ExDH came out as gay

Oh well… no need to ask then is there. This is about the OP, not you.

I'll cope with what?

You didn't, it was just a comment on your attitude, which was quite dogmatic

Yes… where did I say it didn’t apply to women?!

Yes, I read that.

"all amicable" and "everyone happy" doesn't necessarily mean that OP had a positive experience.

I suspect OP has been low priority throughout, for many years. To the extent that she needs to ask us if it's ok to have feelings for herself.

So, I'm asking this lady if she had a positive experience in her own right.

You'll cope.

The same attitude therefore must apply to the innumerable women who do exactly the same thing

Of course your feelings are valid, but you are in probably shocked too. Would you feel different if he was seeing a woman ?
From your OP, he sounds a lovely person, and clearly respected you enough to tell you before telling the kids so that you could give them support if required. Ok, just because he sounds nice doesn't invaldate your reaction nor your thoughts and feelings.
You both need to discuss the potential questions the kids may have and how you want to answer them, try to present a united front, even if you are screaming inside.
No consolation, but you'd be surprised at the number of middle-ti-later-aged lesbians who were previously married with kids. No doubt thei ex's felt the same
Wishing you well

He knew he liked men long before you split and on some level he would have always known.
You are perfectly right, he has lies and betrayed you and wasted years of your life. If he was straight then maybe the attraction and relationship might not of fizzled out but the fact he’s gay the relationship was always doomed.

Didn't you read the 1st para? OP said they did 50/50 parenting , had family meals and all very happy

Your feelings are your feelings, but feeling something doesn’t make it true. You feel he lied to you, but that doesn’t mean he did. It sounds like you two have had a very good relationship as co-parents, even if you didn’t work as a couple, and from what you’ve said, I don’t see a reason to assume he’s lying.

Dear OP,

You feel how you feel. Feelings don't need to be rational or correct. There's no right or wrong. They are what they are and you mustn't judge yourself harshly for them. Permit yourself to have feelings.

Can I ask, have you had a mostly positive experience of coparenting with your ex so far?

Its going to be HUGE for the kids

I would personally advice them to hold off telling them for awhile, November isnt that long ago and they are all going to need alot of time to adjust

Maybe a good idea if you were there when he tells them for some moral support and if the boys want to leave or ask you questions

As a pp said.

He seems to have a lot of respect for you to tell you in the way he did, that doesn't sound like someone who has been lying to you.

Plenty of people find their sexuality develops as time goes on, it doesn't mean that before they recognised it they were being deceitful.

Its also not a reflection on your relationship & marriage with him, nor does it change what you had together.

I appreciate it's a shock, but I genuinely don't believe he lied to you. I firmly believe he loved you when you were married, still loves you and obviously respects you, and has only very recently been able to come to terms with his sexuality. He lived with shame for years trying to come to terms with this. That is heartbreaking.

You feel how you feel but if he's a decent man then there's no reason to think he ever lied to you. Sexuality can be fluid and a lot of people realise later in life that they aren't straight.

He loved you, you have your boys. He now loves this other person and wants to have a life with him.