ExDH came out as gay

I don't think it's homophobic to feel that the kids might struggle with this - it turns everything they thought about their parents' marriage and their father's integrity on its' head. It's one thing to believe your parents genuinely loved each other, but sadly the relationship went wrong and feelings changed, it's another to think that maybe their dad deceived their mum and the relationship was fundamentally dishonest. That's the issue here, not being anti gay in itself, but the OPs (and potentially the DC's) feeling that the marriage was a lie.

He can swear up and down that he didn't know, but I think it's unlikely that he absolutely never had an inkling!

I second this OP

Hi,
so sorry you are having to process this but please please don’t feel it’s any reflection on you or that you’ve been lied to!

I always thought I was bi/bi curious but realised a couple of years ago that I’m actually just attracted to women. My ex has been amazing and we are very amicable too. I honestly didn’t realise but it’s only recently that being lgbtq has become more acceptable and for many of us we were raised without realising who we are. I don’t think I lied to my husband, I think I honestly didn’t know and understand myself. I still love him but in a completely different way to how I love my girlfriend. The world is so heteronormative that we are groomed to assume we must be straight and it’s really difficult to process that this isn’t actually who we are.

take time for yourself to process but if you are able please do continue to support your ex. It really isn’t personal and is a huge reason we need to embrace things like pride so future generations don’t take till middle age to figure out who they are!

Threads like these always tend to draw out the bigotry and homophobia of some of the most prolific posters. You can certainly tell which ones would abandon their own children if they found out they were gay. Nice.

I have an old Uni friend who is the exH in a similar situation - except this is 20yrs down the line now, DC are adults and there are GC. They divorced long before he came out and there was no other man.

The ex wife was pretty bitter and has made the DCs lives difficult as they can't have both parents in the same room together. She evidently felt utterly betrayed and lied to. As pp have said, he was lying to himself first and foremost and really did love her..... We were all surprised at the divorce as they seemed so well suited.

You sound like you will navigate this OK @Hostageslikethis once you get over the initial shock.

It’s almost as if we live in a society where being straight is seen as correct and applauded, but being gay is something shameful and to be suppressed 🤔

Also - you will get homophobia here, MN has a HUGE issue with it and any thread to do with gay anything quite often descends into ‘gays can’t be trusted’ territory…

If anything the fact that his new partner is a man is a positive - he’s not going to end up with another baby, his partner is very unlikely to be insecure about your close relationship with your ex as you’re no kind of threat now he’s come out, and he’s chosen someone who has both been married AND has a child of similar age to yours. All of which hopefully means there’s understanding and empathy there, and the common understanding that the kids will always come first for everyone.

Take your time. It’s a shock which may take a while to get your head around .

i'm a lesbian and i genuinely didn't know until my late 20s. i'd had relationships with men and i thought i loved them, because i thought that was what attraction and love felt like.
it wasn't until i realised that i'm gay that i also realised that was just hetronormativity.
the refusal of pps to believe that this is something that can happen is horribly dismissive and frankly homophobic- gay people deal with years of heteronormativity and being put in boxes and so sometimes take a while to discover themselves

"I’ve never come across someone who has always said they are gay who suddenly decides they are actually straight when they hit their 40s"

Oh well, if you've never come across it then it must be true 🙄🤣

Best to check first then, maybe? Yeah?

Op it's a shock, totally out of left field, be kind to yourself. Process tge news and I'm sure you will find all settles down soon enough

You feel how you feel I suppose but it seems like he’s a respectful ex, a good father and a good person.
He’s been open and respectful with you, and there are plenty of people who end up with a same sex partner in later years.
You’ve been split for many years. Seem to get along, so don’t ruin your good relationship by being funny about this.

I applaud your response, OP. You’re the one this actually affects, yet you’ve been far more considered and kind in your response than total strangers who will have forgotten this thread tomorrow. Well done.

It's natural that you should feel some confusion at the moment. You’re reassessing why your marriage ended, which must be incredibly hard, especially when you’d moved on to an amicable setting. But please remember, that friendship hasn’t gone. You clearly still care for one another, but not in a romantic way. A lot of divorced people aren’t lucky enough to be in such a position - and it IS a lucky one when you have children together.

Try to remember that there are never any guarantees going into a marriage. You knew yesterday that the end of this marriage was the right thing, and it’s still the right thing today. Ignore bitter posters telling you your ex “wasted” a chunk of your life - your children are proof that this isn’t true. (You sound like a lovely mother too, by the way.)

Can you really be sure ANYONE you marry is 100% committed to you in every way?

You may think you're being supportive but you aren't.

Yes but if he did something wrong, it's even more reason to be honest with the dc. Telling your children you made a mistake and are sorry about it is a good example to set. The "don't say gay" approach is homophobic.

I believe that he probably didn't know he was gay or wouldn't admit it to himself. He was dishonest with himself first and foremost.

Op you are very kind and gracious in all this. You're allowed to feel everything you are feeling and to question things. Maybe when you feel a bit more settled then speak with your exh again as you both seem to have a good relationship still and possibly could help you with those feelings or questions. It's also not wrong to maybe go speak to someone about all this just to sort through your emotions of divorcing and the new news.
Also just to add, your ex and your kids are very lucky to have someone as supportive in their lives.

Are you serious?

The current narrative is that sexuality is fluid actually. Not that it’s fixed and immutable. He can say he’s gay, it’s not shameful and I doubt that the children will leap to the conclusion that he’s a liar.

And you're a bit ignorant x

It's not that black and white though. He didn't know he was gay when he married. Gay people don't just know they are gay from the off. Sometimes it takes years of failed relationships to put the pieces together.

@Feelsodrained this was in response to how the children might feel or what they might think, not what I might think or not think.
As the 'common narrative' is that we are born with our sexuality, the CHILDREN might think that he must have known he's gay all along. Just like the ex wife op here is wondering. And she has Mumsnet for support the children don't.

as if ppl don't do that, stay in a marriage they aren't into 🙄

As you can see, this is the last place for something so sensitive because they just cannot get their tiny brains around it. Your feelings are valid but you understand anyway that it isn't the same as being lied to. The fact it still wasn't safe to be openly gay as recently as the 90s tells you why so many people are afraid to embrace parts of their sexuality they have always kept hidden. It wasn't that long ago we also used to put people in prison for being gay. The wheels turn very slowly sadly but you will find this is not the shock it first seemed. Looking back you will probably see little signs that were perhaps clues to him being a little different.

My son was terrified he would be hated and abused if anyone found out he was attracted to men so he continued dating women because he thought it was what society expected him to do, and spent years in turmoil and self loathing as a result. I always had an inclination but would never have said anything because I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable but sometimes it just takes a long time to find the courage. Circumstances need to be right. There are probably other sites you will get far less homophobia and fantasy about being gay meaning having affairs so have a look around while you process this news and be kind to yourself xx

If he lived in shame all these years and only recently came to terms with it... then he still lied didn't he. It's heartbreaking for op! It's not OK to marry someone if you are trying to come to terms with being gay as you say. I absolutely have support for anyone coming to terms with their sexuality but I don't support marrying a woman and essentially taking away her right to be with someone who is 100 per cent committed to her in every way.