Page 2 | Finding some people just don't give anything away

happa · 2024-06-17T20:10:33+00:00

Could this be an age thing ? I don't mean to sound so ageist. So I'm happy to be pulled up on that, as I know it's not ok. But my DH and I have recently been discussing how we feel about some slightly younger family members ( both blood relatives and not blood relatives ) and how we find they just never really say what they think about stuff or give much away. Even over silly things, simple things, they don't like to share opinions. Things just seem so flat when in conversation with them. We are slightly older millennials and they're a bit younger millennials, on the gen Z cusp. You never know what they are actually thinking and it can get a bit frustrating to spend time together, as it's all a bit cold. I know my post is probably going to get absolutely ripped apart. Take the age thing out of it, do you ever feel like some people just don't want to give away what they're thinking and find it difficult to spend time with them, because you like to actually connect with people ? I'm probably not articulating myself very well. Is that even grammatically correct? Probably not..

BatshitCrazyWoman · 18/06/2024 06:25

I think some people are just not good conversationalists, either because they don't see the point or because they never learned those skills. Talking to them is just imparting information.

Other people you can chat away with for ages, with the topics going from trivial to deep and back again.

Original poster

happa · 18/06/2024 06:21

NewName24 · 17/06/2024 23:51

I'm thinking the same as @meganorks and @SnobblyBobbly

I'm friendly, out going, chatty, but I don't offer much when I don't agree with a lot of the other people's opinions, and I'm in a situation (which I suspect is the same as yours) where these are people you are going to have to spend time with every now and then, over years.

I mean, I'd challenge something offensive, but not so much at a level which has me just rolling my eyes internally. Then, once you feel like that, even really trivial things don't really engage me in conversation with them.

Would you choose to see people you feel like that about on a weekly basis ?

I certainly would not.

Also, we don't have harsh opinionated conversations going on in our house at all times that could upset them.

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Original poster

happa · 18/06/2024 06:15

MonsteraMama · 18/06/2024 02:24

I'm not trying to be mean here but maybe they just don't have any interest in connecting with you in the way you're looking for? I have very close relationships and friendships with people I have chosen, and those are the people I get down into nitty gritty details with, share everything with, am vulnerable with. The people I really click with and want to connect with because we share passion for something, or just vibe well together. Everyone else gets neutral. I'm an introvert, I don't have the battery power to give 100% to everyone. Perhaps you just fall into the "everyone else" category for them. They're happy to listen to you sharing because you seem to genuinely like to share, but they have no interest in sharing back - that's how I feel about some of the people in my "everyone else" box.

Don't worry you're not being mean at all and I appreciate your response.

No one has been as brutal as I thought this would go actually.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

I also have people who I usually don't really like but am forced to spend time with, who I can act a bit like that with.

However, for me, it's difficult to understand why they'd choose to spend time with us and act like this with us. It's also difficult because we see each other so often and I make a lot of effort to be welcoming and put myself out there, to get very little back. I find it depressing to be honest and would rather see them less, because then their behaviour makes sense to me. I feel like if you choose to spend a lot of time with someone and still act cold and distant, what's the point ?

I get everyone is different and maybe I should just accept and play along. But it just doesn't work for me and actually I feel quite rejected by this. So I guess my boundaries need to be put in place to protect myself.

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MonsteraMama · 18/06/2024 02:24

I'm not trying to be mean here but maybe they just don't have any interest in connecting with you in the way you're looking for? I have very close relationships and friendships with people I have chosen, and those are the people I get down into nitty gritty details with, share everything with, am vulnerable with. The people I really click with and want to connect with because we share passion for something, or just vibe well together. Everyone else gets neutral. I'm an introvert, I don't have the battery power to give 100% to everyone. Perhaps you just fall into the "everyone else" category for them. They're happy to listen to you sharing because you seem to genuinely like to share, but they have no interest in sharing back - that's how I feel about some of the people in my "everyone else" box.

QuaintBlueSeal · 18/06/2024 01:58

I am interested in other people.

blueshoes · 18/06/2024 01:23

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/06/2024 00:43

There doesn’t seem to be much of a concept of keeping private things private anymore. Everyone puts every little detail of their life out on social media. It’s weird.

There is a vast middle ground.

People are just making conversation. Doubt anyone is that interested in anybody anyway.

Original poster

happa · 18/06/2024 00:45

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/06/2024 00:43

There doesn’t seem to be much of a concept of keeping private things private anymore. Everyone puts every little detail of their life out on social media. It’s weird.

That's true but this isn't about social media.

It's more just about interpersonal relationships and not sharing opinions about mostly quite mundane things. It's about different people connecting in different ways, I guess.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 18/06/2024 00:43

There doesn’t seem to be much of a concept of keeping private things private anymore. Everyone puts every little detail of their life out on social media. It’s weird.

QuaintBlueSeal · 18/06/2024 00:40

If you share nothing of yourself you never get close to anyone.

Original poster

happa · 18/06/2024 00:39

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/06/2024 00:38

I’m 60. Can’t stand the “sharing” trend at all.

What do you mean by sharing trend ?

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MrsSkylerWhite · 18/06/2024 00:38

I’m 60. Can’t stand the “sharing” trend at all.

wallsands · 18/06/2024 00:36

I've always been a very closed person and I never express my opinion in conversation. I don't like confrontation and I don't care enough about connecting with someone to make the effort. Sometimes I simply nod along and smile without revealing my true opinions. DH knows me well but most people, even my family, don't. I've encountered enough criticisms (even just overhearing conversation about others) to know that people do judge and criticised, and it's not an unfounded view. I don't want to feed that attitude so I keep myself to myself, and trust very few people. I'm mid 40s so definitely not a young person's thing.

blueshoes · 18/06/2024 00:21

They are just dull as ditchwater. Probably not too much going on between the ears.

QuaintBlueSeal · 18/06/2024 00:11

Some people are just bland and do not have much to say. They tend not to have many or any friends.

ViciousCurrentBun · 18/06/2024 00:02

I’m sure many people are just quite bland but more than that people are petrified of being cancelled for having opinions.

Original poster

happa · 17/06/2024 23:58

NewName24 · 17/06/2024 23:51

I'm thinking the same as @meganorks and @SnobblyBobbly

I'm friendly, out going, chatty, but I don't offer much when I don't agree with a lot of the other people's opinions, and I'm in a situation (which I suspect is the same as yours) where these are people you are going to have to spend time with every now and then, over years.

I mean, I'd challenge something offensive, but not so much at a level which has me just rolling my eyes internally. Then, once you feel like that, even really trivial things don't really engage me in conversation with them.

I have to say, I'm the same and I didn't really realise that.

However, I would not go out of my way to spend a lot of time with people I felt like that about. In addition, I actually feel a little bit like that about the actual people I'm talking about. I don't trust them really.

But I just keep trying somehow to connect, because we do see them so much.

I don't really know how to solve it, because I find it really dull and unfulfilling to spend time with them.

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NewName24 · 17/06/2024 23:51

I'm thinking the same as @meganorks and @SnobblyBobbly

I'm friendly, out going, chatty, but I don't offer much when I don't agree with a lot of the other people's opinions, and I'm in a situation (which I suspect is the same as yours) where these are people you are going to have to spend time with every now and then, over years.

I mean, I'd challenge something offensive, but not so much at a level which has me just rolling my eyes internally. Then, once you feel like that, even really trivial things don't really engage me in conversation with them.

IsabelleHuppert · 17/06/2024 23:41

happa · 17/06/2024 23:29

Ah no but they'll ask me: what are they like ?do you like them ? Who do you get on with ? Etc etc

They'll ask me about the details, so I share. But they don't do the same back.

It comes up when they ask what are we doing this weekend ? Or whatever it might be.

I'm not overly invested in the relationships. They ask to see me and my family very regularly. Almost every weekend.

Show quote history

So are they just inarticulate? Some people just can’t tell a story, or aren’t capable of describing a character or a place. Or they lead very dull lives and, If they want to see you a lot, enjoy your capacity to talk descriptively, or simply think you lead a more interesting life than they do? My mother, a lifelong, chronic people-pleaser, just bats back questions to the other person, because she thinks it’s ‘rude’ to take up conversational space. Listening to her on the phone for an hour, she may literally only say ‘Really?’ and ‘Oh, yes?’ at intervals…

I suppose I’m just asking why you think they’re consciously holding stuff back, rather than just not good at conversation in the way you would like?

Original poster

happa · 17/06/2024 23:32

@SnobblyBobbly I totally get that actually.

I do a similar thing with my in laws. But then I don't ever go out of my way to spend as much time with them, as the people I'm talking about want to spend with us.

I also do it with my in laws because I don't trust them. The less they know the better, about my personal stuff.

However, I wouldn't shy away from a bit of chit chat about menial opinions on things.

You've raised a good point. Perhaps they don't trust us and think we are judgy.

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Original poster

happa · 17/06/2024 23:29

IsabelleHuppert · 17/06/2024 23:21

I don’t think this is anything to do with ‘opinion’. Some people just aren’t particularly verbal, or are not verbal in a way you find appealing. You may think a pen picture of your fellow school mums’ personalities is funny and appealing, but some people would be baffled as to why you were talking about people they’d never met, or why you’d be interested in whether they liked the people they’d met at the weekend, or their opinions on skirt shapes.

And some people just aren’t self-deprecating.

The other possibility is that you seem far more invested in maintaining and deepening the relationship than the relatives are, and it makes them uncomfortable and evasive?

Ah no but they'll ask me: what are they like ?do you like them ? Who do you get on with ? Etc etc

They'll ask me about the details, so I share. But they don't do the same back.

It comes up when they ask what are we doing this weekend ? Or whatever it might be.

I'm not overly invested in the relationships. They ask to see me and my family very regularly. Almost every weekend.

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SnobblyBobbly · 17/06/2024 23:28

meganorks · 17/06/2024 21:18

Hmmm, I think you might find that it is because they don't share your views and opinions but they also dislike confrontation. And so they say nothing/very little. And if their opposing opinion is strong enough on something you've said, they've kind of shut down all together. So even seemingly 'light' subjects don't elicit a response.

Yes. This is how I handle conversations with people who I find maybe a bit judgy/over opinionated.

My in laws probably find me as dull as dishwater because I totally skirt around any kind of meaningful conversation with them because I hear how they judge others.

I also do this with people I don't trust. Keep it basic.

IsabelleHuppert · 17/06/2024 23:21

I don’t think this is anything to do with ‘opinion’. Some people just aren’t particularly verbal, or are not verbal in a way you find appealing. You may think a pen picture of your fellow school mums’ personalities is funny and appealing, but some people would be baffled as to why you were talking about people they’d never met, or why you’d be interested in whether they liked the people they’d met at the weekend, or their opinions on skirt shapes.

And some people just aren’t self-deprecating.

The other possibility is that you seem far more invested in maintaining and deepening the relationship than the relatives are, and it makes them uncomfortable and evasive?

Original poster

happa · 17/06/2024 22:58

Circumferences · 17/06/2024 21:39

I suppose I'd need to know what sort of opinions you think they need to share for context?

If your referring to things like hard politics (Palestine/Ukraine/Brexit) or the economy (colc) etc I really think those sorts of subjects are out of bounds in casual chit chat with the aged twenty somethings. I wouldn't have had much to say about that sort of thing at that age, even though now I'm full of it on all those subjects 🤣.

If you mean they have literally no opinion on anything including the weather or what they ate for tea I'd be a bit bored too.

To be fair, maybe your younger family members are more interested in listening?

Edited

Definitely not stuff like brexit etc. although to be fair, one of them did share an opinion on politics once, which I thought was a good thing. I asked a few questions around it, as it was politics from another country I wasn't super familiar with and I found it really interesting to learn more about it. I was really happy to find out a bit more about an opinion that one time it happened.

Other than that I mean really menial rubbish even. We were talking about dress shapes the other day and I mentioned I really like dresses with a big skirt, but tighter stuff suits me more. I didn't get any response there as to what their preferences may be. I know it seems so minor and stupid, but to me, the natural thing would be to say ' oh yeah I really love X shape and Y shape '. It just facilitates the flow of conversation.

Or if you ask about the weekend and something they did, or people they met, it's always just so vague. Oh so what are so and so's friends like - ' yeah they're really nice '- ok so what are they into ? What do they do ? where are they from ? Did you click with them ? Did you have a good time ?

I know we are at different life stages, but I want to connect and understand their life and take an interest in what they're up to. Rather than just say ' everyone is really nice '- tell me more - I've known you for 10 years. They're always really interested to hear about what we are doing / what the kids are doing etc, so I show an interest in what's happening in their life too.

If they ask me what the school mums are like for example - I go into some detail about that and actually explain what they're like, who I get on with and why- who maybe I'm not sure about or haven't got to know yet. I have real conversations. They don't seem to want to do that back, if that makes any sense ?

I give a lot and try to be inquisitive back to show an interest but I don't feel like much comes back.

I also notice that I share some negative / self deprecating / slightly vulnerable things occasionally. They'd also never ever do that about themselves.

I know everyone connects differently though. But we see these people very regularly and just feels like I put a lot out there, hoping to make a connection and it doesn't really work.

Ps: I know you'll all say I'm a fucking weirdo socially for what I've just explained, as this is AIBU. But generally I make friends really easily and I'm really sociable/ chatty / open person. People always say I'm very approachable and down to earth.

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Beaverbridge · 17/06/2024 21:47

Where my partner comes from people don't say hello when you meet up. They seem to launch into whatever it is they are going to speak about. Thought I was imagining it then my daughter married someone from the next town and his family are all the same. Weirdos.

TulipsTwoLips · 17/06/2024 21:42

Im sure they chat away to the people they want to!