discussion about family finances going forward.

Also if the business isn't making enough money for him to clear debts and contribute to family, then what he needs is a job.

I think you need to focus on the business debt rather than him “owing” you rent money: you’re a couple with children living together, paying the rent on your shared home when he wasn’t earning is ultimately part and parcel of being a couple

This. It'd be different if you didn't know about the debt before going onto have another baby together, but you're a couple with kids and a home to fund. You may well want to keep finances separate and that's wise in many ways given he's not good with money, but the fact is the 10k you've paid on his 'rent' (rent for the home you share with your DC) is money you've spent on your family, not really money he owes you back unless he has a massive windfall. The business debts are the priority and if you're a team, he'll snap out of this 'my business' mentality because it's your business too, not just because you're being chased for the debt, but because you're financially supporting him too.

He needs to accept you have to work together on this or you'll really have to separate your finances and live separately. But then your DC's father will just get even more in the hole. Be a team, get help from Step Change etc to make a proper plan to repay the debts, or make plans to manage without him.

He is burying his head in the sand. If you want to help him and stay together you must insist on sitting down with him and going through his debts and working out a payment plan. Perhaps a bank loan to pay off debts then pay that back over time?

If he says no I would make it clear that you know the debt is bad and you’re willing to work through it with him for the sake of your family and relationship. If the answer is still no I think you need to leave him and walk away. Write off those savings and get yourself free of his other debts.

He could have been handed some sympathy if he hadn't dragged his partner into financial ruin with him. He could have declared bankruptcy before that happened.

Sounds like he's massively overwhelmed and needs some clear objective advice.
Maybe he needs to declare bankruptcy, but when you are that far on the back foot financially you need to take stock and face it.

Not easy to persuade someone to do that when they are in a state of overwhelm/panic/shame etc etc...

But they're are mechanisms and routes that are better than others even from this position. It's there anyone he would listen to who could be trusted to give him support to be brave and tackle things?

Your finances aren't separate @lipglossandmascara , you've given him your life savings.

Bluntly, you've been an idiot. You're never going to see this money again, whether you stay with him or not. He's lying to you about how much debt he's in, and even if he pays you some of it back, he's going to ask for it again later to pay someone scarier than you.

Get out now, and if you have any sort of debt agreement with him then take him to small claims court for the money.

Youre not going to see your money again. Is his business profitable? Could you accept shares in lieu of your 10k with the idea that, at the very least, you could hope for dividends or equity in the end?

It sounds like most of his debts are personal and not through his business so I’m not sure how much an IVA etc would assist.

Do his parents plan to leave him anything? Are they in a position to allow him some early inheritance to get a clean slate with family/friends? Or at least clear half his debts etc.

I’m sympathetic as COVID and Brexit ruined many businesses however he needs to get real and sit down & talk to you. This is completely unfair on you. I’d reply to the message with “thanks for the message. I’ll pass it on to partners name as I’m completely uninvolved or able to assist with this situation” and then stop replying.

The point is not that you’re not supporting him, but his lack of honesty is impacting on you big time, it would be very different if you were tackling this together but you are being kept in the dark which is so unfair!

He’s not a partner if he’s not being open with you. Hard though it is you have to look to separate all your affairs and leave him.

You are never ever going to see your £10k again, never. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can detach yourself from this sponge and walk away having learned a very expensive mistake.

He needs to look into an IVA

I think he can be handed a bit of sympathy on the basis his debts from business failure during Covid rather than being stupid with money. What percentage of his annual income is the £6,000? It’s not, in the grand scheme of things, an absolute fortune: he needs to communicate with the business contact about setting up a payment plan rather than stick his head in the sand.

I think you need to focus on the business debt rather than him “owing” you rent money: you’re a couple with children living together, paying the rent on your shared home when he wasn’t earning is ultimately part and parcel of being a couple and if a woman was posting that her male partner was demanding she pay him back for paying the rent on their joint home when she wasn’t earning anything, I don’t think the responses would be in the partner’s favour.