ExDH came out as gay

OP just seen your update and thank you. Because this thread is vile

You can't help how you feel but hold on to the fact you had a long and happy relationship together and now have a friendship with him which will mean your children are growing up supported and cared for without being used as pawns between warring parents and that's very important.

And, I also picked up on the mention of an empty house... maybe it's in part a little jealousy? He's found someone and you're lonely. Maybe try and put yourself out there again and look for a relationship. Your children are older now, make time for you

OP, your ex DH is extremely lucky to have you as your boys' mother. I just wanted to say that.

Some of these responses are hateful.

You all need to watch Fellow Travelers, streaming on Paramount+. It is the most phenomenal television I have ever seen. Social history, representation, restorative justice. Enduring love that cannot be denied, in several forms. Great tragedies. A chronicle of the compromises we all make, in any relationship, the betrayals of self and others.

The performances by Jonathan Bailey and Matt Bomer are astonishing. I rarely see such intensity of emotion and raw vulnerability outside a therapy session, nor such layered complexity. I could watch Hawk and Tim forever. Theirs is the most tender, truthful, compelling love story I've ever seen.

It is also the only time I have ever felt the essence of my relationship with my great love captured onscreen (and I am not a gay man).

OP you sound like a wonderful compassionate person and your sons are very lucky to have both you and your ex as parents. It’s great that you can support them and hopefully they will have a positive relationship with their dads new partner.

So he's about 49 now, born in the mid 70s - a teenager during the AIDS crisis. That was a really hard time to be an out young gay or bi man. The shame and blame put on young gay & bi men is hardly believable now. So many men kept that part of them hidden for very good reasons. It wasn't socially acceptable to be gay. Maybe start with trying to have some compassion for the teenage boy he was.

ExH number 1 also confessed to being gay not long after we married. I'll admit that I felt used at first but I also felt a little comfort in the fact that it was not a reflection of how he felt about me. I had done nothing wrong and there were no thoughts of "what if I had done this, that or whatever", because nothing would make any difference to keep him with me. ExH number 2 leaving me for OW was, to me at least, far, far worse.

I would suggest therapy OP, and an STD test, because it's better to be safe than sorry.

I imagine the biggest hurdle for you is coming to terms with the fact that your marriage would never have worked and you've lost your chance of having a long marriage, kids and joint parenting with a man who you can grow old with and would truly love you.

You say that your plans were to head back to your lonely home, which indicates you've not found a new partner to share your life with and you may feel that you "wasted" your best years in a relationship built on quick sand, it was all going to come tumbling down at some point and there was nothing you could do to prevent that.

To an extent, that's true. However, you did get children who I'm sure you love immensely from this marriage and any other relationship would have changed that. There's also no guarantee that a different marriage would have ended any better, you could be a different man's widow for example.

You're going to have a lot of feelings and it's best to discuss these with a professional so you don't disappear down a rabbit hole of "what ifs".

This is a big thing to come to terms with, so allow yourself some time to process it all and do get support.

The homophobia in this thread is embarrassing! Another one chiming in to say my sexuality has changed as I’ve aged- I’ve always been bisexual, but I find I’m mainly attracted to women now. If I broke up with my male partner, I’d want to date women exclusively.

@GaryLurcher19 your realise happiness = positivity right? Bloody weird.

Of course you feel hurt and lied to OP Can you cut contact with him back while you come to terms with things? Not with your boys, just the amount of contact you have with him.

So kids now can’t cope with meeting a new partner until they have finished school? Wtf? Absolutely no way you’d get that if he had a new girlfriend. Unless you mean finish school for the summer in which case okay 🤷‍♀️. But no you don’t need to hide a gay relationship until your kids are 18.

Not just this, as with any type of adulterous relationship, tests will need to be done to check for STDs etc.
Nowhere has the OP said there there was an adulterous relationship. Your prejudice is showing.

Wait until you read any of the threads on here that discuss bisexuality - people will spout the most horrific stereotypes and ignore any actual bisexual or gay people walking them through why they aren't true (normally much more politely than the spirit in which the original comments are made)
Yes, there are people out there who hide it for their whole lives - but there are also many people who come to it later (as kindly explained by others onto his thread) I have met several myself. I have also known people who have dabbled in same sex attraction when younger, but genuinely thought it was just normal to experiment and would never have described themselves as bisexual or gay. I don't think it's fair to accuse these people of actively lying to those they love.

OP, I can see that this is a huge shock for you and you are totally entitled to feel all sorts of emotions about this. Give yourself some time - it's great things have been so amicable but maybe its a good idea to keep your distance for a bit while you process. I notice in your OP you made specific mention of going back to an empty house, and im wondering how you are doing personally otherwise - if you are a little lonely currently I can also see how the idea of someone you are still spending a lot of time with moving on with a new partner may bring up some uncomfortable feelings, even if they have nothing to do with your feelings towards the other person. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process this. Is there anyone you could talk to in the meantime, when you are ready?

Well I am attracted to women also but it doesn't mean I'm not happy and fulfilled in my marriage. If something changed and we decided to part I may end up with a woman as a partner next time but that doesn't mean I don't love my husband or wasted his years. It could be that now he's on his own he's noticed another aspect to his sexuality and fell for a man. Whether he's gay or bi is another thing but sometimes we don't need to put such strict labels on these things

I’m in a same sex relationship and would consider myself to be gay.

However, when I was a young adult, I had a long term relationship with a man. I would’ve married him if he’d asked and he was the one who ended it. I loved him with all my heart and was devastated when he left me.

It was only when I started dating again following that and realised I just wasn’t attracted to any of the men I met, I decided to ‘switch sides’. I can’t imagine being with a man now.

However, this doesn’t change the fact that I absolutely adored that man.

I can understand that you would be upset by all this but based on my experience, it doesn’t mean he lied to you. I think it’s a spectrum. I had inklings I was attracted to women as a teenager but my relationship with him was real. Over time, as an adult, it’s morphed into me preferring to be with women.

I’d be absolutely furious and it is a lie. And devastated, anyone who says otherwise, isn’t being realistic, or honest.

I suspect I will get this one day too. I have suspicions.

It’s like the other non-lie, when he forgot to tell me about the first child he had with someone when he was 17.

Especially when I had asked if there were any children lurking about that I didn’t know about.

Wow. Just when I think we're in 2024 and things have changed, I come across a thread like this.

OP, I'm not referring to you as you feel how you feel but the posters who have suggested STI checks. Outrageous.

You've had some great advice on here. Wishing you all the best

The outcome will, in all likelihood, be very good.
As long as Dad's relationship is stable, respectful and long term.

But, while the kids are teenagers I would not risk them having to deal with any new partners and the risk of having to go through supporting their parent through more breakups etc. at the same time as finishing school, forming their own adult persona and growing into their adult body and brain and launching their independent lives.

It could be too much of an overload.

In reality just having Mum and Dad sitting around the same Christmas table as separate individuals is a lot to process.
Teenagers need no excuse to not be needy of their parents attention, wisdom and resources. They are allowed to take centre stage.

I move around in the scene a bit and have never known a man not know he was gay. To be crude, they know what turns them on when they go through the frantic wanking stages of life. They definitely might suppress it because of homophobic family or just having an easier life, but they usually know.

Women on the other hand tend to sometimes ignore their own sexuality, like ignoring that they don't have orgasms with men, often blaming themselves. I think it's more understandable that they might not figure out they are gay until later on in life.

I know 2 people who were in long term relationships with women and have since come out as gay. They are both in contact with exes and are on good terms. Both are now married in stable long term same sex relationships. No kids involved but the point is simply that some people take a while to find who they are in the sexual journey. And remember when OP ex was younger there was a lot less norm about being gay too.
He has approached this sensitively, tried to discuss with OP first. I think he's been fairly open on this. So OP you have every right to feel shocked, it is a shock. But it doesn't have to be bad long term. You may want to discuss in some form of talk therapy but ultimately there's not much else you can do.

Some of these comments are awful 😳

I think it's totally natural to be blindsided by something like this, but people calling him a liar and a cheat and saying he must be riddled with STD's - do you realise (or care) how homophobic you all sound?

Would you say the same to a heterosexual couple who had split, and 4 years later the man had a new female partner?
No, of course you wouldn't.
Your original comment was incredibly homophobic.

I'm bisexual, but had a period of around 5 years after my children were born where I genuinely was not attracted to women, which was very disconcerting (fortunately, DH is a man). I know lots of other people who have experienced changes in patterns of attraction over the course of their lives, particularly at times of hormonal change. And also several woman who have married the only ever man/woman they've ever been attracted to.

So because he's now gay, he must be carrying some form of STD?

Exactly this