I’ve always had a difficult relationship with both of my parents.
My father was a very physical discipline kind of guy, and very sexist, racist, homophobic, all the ‘Isms’ basically but he worked away a lot and I didn’t really see him much.
My mother was.. changeable. Very explosive emotionally, very violent, prone to outbursts and regularly beat the crap out of me. I remember being beaten with pool cues, cricket bats, slapped, punched, kicked, spat on, hair pulled, I had boiling hot drinks thrown on me, I got locked in the front porch with both doors locked so I couldn’t go anywhere or even go to toilet, starved for days etc etc.
I was also sexually abused by my mothers father, a man she had idolised all my life so I wasn’t able to say anything to her or anyone, about it. When he died I got absolutely paralytic at his funeral because I was so fucking triggered by everyone he saying what a wonderful guy he was.
I learned later that actually he had also sexually abused my mother and some (not all) of her siblings. It started with her at a certain age so presumably she thought I’d be safe as I was younger, but she sent me off on holidays with her parents, I spent whole weekends and half terms at their house and they took me away to their caravan in a different country for weeks at a time. I wasn’t safe, obviously.
She made no secret of the fact that she got pregnant with me to get my dad to marry her, so she could leave her fathers house to escape his abuse. Apparently she was ecstatic to learn she was pregnant. But she hated me once I was actually here. Clearly resented me. Anytime my own father stuck up for me she punished him too and he always relented, and let her do whatever she wanted.
She had multiple affairs when I was growing up and to the best of my knowledge I’m still the only one who knows about them. She used me as a cover and told me if I ever told my dad about them, then it would be my fault my younger siblings would lose their father and their home.
I developed a drinking problem as a teenager which I’ve since managed to kick. I’m have always suffered MH issues, anxiety, depression and cptsd all of which I’m seeking help for.
She’s never once been able to see anyone else’s pain or point of view, she is incredibly self centred.
If it doesn’t involve her feelings, then it doesn’t matter.
I had successfully cut her off for years and my older kids had nothing to do with her. Then she got really ill and my siblings didn’t think she was going to make it, so
I went to the hospital to see her. She ended up surviving but is in a horrible state health wise, but now she’s back in my life I don’t know how to get rid of her.
I hate her being around. I can’t stand the sound of her voice. The last time I spent any length of time with her (I went to her house, the one I grew up in, to try and help tidy and declutter for the carers, and ended up going home and attempting suicide. All the triggers were just too much)
I don’t know if she genuinely has any regrets or if she just wants someone to care for her now she’s getting more frail, but I don’t want any part of it.
She’s been doing this weird, smothering thing where she’s messaging me every day now, trying to buy me things, offering to babysit, being complimentary (she denigrated every aspect of my looks and personality growing up) anything and everything to be near to me and imho, make up for some of the shit. I remember literally being beaten just for being a ‘Fucking weirdo’ (I liked to read aloud to myself, I found it comforting. I chewed my hair, I repeated excerpts of tv and films I’d seen that stuck in my mind for some reason. I had tics and did other socially unacceptable things and was often beaten for being embarrassing to her )
I just don’t want it. I have a visceral reaction to her and it genuinely makes me physically sick when she’s around.
She was diagnosed as autistic in her early 60s so I’ve really been trying to cut her some slack. I was ‘late’ diagnosed as AuDhd in my late 30s so I’ve really been trying hard to be gentle with her because of that and what she went through herself as a child, but I don’t feel I can take it, mentally or physically. I have 6 children myself, 4 of which are also ND. All of my energy is going into not repeating generational trauma, trying my hardest to be the parent my kids need and maintaining my relationship with my (frankly wonderful, angelic husband)
I really wanted to try and care for her in the way I know she must have missed out on herself as a child, but after all this time I just don’t feel I have it in me anymore. She doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings, or the effort anyone else makes, she’s never once been concerned with difficult times I’ve had (or my siblings)
We were left to fend for ourselves from a very young age but she still wants this picture perfect mum and child relationship with us all. I know she is ND. I know she is traumatised. But do I have to keep trying to fight all of my own trauma in order to be a good daughter?
I really want to be able to cut her out of my life for my own peace and safety but I don’t want my siblings to suffer or be put in an awkward position.
I’m not sure what I’m asking. I think I’m asking is it ok to prioritise myself at this point, knowing how hard she has/had it too and didn’t have anyone looking out for her? Will I survive the guilt if I just.. stop? I