ExDH came out as gay

Good for him. Be supportive and I'm sure your boys will be happy for him. It's great news, he gets to be happy and it's nothing to do with you anyway.

I mean mine knew he was more sexually attracted to men from being a teenager, was trying to cheat all through our marriage and never said anything until 25 years later. I was lied to and betrayed and my marriage was a sham - but you feel strongly that your situation is different which it of course may be. But I have a problem with all the people pretending this doesn't happen and that women aren't used in this way, not to mention those that seem to think it's fine for men to use women for years and years on end while they try to work themselves out.

There is a smiliar thread where a woman has come out to her DH as Bi. 80% on MN replies are "why would you say that to him unless you were thinking of or already had slept with a woman". Hardly any posters have given her a hard time about getting into the relationship in the first place, or accuse her of lying throughout the relationship, or giving support for being honest. Food for thought.

Well no shit Sherlock but I’m talking about all the people I know which as far as I’m aware I’m allowed to share my opinion even if you don’t agree.
DUH.

Totally true - I don't know for certain other than they are saying it happened that way with them or others they know.
Just like you don't know what you are saying is true either though, right?

@PandaRice

How do you know these people know much much much more then me? Or are you making that up?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.
Duh

I love what you've written. You both sound like good solid people.

Your dc are likely equally decent people being raised by the two of you.

How do you know these people know much much much more then me? Or are you making that up?

Why are you deliberately ignoring people on this thread who know much, much, much more about this topic than you. Yes, you can.

So the women who discover their attraction to other women later in life were all deluding themselves?

It is amazing that you know so much about other people. More than they know themselves. Quite remarkable aren't you.

I would think of less of someone for not knowing. For one, I wouldn’t believe they didn’t know. But if they didn’t, imagine having the lack of self awareness to not know which gender gets you going.

I hadn't realised how ignorant people can be until I opened this thread... thank goodness OP is a kind and empathetic person and that the hateful bile helped her understand her own position better.

It's fucking irrelevant to my DH if I've had attractions to other women, just as it would be useless to tell him that now and again I find other men attractive. There's nothing for him to gain from that information. All he needs to know is that I love him and that I am committed to him.

I suspect that OP's husband did love her and was fully committed to her during their (long) marriage. They naturally split up, he then pursued a relationship with another woman. He met a man and fell in love. The pieces clicked together about his sexuality and how heteronormative societal expectations had led him to marry young without realising that he was gay.

OP has not lost anything. She had a healthy and loving marriage that ended, like many marriages do. She could have been in an unhappy short marriage with a 100% straight man and been arguably worse off.

OP's children sound like they're well adjusted following the divorce, largely because OP and her ex are able to coparent effectively. I doubt that finding out their father is gay will be particularly earth shattering to them in this day and age

@dunkdemunder Wtf are you on about?

Huh? You would think less of him for not knowing?

How does that work? If someone doesn't know why would you judge them for it?

@Moro93

Have you not read the post by @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness ?

Stop assuming you are an all knowing sage.

Incredible how you know all this about a man you don't know 🙄

Your feelings are completely valid but I wouldn't let it ruin the great co-parenting relationship you have.

It matters because it's how you define your own sexuality.
Your own
No one else can dictate what you define yourself as

It's like telling someone they must call themselves blind because they reach the legal definition of blindness even though they themselves would still call themselves partially sighted at that point.

You can define yourself however you like but if you call yourself gay yet you like men and women then you are in fact not gay but bisexual 😂
But you can prance around making people call you whatever you want, doesn’t make it true 😂

You can define yourself however you feel best suits you
People define themselves as straight then bi then gay/lesbian as they settle into who they are

If your marriage breaks down it’s because you’re wrong for each other, regardless of sex/gender/sexuality.

I know at least two women who identify fully as lesbians now, in lesbian relationships, bringing up their kids from their marriages. Shall I ring them up and tell them they can't call themselves lesbian because 20 years earlier they might have felt more bi?!

These are definitions that are approximations of a feeling and behaviour, and they aren't separate categories, you can't tell someone else they are not a lesbian if they are in a lesbian relationship and think it very unlikely they will ever have sex again with a man. Similarly, I'm guessing the OP's ex is saying he is very much into men and sees his future as a gay man, it doesn't mean that's how he felt or acted, although he may have hidden being bi earlier on, like a lot of women do, because it all feels very stressful to mention it and it's heavily stigmatized, so it's easy to write it off at that stage and get on with being straight. In fact, more women have had same-sex encounters than men and I'm betting a good amount of them don't mention that to their marriage partners either because at that stage it doesn't feel relevant to the future- until it does.

@Hostageslikethis your feelings are absolutely valid and understandable. It's a huge thing to get your head around, as it brings up so many questions about the past.

You know your ex better than any of us do, so in the absence of any evidence to the contrary, it doesn't seem implausible that his account could be accurate. It's not uncommon for people to re-evaluate aspects of their sexuality or sexual identity/preferences following a major life event - people often ask themselves questions like who am I and what do I want, and sometimes those answers are pretty big changes.

Regardless of what happened in the past, your children are going to need support with this if your ex is considering telling them soon. What are his thoughts on it - why now, what's the objective for telling them?

I remember reading an article about two women who had left their husbands for each other. They were both adamant that they weren’t gay and if they ever sp,it up would go back to relationships with men.

So how do you know this? Personal experience? Because so many people have told you their own experience that yes, you can.