ExDH came out as gay

You are not a lesbian if you like both men and women. 😂

A very dear friend of mine with 4 children was married twice ( to men) when she split up with her second husband she fell in love with a woman. She’s now married to a lovely woman, her kids are not devastated / traumatised whatever, they are happily living with their mum and her wife. The oldest child is old enough to leave home if they were affected but they are not. My friend says she never “felt gay” while she was married.

If I fell in love with a woman I might well choose to define as lesbian. That doesn’t mean I have always defined that way. People can choose how they define their sexuality- it’s not proof that this is how they have always felt.

You don’t have to agree… but you don’t just wake up 20 years later with no idea you fancy and want to shag men. It’s always there.

How do you know exactly? There is no evidence that he lied unless you believe it’s impossible to come out in later life and not know for sure you were gay all along. Which is rubbish.

If you are gay then you are gay… hes just been living a lie for 20 years and messing others around with something that was never going to last.

I would be devastated too. When you get married you assume it’s for life. By getting married knowing he was gay (I absolutely do not believe he didn’t know, that’s just a blatant lie) you now find yourself divorced. I’d be bloody furious . He must have known long term that it couldn’t last because he was living a lie.

People don't always 'wake up gay', but I would say probably more than 50% of the people I know are not straight straight, in that they have had crushes on the same sex, flirted with the idea of same sex, had same sex experiences, pondered if they are bi and so on (many men also get up to all types of things that their girlfriends or wives might be astonished to hear about in terms of 'games' with other men), these are not unusual happenings especially in the teen/early twenties time. I am unusual for being very very straight! Sexuality is so much more fluid, and also depends on life stage and who you are presented with. I have many many friends who have had gay relationships who are now married/in straight relationships and vice versa, they don't all describe themselves as bi to please some other people, partly because being 'bi' is something many people are very judgemental about.

It’s not unhelpful at all. It’s the truth. It may have been difficult for him for years but he still married the OP and had kids in a relationship that was never going to last as he is gay. The relationship was always doomed from the start as he likes men! He did lie and if he was straight their relationship may of had a different outcome.

Not sure about you but when I had my kids I had them with a man who I thought wanted to stay with me for the rest of my life and I’m sure the OP did too but instead he was living a lie and wasting the OP time. Hes had his kids so now he can jump ship and mess around the kids too!

So glad @Badgersbum2024 posts have been deleted. I’m shocked people are this hateful still but I guess they are.

So? He can say what he likes. It’s totally up to him how he defines himself. It doesn’t say anything about how he felt 20 years ago.

He might be saying he's gay now as he can't imagine going forward into another heterosexual relationship in the future. He feels gay fits him better now, but it doesn't mean it did 20 or 30 years ago, and also lots of people have fleeting or even explored bi feelings in the teen years (I have so many friends in this category) who then felt they settled on being straight, but now are not so sure in middle aged.

I know three women and one man who have done exactly this, and all frame themselves as lesbian or gay now, but had mostly happy marriages with children until it just didn't work any more.

If you need therapy yourself to work through how you feel, and you need to talk to him more about what happened in your marriage, fair enough, but it is not disgusting to be gay and ultimately that's the children's dad, saying he's wrong/disgusting/a liar is associating them with that and they will feel it. It is time to be mature towards him as a co-parent, and I would support his new gay relationship (even through gritted teeth), and work through any other feelings of betrayal and anger, which are normal when you are shocked and when you divorce anyway, in your own time and in your own space away from parenting.

You are bisexual then and not gay. It’s not the same thing. Hes said he’s now gay. Not bisexual

IMO the difference is that if you are essentially the “Wrong” sex for someone that is something neither of you can overcome and eventually that will likely end the relationship - and it’s built in from the start if they’re even dimly aware they’re gay. If I met another man and left DH he’d be devastated but he probably wouldn’t be questioning the whole of our relationship like he might if I left him for a woman and told him I was a lesbian.

There are prior indicators, feelings - something lurking in the background of your psyche. It is extremely unusual for someone to suddenly "wake up" gay or bisexual at 50. That may be the age they acknowledge their sexuality but to have absolutely no idea? Not true.

I'm hoping MN continue to delete the vile posts but

It doesn't matter if he is planning to tell them. If you tell then first you are outing him. Simple

You weren't raped or abused. Don't worry about STIs (it's been 4 years, you'd probably already be aware)

Please, please

NEVER out someone. Even if you think you're being the righteous one. It's a horrible thing to do and quite literally leads to people being abused, attacked, killed, committing suicide, being rejected and abandoned with nothing...

Just don't ever do it

Jesus what a shitty comment. How is years of marriage a waste of life if it resulted in two happy loved children and a perfectly amicable co-parenting relationship? Would you say the same if he’d met another woman rather than a man? What’s the difference?

It's not simple. He wasn't even SURE of his sexuality and possibly even considered himself bisexual because he had feelings for the OP. The fact they are still friends now suggests there was something there

Its not more rape than a couple who think they are madly in love and get married in 3 months before realising a year down the line they've made a mistake.

He didn't abuse her. I'm not being hysterical

You a vile, hateful homophobe projecting massive issues and trying to encourage someone to do something truly vile and abusive by telling OP to out this man before he has chance to speak to his children!

@Badgersbum2024 I have never read such hateful bile as I have from your posts

You should be ashamed to type such things. Likening it to rape and calling him an abuser and suggesting OP out him is appalling.