Partner in blinding debt- what would you do?

I'd not be having DC with a man in debt. I'd tell him either he sits down together and goes through all debt with a view of repaying it together or you split up and you take DC and he keeps his own debt. You won't ever get the £10k back it's gone, you gave it away to him. I suspect he will be taken to court and eventually go bankrupt. If you are together that will affect your credit too.

This is an old thread. Why on earth has it been resurrected today?

a) don't marry him as his debt is your debt b) do not lend him any more money (agree that you probably won't see the c) 10,000 back) c) encourage/insist him to talk to a specialist/citizens advice/Step Change about his business debt. He has two young children to consider and he does not have to face this on his own. Many others have been down this route and help is out there.

It didn't read to me like they live together? I read it as op has paid his rent on his own home.

This

I would leave him either now or some months after your baby is born if you can’t face it now.

I'm inclined to think the lack of honesty is more of an issue than the debt. It's also a real pity that he confused his business and personal life by borrowing from friends and family.
My dh died a year ago and our entire life together was marred by him lying to me, stealing and generally getting into massive debt.Like your partner, his first business failure wasn't of his making but he never really recovered from it and we almost lost the family home on 2 occasions.
I bought him our of the house although he continued to live there until his death. In my case it wasn't possible for me to have a relationship with someone I couldn't trust.
Your partner needs to get good financial advice and treat the relationship issues separately.

Is all his debt tied to the business? Is it a Ltd company or sole trader structure?

I simply can't believe that with all of this debt and him owing you £10k, that you thought it was a good idea to bring another child into this mess OP. It seems to me that you're as bad as each other and both burying your heads in the sand.

However, that being said, I think your best bet at this stage, is to give him an ultimatum, he stops burying his head in the sand, shares all information about the situation with you, and you go to Citizen's Advice together to get proper advice on the best way to handle this situation, OR, you part ways, and he sorts it on his own.

Full disclosure from him, lay it all out how much is owed, to whom, and how long it has been. What (if anything) has he paid already and are there any payment plans ongoing?

Then you know what you're dealing with.

Take steps to separate your finances as much as possible so as to not drag you into it and make you liable.

Then get a proper debt advisor onboard to tackle it.

If his creditors are contacting you, losing your £10k is the least of both your problems. Drag him to a debt advisor/CAB so you can work together to find the solutions. If he refuses to engage, then get advice on how to protect yourself and the children. That may mean moving out. If he can't be honest with you when you're trying to support him, I'm afraid that doesn't bode well for the relationship.

This in a nutshell.

Since the beginning of his problem was a failed business, I would have some sympathy. However, I would not have loaned him money without full financial transparency. I would also not stay in the relationship without financial transparency. Even without the loan, it absolutely is your business because it impacts the stability of the household and the future of your shared children.

I would expect to sit down and go over the books together. Depending on the situation, it may be worth spending some money to seek professional financial advice.

I’d just leave him, he’s too expensive to keep.

I was going to say the same thing...

Ridiculous he was happy to discuss 10k and borrow it off you but not anything else!

Think if he can't have an adult conversation then nothing you can do except walk away.

Do not marry him under any circumstances. Ever.

I mean, there are two problems here, one is the debt, and the other is his attitude towards you when you try to find out about it and potentially help. The debt is probably fixable one way or another, depending on the nature of the debt and the terms it was entered into. You and he both need legal advice and debt counselling. The nuclear option would be for him to declare bankruptcy but there may be middle ground. He probably needs to accept he's not cut out for business ownership (and may be disqualified from it in future, depending). You need to kiss goodbye to your £10K, I think.

All of this would be a considerable problem if he was willing to be honest and cooperative with providing details and complying with the harsh things that need to be done, but given that he's not so far, and not even managing the very basic thing of acknowledging that, as partners with 2 kids, this is your business and does affect you, then I would say the debt is the least of your problems. Even if he somehow manages to salvage the situation financially (unlikely), the fact that he isn't working with you as a team or being honest with you is going to cause problems for you throughout your relationship together, either financially again, or for some other reason that can't be predicted. The basic lack of respect he has for you as an equal in this situation would be a dealbreaker for a lot of women, and rightly imo.

You need to give him an ultimatum - and mean it - of cooperating fully and making a plan that you're fully included in for this to be a viable relationship going forward. Even then, you're probably going to have to be on constant look out for things that he concealed or minimised, because it doesn't seem that openness and admission of imperfection is in his skillset. Just writing it makes me feel weary and stressed on your behalf. I think your future self would probably thank you for just walking away from all of this now tbh.

The anxious sick feeling will recede once you start taking action btw.

Who is responsible for the bills in your home? Is there any chance some of those could be falling into arrears too?
Get him contact StepChange and ask for a Breathing Space Agreement, it basically means creditors cannot pursue action against him for 60 days whilst he works with them to come out with a budget and a plan to repay his debt, they can help with IVAs etc.
They are impartial and free to use, they were a godsend to me when I got in financial difficulty a few years ago.

OP’s partner doesn’t owe her anything, legally. She chose to pay that rent using her life savings.

It would be the lying and shutting down that would be a massive issue for me - my trust would be gone. I would probably leave due to the breach of trust. Perhaps he needs some counselling and therapy though to help him face up to what's happened - it must be causing him immense stress so I would look into it for him. There's a reason he's unable to face up to it and it needs professional help, debt management charity plus counselling (ask via NHS). Perhaps as a non-negotiable in terms of the relationship and going forwards - get counselling and a debt management plan before you will consider if the relationship is worth saving. If he refuses to do that as well as be more open about what is going on, then leave him. A relationship without trust is not a relationship.

How is it so poor? It sounds like unfair treatment from both sides. If sexes were reversed everyone would be saying his money goes in the family pot as they have children.

Is he working now?

Check your credit record and make sure he hasn’t taken out any debt in your name.