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Original poster

To want to cut off Mother/Ask how to do it?

138 replies

CollyWobble99 · 17/06/2024 21:23

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with both of my parents.

My father was a very physical discipline kind of guy, and very sexist, racist, homophobic, all the ‘Isms’ basically but he worked away a lot and I didn’t really see him much.

My mother was.. changeable. Very explosive emotionally, very violent, prone to outbursts and regularly beat the crap out of me. I remember being beaten with pool cues, cricket bats, slapped, punched, kicked, spat on, hair pulled, I had boiling hot drinks thrown on me, I got locked in the front porch with both doors locked so I couldn’t go anywhere or even go to toilet, starved for days etc etc.

I was also sexually abused by my mothers father, a man she had idolised all my life so I wasn’t able to say anything to her or anyone, about it. When he died I got absolutely paralytic at his funeral because I was so fucking triggered by everyone he saying what a wonderful guy he was.

I learned later that actually he had also sexually abused my mother and some (not all) of her siblings. It started with her at a certain age so presumably she thought I’d be safe as I was younger, but she sent me off on holidays with her parents, I spent whole weekends and half terms at their house and they took me away to their caravan in a different country for weeks at a time. I wasn’t safe, obviously.

She made no secret of the fact that she got pregnant with me to get my dad to marry her, so she could leave her fathers house to escape his abuse. Apparently she was ecstatic to learn she was pregnant. But she hated me once I was actually here. Clearly resented me. Anytime my own father stuck up for me she punished him too and he always relented, and let her do whatever she wanted.

She had multiple affairs when I was growing up and to the best of my knowledge I’m still the only one who knows about them. She used me as a cover and told me if I ever told my dad about them, then it would be my fault my younger siblings would lose their father and their home.

I developed a drinking problem as a teenager which I’ve since managed to kick. I’m have always suffered MH issues, anxiety, depression and cptsd all of which I’m seeking help for.

She’s never once been able to see anyone else’s pain or point of view, she is incredibly self centred.
If it doesn’t involve her feelings, then it doesn’t matter.

I had successfully cut her off for years and my older kids had nothing to do with her. Then she got really ill and my siblings didn’t think she was going to make it, so
I went to the hospital to see her. She ended up surviving but is in a horrible state health wise, but now she’s back in my life I don’t know how to get rid of her.

I hate her being around. I can’t stand the sound of her voice. The last time I spent any length of time with her (I went to her house, the one I grew up in, to try and help tidy and declutter for the carers, and ended up going home and attempting suicide. All the triggers were just too much)

I don’t know if she genuinely has any regrets or if she just wants someone to care for her now she’s getting more frail, but I don’t want any part of it.

She’s been doing this weird, smothering thing where she’s messaging me every day now, trying to buy me things, offering to babysit, being complimentary (she denigrated every aspect of my looks and personality growing up) anything and everything to be near to me and imho, make up for some of the shit. I remember literally being beaten just for being a ‘Fucking weirdo’ (I liked to read aloud to myself, I found it comforting. I chewed my hair, I repeated excerpts of tv and films I’d seen that stuck in my mind for some reason. I had tics and did other socially unacceptable things and was often beaten for being embarrassing to her )

I just don’t want it. I have a visceral reaction to her and it genuinely makes me physically sick when she’s around.

She was diagnosed as autistic in her early 60s so I’ve really been trying to cut her some slack. I was ‘late’ diagnosed as AuDhd in my late 30s so I’ve really been trying hard to be gentle with her because of that and what she went through herself as a child, but I don’t feel I can take it, mentally or physically. I have 6 children myself, 4 of which are also ND. All of my energy is going into not repeating generational trauma, trying my hardest to be the parent my kids need and maintaining my relationship with my (frankly wonderful, angelic husband)

I really wanted to try and care for her in the way I know she must have missed out on herself as a child, but after all this time I just don’t feel I have it in me anymore. She doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings, or the effort anyone else makes, she’s never once been concerned with difficult times I’ve had (or my siblings)

We were left to fend for ourselves from a very young age but she still wants this picture perfect mum and child relationship with us all. I know she is ND. I know she is traumatised. But do I have to keep trying to fight all of my own trauma in order to be a good daughter?

I really want to be able to cut her out of my life for my own peace and safety but I don’t want my siblings to suffer or be put in an awkward position.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. I think I’m asking is it ok to prioritise myself at this point, knowing how hard she has/had it too and didn’t have anyone looking out for her? Will I survive the guilt if I just.. stop? I

OP posts:
hattie43 · 18/06/2024 09:09

That woman was no mother to you . She birthed you and that's where it ends .
Block and move on with your life without a backward glance .

Original poster
CollyWobble99 · 18/06/2024 08:18

“She clearly is lining you up as a carer as the sole female offspring”

This is what I feel is happening. I’m not going to do it.

“Have you ever had it out with her?”

I knew that some form of confrontation had to eventually happen in order to help me start to heal. I imagined it a hundred different ways in my head, but when I learned that her dad did the same thing to her I realised that I’d never be able to now.

She told me about that on my birthday one year. She’s always had a mad reaction to my birthday. I avoid the phone and my husband puts anything with her hand writing on it that comes through the post straight in the bin.

She’s as damaged as I am, the difference is I’ve never abused my children as a form of release which is what I see now she was doing to me.

OP posts:
poolemoney · 18/06/2024 08:07

She clearly is lining you up as a carer as the sole female offspring. Let her rely on the sons she wanted so much.

Have you ever had it out with her? It might give you some relief.

In your shoes, I would list all the reasons she was horrible mother and person and tell them to her and then tell her that you and your family do not want a relationship with her and to please never contact you again.

Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Original poster
CollyWobble99 · 18/06/2024 07:59

I do have other siblings. They’re all younger, and all male. She’s just so different with them it makes me feel like I’m going crazy. She actually wanted them though which is probably the difference. I was a means to an end. I just want out.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 18/06/2024 07:44

Just stop. You’ve got other siblings. Life is too short to put yourself through this and it sounds like your mental health is fragile.

If you need to you can arrange care to come in so she’s physically looked after too, but it’s absolutely fine to say that it’s too much and you need some space.

Original poster
CollyWobble99 · 18/06/2024 07:28

Wow I'm shocked by the responses here tbh! I’m so used to be being wrong or told that I’m wrong and punished for thinking/saying/doing the wrong thing, I was fully expecting to be told to grow up and move on.

‘You will also feel terrified some of the time, so be prepared for that’

Honestly I feel like this all of the time. She spent a few hours with my family recently and by the time she left I was literally pulling out my own hair. I can’t stand it. The kids don’t know any of it and just see poor old ‘lovely’ grandma. I’ve painted myself into a corner and don’t know how to get out. My husband is now talking about selling the house and moving away, possibly even emigrating. I know he’s not a fan of the weather here (uk) but I think he’s trying to create the distance for me that I’ve been unable to do myself.

I just want to be far away and never worry about her ever again. Once I am further away, I will block her on everything.

Interesting point about the funeral, no I don’t think I will go. My grandfathers was triggering enough, this will be considerably worse!

OP posts:
Emmadaily · 17/06/2024 21:43

Oh what an awful childhood existence you had .
You need your energy for your children so don't waste another moment on your mum .
You should just walk away .

ButterCrackers · 17/06/2024 21:41

Put yourself first. You are a mother and your kids need you. Write a registered letter or an email with a read receipt to your mother to Mother’s name, I am letting you know that I will not be in contact. This is because of all that happened in my childhood. Your violence and cruelty to me was wrong as was the abuse I received from your father. Therefore I have moved on and I distance myself from you. What you and your father did will be known for always. Yours sincerely and your name. Block all contact routes. Return to sender any letters. Keep your boundaries. You will probably start to feel better as well.

J0S · 17/06/2024 21:41

Yes it’s ok to prioritise yourself. It might help to tell yourself that you are in fact prioritising your own children, because you need to be mentally well to care for them.

Yes you can bear the guilt but it will be hard and you need support. Eg from a counsellor, self help group etc . Remember you’ve been trained all your life to do what she wants , so it will be hard to say no.

You will also feel terrified some of the time, so be prepared for that.

my advice is to get the support in place first
decide what level of contact you will have, if any
then work out how you will cope with the flying monkeys
decide now under what circumstances you will consider changing the plan eg will you go to her funeral
decide if / how you will communicate that decision
when take action to stop / reduce contact

You need a plan, it’s going to be hard. But most people who have been through years of abuse find that on balance its worth it. It can help you start to heal .

Sarahzb · 17/06/2024 21:33

A thing people have said in the past. You don't set youself on fire to keep other people warm.
Your treatment at her hands was dreadful abuse, so cut her off, so she can't carry on the same thing. It will go on. You could suggest she get therapy but you are not in a postion to do it.

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 17/06/2024 21:32

You owe this woman absolutely nothing. Block her or change your number if you have to, if you feel strong enough you could even write her a short letter explaining why. It sounds like you’ve had a terrible time and I’m so sorry for this, but this is your time now and you don’t need this person in your life anymore. Protect yourself and your family, put yourself first xxx

Beautifulbythebay · 17/06/2024 21:30

My dm was a rubbish one.. Haven't seen her for 12 years. No regrets.

norfolkbroadd · 17/06/2024 21:28

Block her phone and email. It's the only way. My MiL is v v similar. She's almost certainly autistic, but so are DH and I and we don't abuse our children, so we have no sympathy.

Anything less than full severance won't work with a person like that.

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