To want to cut off Mother/Ask how to do it?

What a lot you've been through OP.

I also don't think you should see her - you have to protect yourself, just the thought of it is making you sick and you can't sleep, you have MH difficulties and visits have made you suicidal before. I understand what you say about your younger brother, but you can't sacrifice yourself to save him from hurt. And I don't think you seeing your mum, will make everything OK for him anyway. If you don't think you're worthy of protection, think of it as protecting the mum for your children.

I also wanted to say it's common for abusers to threaten suicide, it's a way of manipulating and controlling people. Even if she is feeling that way, it is not on you and as you rightly say there's trained people to help.

I also wondered if your younger brother knew the extent of the abuse and hardship you suffered and that the none contact is to protect yourself. Maybe you could share the content of your first post in a message to him, if you felt comfortable doing that. Or a shorter version. You don't have to explain yourself, but it may help him to understand. But that's a decision for you.

I hope you've felt able to talk to your husband and managed to get some rest last night.

Think of it this way - you’re not being kind to him by doing what he wants, he knows not what he does, he’s still in the fog.

Do not go and see her. Explain to DB why you have no contact. Give him the full story including why she had you in the first place. Tell him the effect she has on you. Point out that he (and other siblings) were never treated the same way.

Then reiterate that you will have no contact with her, you will not be manipulated and if he keeps trying the guilt trips you won't have any contact with him either.

Yes he's carrying a heavy burden. One day he may realise for himself what she's like and the circumstances under which he's living. But you are not being selfish for protecting your own sanity. She is your mother in name only.

Does your younger brother know the full extent of her abuse of you, neglect and that she knowingly allowed her father to SA you?

I have just read this entire thread. What a vile person your mother is and was so sad to read.

Please please don't go to see her.

Your brother needs to read this thread, or at least your OP. I think he then will stop facilitating her emotional blackmail.

DO. NOT. GO

You are literally going to set yourself back months. Why would you do that?

Your children and DH will have to deal with the fall out, it is just not fair on them. Put your own family first. They need a healthy, happy mother and wife. You have come so far, why on earth would you let her take all that away from you??

You are NOT going to feel better for seeing her. You are going to feel worse. You know that, and your DH knows that.

There is no possible way you could go and come out feeling happier or more at peace.

So stay away. You owe it to yourself and your little tribe to keep her out.

Your brothers are grown men. They can look out for themselves. Explain clearly that you will not discuss her, hear any messages from her, even hear news of her. Protect yourself. Hold the boundaries, keep going with the therapy. Your future happiness and in turn that of your family depends on you doing that.

OP - would sending your brother a link to this thread be helpful? He could read exactly what has happened to you and the advice given by people who are not caught up in the web, as he is, and hopefully he will understand your position.

Or would your DH take him out, out of earshot of your kids, and explain it to him?

Unless your brother actually understands what he is dealing with, he will naturally keep trying to reconcile you and your mum, which isn't what you need.

@CollyWobble99 please don't go and see her.
She knows why you're NC.
I think , if you feel up to it, you need to explain a bit more to your brother how she treated you.
If you can't then do as others have suggested, tell him the discussion is closed.
Good luck.

Honestly in this situation I would just block and delete, if you feel you want to send a very brief message beforehand to say you no longer wish to have contact and do not contact you or come to your home - you don't have to go into any great depth - then do, but otherwise block and delete. If she arrives at your property you don't answer and ignore and if required contact the police to remove her for harassment. Stay firm with this and stick to your guns, you do not owe anything.

No OP, you cannot go to see her, you simply cannot. You will undo all of the progress you've made over the last few months. You need to prioritise you, your DH and your kids. And that won’t happen while she remains an anchor around your neck. Your brother has 2 other siblings to look out for him.

You are not obligated to subject yourself to her abuse because your brother is weak and falls for her manipulation. That is his issue, not yours. You owe your egg donor (she's not a mother) nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I would tell my brother that discussions about her are off limits and that is final. Then refuse to discuss her if he brings her up. Set your boundary and stick to it. Again, his angst about her is HIS issue. Don't let it become yours.

As for your emotions, choose guilt over resentment every time. Guilt goes away with time when it is learned behaviour and not truly warranted. Resentment festers and destroys the person who feels it. Not to mention the fact that you have nothing, NOTHING to feel guilty about. Removing a destructive person from your life is a profoundly healthy and rational thing to do, and you have every right to protect yourself from her.

Exactly this OP, probably your best chance of 'rescuing' your youngest DB is to lead by example, he needs to see that it's ok to detach from her. It may not happen straight away and you will need to step back and let him work it out for himself (like you had to) but you will have shown him there is a way out and then it's his choice whether to follow you. If you let yourself get sucked back no one learns anything and the cycle keeps repeating, it's bloody hard being the one to break it but 100% worth it ime.

Maybe your brother needs to hear exactly why you’ve cut her out of your life OP. Some hard truths. Spell out what she did to you, and don’t sugar coat it.
Hopefully he’ll gain a better understanding of why you have to do this.
I think you’re incredibly brave btw. Stay strong x

Does your youngest brother have daughters? It might be time to explain why you have retreated from her games.

No, OP - your mother is the only person responsible for her actions and from previous posts, your youngest DB is wise to her.

Please don’t let her force her way through your boundaries like this. Your mental health is also important! You are breaking free and she is throwing everything she has at it. Please don’t be manipulated.

Maybe you need to set him the example of saying no and moving on?

Sorry to be harsh but if you give yourself a nervous breakdown, he won’t be better off.

The way you were saying no is perfect, you just can’t back down.

This is part and parcel of going NC - the flying monkeys coming to guilt you out of it. You can resist, it’s just a battle of wills. Keep saying no.

Your brother is just an extension of her.

You poor woman.
You need to text him and tell him you will NOT be visiting your mother and it is best he doesn't contact you again as he is just causing you upset.

You deserve peace. Please fight for yourself.

Don’t go.

Don’t be made to feel guilty, your instinct/ body is telling you what to do.

I’d send something like “Hi [brother]. I’ve been thinking about our conversation and my offer to visit mum. Sorry but it’s just not going to be possible. Since we spoke I have thought about it a lot but honestly the thought of a visit with her is making me ill and I have to think of my own health first. I’ve already passed on details of adult mental health and I think they are the ones to help her now, not me. I cannot offer her what she thinks she needs and I have very good reasons, as you know. This is something I’ve thought about a lot but this is my final decision.”

It is very very common in families for people to try to pretend that all the awful shit didn't actually happen. I have 2 separate friends whose siblings have said "well he is different now and you should get over it" when they didn't want to be in the same space as the brother that raped them and respectfully declined invitations that included him. your brother is in that space. but you don't have to deny your own past.

OP this is one of those times when you MUST put yourself and your needs first. Otherwise you will be the suicidal one. You don't have to persuade your brother to your point of view - I'm sure she did a number on him too. You just have to be very very firm with him that any contact with her is not going to happen.

If she commits suicide that's on her - not you.

Of all the horrible things you listed thinking of you as a little girl locked on a porch without even access to a toilet just broke my heart. you didn't deserve that then and you don't deserve this manipulation now.

Tell your husband all about it and ask him to phone your brother and tell him you will not be visiting and he is not to ask you again. Sometimes it is easier for someone else to say it.