To want to cut off Mother/Ask how to do it?

You can't make up for her terrible upbringing. Let her go. Just accept she was too damaged to do her job properly and that's sad but it's not your problem to fix. You have to maintain your own well being because you have a lovely family who love you and need you. That's where you should be, with people who love you.

Oh dear. OP, if your children are going to see your mum and you want to support that, you may have to have a rule with them that they do not tell you anything she says. Its up to your children to decide if they can handle it.

Did you decide what to do about the shower. If I were you, I would go, but be prepared to leave if your mother is there. Sending you all the best.

I'd definitely do this.
And well done for being so strong.

Hi OP, I’ve been lurking since the beginning and think you are doing amazingly well.

Your latest update, though…goodness!! So little regard for their own child’s health. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

Keep on as you are, you’ve got this!

You're doing amazingly well, OP.

I'm often really surprised at how ready people are to go NC with their parents, sometimes for quite trivial reasons, but in your case, it sounds like it is absolutely the right thing for you to do. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much, and I really hope that you can stay strong and start to rebuild things for yourself. Your DH sounds really supportive, which is great.

Stay strong. You are not responsible for your mother's wellbeing, but you are responsible for your own. Put yourself first, if not for your own sake, then for the sake of your children. You need to preserve your own wellbeing in order to be the best possible parent to them, so there is no need for you to feel any guilt.

I know there’s very complex feelings tied up in this situation so the thing I really want to emphasise is that none of this is your fault. You’ve had an awful childhood, and you have grown into decent human being not a child abuser. While you mum has also had an awful childhood, there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for yourself. Using your own abuse as an excuse to abuse others is unforgivable. I’m sure her mental health is a mess, but we all have a responsibility to not take our problems out on others. If she’d just been neglectful it might be possible to see past it, but she was actively abusive and no amount of childhood trauma makes that forgivable.

Put yourself and your children first.

Absolutely as suggested above, go around before it and visit them.

You can love your brother but your mental wellbeing is your boundary for YOUR children.

Do not allow ANY confusion on that score.
Do not apologise to your brother.

He will have a child soon and hopefully realise that a parents wellness directly impacts their children.

EVERYTHING you do to keep yourself healthy and well, you do for your children.

She is and was a horrible mother. No decent human being would let their child go through such an abusive childhood. You owe her nothing.

I would take your husband's advice and move, whether somewhere in the UK or abroad and make sure she does not have your new address.

Cut all contact with her (change your phone number/email and block her on social media) and with any member of your family who tries to guilt trip you into staying in touch with that toxic individual.

I moved to a different country when I was 21 to make sure my relatives could no longer hurt me and try to control my life. I am no contact with all of them now. No regrets and feel so much better for it.

I'd go round and see your brother and his partner on another day before the baby shower. You can have quality time with them whilst protecting your own mental health by avoiding any future contact with your mother. I'm so sorry she treated you so badly. Take care x

Yes, CollyWobble99, I have gone NC from both my parents. My mother has many very difficult and dramatic personality traits. My father is her enabler.

Very long story (from childhood really) but in the end it was my mental health or my mother's which caused me to go NC. My siblings acted as flying monkeys as well and that led to significant distancing from them.

My mental and physical health are mostly better now. But the feelings of guilt never really go because that's how we were 'trained' from when we were very young.

The thing is to accept that the guilt is a residual hangover from our manipulative parent's training throughout our lives.

When something triggers that guilt reflex, can you mentally say something like, 'ok Brain, I see you're throwing up that old story in response to a trigger.' Then take some time out to do something nice for yourself. Don't cave in to her manipulations and instead commit to doing what is best for you, your husband and children.

I completely validate you. In my own case, I've been accused of being a terrible mental health professional by my family of origin because I am NC with my parents. (Always great to have your credentials undermined by people who have a vested interest in keeping you in line. Oh well. They are mostly still in the FOG.) My husband gets it completely.

Might I also suggest you take a look at the website Out of the Fog? As well as the wonderful support you have been given here on Mumsnet, I believe you will find excellent support there too.

Best of luck. You don't owe her anything. It's your life now.

OP, I think the difficult thing for many is they hope some day they will move on from it.
Some do but many others do only on a surface level and are unsettled if they run into them.

But that doesn't mean they don't move on.
NC is hard, but the peace is ultimately worth it.

It will become your norm.

Your mother was a true horror, far worse than many.
You cannot have her near your children.

Death is a blessing because it brings a peace knowing you will never have to deal with them again.

Accept this is hard, but for the best.
We are here for you.

For me it was time, and therapy! It still unsettles me a bit if contact from her sneaks through, or even if something reminds me of her or I have a dream about her tbh, but it's definitely getting better/easier to handle as time goes on. I've learnt now that the feeling doesn't last, and the less oxygen/thought I give it the quicker it fades, and I've also accepted that this will happen from time to time and that it will pass and I will be ok.

It feels very unnatural to not have a relationship with one's own mother doesn't it but I've come to the conclusion that's mostly social conditioning/expectation because if I really examine the situation, the way she treated me and my true feelings I don't feel remotely guilty, it's more that I feel society expects me to if that makes sense?

The biggest benefit of therapy for me has been validation, I don't know if it's the same for you but I needed to hear someone say over and over that my feelings were justified and that her actions were wrong because I just couldn't shake the doubt that actually I was making a massive fuss about nothing and being horrifically cruel to my 'poor old mum'. I know now that was her voice in my head, years of having my feelings minimised and dismissed but I'm not sure I could have unpicked that on my own. I found that side of therapy incredibly powerful, having someone confirm that my feelings were valid and real and justified.

I've been really pleasantly surprised by my local NHS talking therapies service tbh, waiting times haven't been too long and my therapists (I've had two as I re-referred myself a second time) have both been excellent, although I obviously don't know if it's the same everywhere. Something to think about anyway if you're not already in therapy or can't afford private, it's been invaluable for me.

Next time that ‘woman’ rings you from an unknown number, once you realise it’s her, end the call. You owe her nothing! She deserves you going NC. The reason she reaches out, is because she knows you’re a loving person and good people are easy to manipulate.
I think if you wrote down your childhood with how abusive she was and how she sent you to stay frequently with a paedo, next time she reaches out to your older DC or sends your youngest brother round, let them read it. They would understand that you need protection from her manipulation and instead of you hiding it, you’d bring that shame you’ve felt inside for so long and let it go. The person who should be on her knees, burning in shame because of her inhumane, abusive, savage actions/words toward towards you and how she sent you to stay with your GF knowing he would SA you!
I’m in awe @CollyWobble99 that you are such a wonderful mum even though you have been to hell and back as a child. I can tell by your previous posts, that you don’t feel strong inside but my goodness, you are!!

I cut dm off. She sent Woe Is Me letters which I binned unread bar the first line..
We had been nc for 10 years previously after her childish flounce. Managed 2 years of a basic strained relationship then I went nc.. Been 13 years and not hear a word since 2012....
I barred her number on my mobile and have no other phone.

OP, yes this too will pass. Mind yourself and your loved ones. Not this awful awful woman.

You deserve to have a peaceful life and not have to deal with this. I wish you every good wish as you continue that peaceful life (and do like I do - don't pick up unknown numbers :) )

I am so delighted for you and your family.

Shake off this year and bounce into 2025 with nothing but peace and calm to look forward to.

NC is such a blessing.
Every good wish for next year.
Be so proud of yourself and your bravery.
Wonderful modelling for your children and brother.