ExDH came out as gay

Friends of ours are mid 50s.
Both were married to women and both had two sons.
Both marriages broke up about 8 years ago.
These two men met, and are now happily married. One is a grandad.
The son's of the original marriages are accepting and supportive of their relationship.
It doesn't have to have a poor outcome.

No wonder you are feeling sad. What a shock.
Your ex is being honest now however I also think he is being a bit selfish in wanting to play happy families with the kids..
His new life is working out for him, that is good. My focus would be all three children - you, of course, your boys.
Are your children at a secure enough age to cope with the shock?
I would choose for your kids to only have to cope with the divorce until they have finished school.
Meeting Mum or Dad's new friends is unthreatening but meeting new partners, male or female (and to have their father turning gay), no way.
I would leave the new sex life for the adults to absorb for a while yet. I am super conscious of unsettling teenagers though.

You are allowed to feel however you feel - you process it however you need to.

However, he sounds like a great man and co-parent, you were very young when you got together and he won’t have known that he was gay then, or it’s extremely u likely anyway. Many people don’t realise that they’re gay until much later in life. It doesn’t mean that he lied to you or betrayed you. Hopefully when you’ve processed it, it won’t change anything between the four of you. It may not be as big for the kids as you’d imagine. It will certainly be big news for them but kids are so much more open to different types of relationship and sexuality these days - they may take the change very well. Of course, they may not and may need some extra support from you. But all in all it sounds like your ex is a good man who is dealing with this sensitively. Problems that could arise are more likely to be the general problems that occur when one parent is dating someone and they and their children are introduced, regardless of sexuality.

Well said

100%. It should be no more devastating for the kids to meet dad’s new male partner than his female one and they will be fine. Mainly because unlike some posters, we don’t live in the 1980s.

Well that’s a really bad comparison because we don’t live in a society where we always presume people are gay, ram homosexuality down people’s throats at every minute, discriminate against people if they are not gay. So it would be pretty unlikely that someone who came out as gay switched to being straight because they obviously felt their sexuality strongly and went against society’s norms and came out. But there are LOTS who grew up in a homophobic world, were always taught it was normal to be attracted to the opposite sex and that they should meet a man/woman and get married because that’s what everyone does. They might feel that something is ‘off’ but it is entirely plausible that they don’t know what that is and that they have never considered the possibility of them being gay.

Also, FYI, I do know people who have been in same sex relationships and then get into an opposite sex one. So it’s not unheard of at all and how you label yourself at any given moment in time isn’t really relevant.

And the comments in here that insinuate the children will be devastated are totally homophobic. My sisters kids are absolutely fine, actually better than fine; thriving with another adult in their lives who is consistent, supportive, kind and fun. But then we always raised my nieces to know that gay relationships existed and were literally no big deal.

I really disagree with this. There are plenty of people who come out later in life after happy, positive fulfilling straight relationships. Plenty of people that just out of the blue fall in love with someone the same sex (it happened to my sister amongst others in my circle).

My sister didn't lie, she didn't know and her marriage break up was for completely different reasons (the usual, men being emotionally distant and neglectful and financially abusive)

I find it very odd, and actually homophobic, to suggest that one’s sexuality is ‘fluid’. Sexuality is innate. I’ve never come across someone who has always said they are gay who suddenly decides they are actually straight when they hit their 40s. Internalised homophobia is an actual thing, sadly as a result of ignorance and lack of acceptance of homosexuality.
OP, your dh will always have been at least gay, if not bisexual. And he would have known. But he may not have been able to openly admit it, and have done his best to suppress it, which is very sad. It will have taken a lot for him to come out to you.

Such an unhelpful answer. This man lived with something he found enormously difficult for years and tried desperately not to be the person he suspected, very deep down, he really was. He evidently cares deeply for OP. Reducing his behaviour to lying and wasting OPs time feels most harsh when what he was really doing was simply trying to live the life he thought he SHOULD live.

If you are happily split now, then why not try to see the good side of this. If he has found a nice new partner of either sex then it can only be a positive. It doesn’t mean he has always been lying to you. But if he was, he was obviously lying to himself at the same time and that was an unhealthy way to live. Discovery his true sexuality now must be liberating and it is good that he has been honest with you. Hopefully your kids will be open minded when they find out too as young people are much more accepting of fluid sexuality these days. Once you have got over the shock, I hope you like his partner and you can all become friends.

Lots of prejudiced veiled homophobic comments on here. No, a lot of people genuinely do not know they are gay until later on. It may not have been anything that has occurred to them or they fell in love with a person, regardless of their sex. Maybe they did feel something wasn’t right but that doesn’t mean it was a calculated lie. People on here are saying that women and men do this are the lowest of the low and questioning whether the kids ever need to know as it will be so “hard” for them to deal with. You wouldn’t bat an eyelid if it was a new female partner.
This guy seems emotionally mature, a good parent and he didn’t cheat on the OP. It doesn’t matter whether his new partner is male or female, he is entitled to move on and he is entitled for his kids to know his partner and his partner’s DD.

Not just this, as with any type of adulterous relationship, tests will need to be done to check for STDs etc. OP’s ex probably knew but chose not to admit it. It’s one thing saying that a person is bi, but to be adamant that that they’re gay shows that deep down they knew but perhaps buried it and either intentionally or unintentionally lied.

Well yes, if he ever wants to introduce his partner which he’ll be entitled to do as would a woman.

It must have been a shock. I would wait until you’ve had a chance to process a bit then have a long conversation about telling the children (how best to do it etc). This happened to my friend and it somehow got out at school and her youngest child was picked on. The school were supportive anbd both children ended up having counselling. Obviously this won’t necessarily happen but worth thinking through some worst case scenarios maybe. Do you know anything about the new partner? They or the dad could be the target of some strong emotions so worth being extra sure.

My friend also went through a massive confidence crisis and felt her marriage had been a lie. She is now very happy with a new partner.

Poor you. You are in shock. You have been lied to and that will hurt. He will have known, or he at least will have known something wasn't quite right.

I would be devastated by this and I can absolutely see why you feel betrayed and lied to. Be kind to yourself.
I would probably think less of him tbh for not knowing this earlier in his life and for making the choices he made which have impacted everyone.

I think this will be massive for the kids. I would ask him to wait longer and not make any introductions yet. I think he is underestimating how much of an impact this will have on the children. Do they need to know? I’d be worried he is telling them to validate things for himself tbh. And I probably would trust his decision making less so than I might have previously as I think it’s a big thing to have revealed that he had no idea of before. Best of luck op be kind to yourself xo

I think you’re also in shock just now, but over the next few weeks you’ll probably start to have realisations of hints and indicators that happened throughout your marriage that you missed at the time.

Also, what if they hadn’t split amicably 4 years ago? Would he have divorced her when he ‘realised’ his sexuality or had an affair when he met the man he’s with now?

Exactly this!

I don’t understand most people commenting. Men (and women) who do this are the lowest of the low.

Women are not disposable items for gay men to use as a beard and/or for children, then discard them when they finally have the guts to come out.

He may not have fully accepted his sexuality when he was married to you, but he’d have known he was repressing something and didn’t confess to you that he may have been questioning things.

Sexuality isn’t just a bad habit or personality trait that you can hide or act like it doesn’t exist, it’s a part of your identity and who you are. It will always come out in the end, no matter how hard you try to repress it.

While things may have been amicable when you split and you may still have a good relationship now, that doesn’t change the fact that he did lie to you for your entire marriage.
He may have loved you, but he couldn’t have ever been in love with you if he’s gay. Being in love with someone includes many factors, but 2 of the main parts are sexual and romantic attraction. Things a gay man can’t feel for a woman.

The way you feel is understandable, OP. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I personally couldn’t forgive this and would want nothing else to do with him, especially considering your children are nearly adults.

It's understandable you feel hurt by this, but I don't believe it means he lied or that your love and life together weren't real. I think sexuality can change for some people. I've always been straight, can honestly say I've never once been attracted to a woman until the last 12 months. I don't know what happened, but somewhere between seperating from my abusive ex and starting peri menopause I've found I'm now attracted to women. I have been wondering if its related to menopause. I loved my XH deeply, there were no lies and no covering up or denying my truth including to myself. My family is accepting and wouldn't GAF if I was gay. I would love an explanation of why this has changed, how this is possible. It's confusing and disconcerting. I don't particularly want to be reassessing my sexuality in my 40s.

OP what a shock for you.
I would book myself an appointment for a sexual health test, I'm not sure I would believe he hasn't explored his sexuality while married to you.

My friend went through this 3 years ago with her ex husband. He told her the story that he hadn’t known when he was married to her, thst he’d only recently began to explore etc. That turned out to be a load of bullshit. It became apparent he had known all along and had explored plenty before.

She still feels angry that he made her live a lie and she’s in therapy. The kids took some time away from him at first as it was a shock for them and they wanted to support their mum. Since finding out that he had lied and knew all along, they hardly see him.

Her therapist said it’s common for men to say they didn’t know when they did. Since this happened to my friend, she’s found other women who this has happened too. I’d say brace yourself for more revelations OP.

💐

Disagree. Without even being conscious of doing it, people can jump through all sorts of mental hoops to avoid their sexuality.

Of course it’s very confronting for you. And your feelings are valid. However, there is an increasing awareness that sexuality can change over the course of a life. There are larger numbers of women who first identify as lesbian in the second half of their lives. He may have been bisexual when you were married, but bisexuals can be/are faithful to their partner (as are straight people). If you think him to be a good person and you usually trust him, trust that he has told you the full truth.

You are allowed to feel however you feel. It’s a shock revelation for sure. However a lot of people find their sexuality fluid. He probably didn’t feel gay when he was with you because he genuinely was in love with you at the time.