Finding some people just don't give anything away

The older I get, the more guarded I am.

I’m 44, and depending on who you ask, you’d get an entirely different impression of who I am.

For the last 5-6 years or so, I just nod and agree. I can’t be arsed with people taking offence to what I think. I’m really easy going, I couldn’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks about anything, if they are a laugh, I’ll be their friend, but all I’ve learned in life is that most people aren’t like that.

I don’t want a debate on what I personally think about things, so I’ll keep it in my head. Life’s too short to get riled up because someone thinks a different way to you.

ETA - shit didn’t realise this was a zombie thread.

I am a very private person and don't feel the need to share everything about my life with acquaintances or colleagues.

I will chat more openly with close friends.

Everyone is different and you need to accept that.

Z O M B I E T H R E A D

This thread is nearly a year old.

But one thing l don't understand, OP, is why you are choosing to see them so often, when you clearly don't enjoy their company?

Just see them once every 6-8 weeks or so and you might find you all have more to talk about!

Sometimes you are together through circumstance - maybe you both attend the same club / group / hobby so meet up each week for that, rather than the company, and the 'chat' is by-the-by during an interval / before you start / after you finish / or even if it is an activity you can talk during.

Sometimes it might be you go to visit Relative A but it happens that another relative of theirs - person B - is there. For example, you go round to your ds's to see him, his partner and the grandchildren, but it means you are also spending time with his MiL who you might not be close to.

Also, we don't have harsh opinionated conversations going on in our house at all times that could upset them.

Not sure many people do. I can think of one person who I spend time with fairly regularly, who isn't a person I would choose to spend time with, but there is nothing harsh or opinionated about his conversation, it is just boring (to me). He is nice enough. He has never told me as such, but I'm pretty sure he is on the autistic spectrum, and there is no reason why I would exclude him from the group we both belong to, but I struggle to feign interest in the level of detail he likes to go in to about anything he wants to say.

I think it's generally personality rather than age. I was thinking similar about a 60 year old friend recently. We aren't close and I think partly because she almost seems needlessly secretive. No, she doesn't need to share every detail of her life, but things that make a conversation flow would be good. Eg, she's not around for a few days, so saying they are away in Yorkshire for a break would lead to chat about the area. Mentioning that they are going to a particular local restaurant for a birthday means next time you meet I can ask how the meal went.

Do you ever spend time with them one on one, or is it always a group situation?

I find many people express their thoughts more in an individual conversation, and once you have established that relationship they are better in a group (or at least you know what they are not saying).

I’ve not found this personally. I have friends 15-20 years older and younger. Maybe it’s your communication style and it’s not compatible with theirs?

I don’t think I have a strong opinion on dress shapes and I wouldn’t really care about some random school mum I have never met, it sounds a bit inane.

Do you have any shared interests you can talk about?

Hang on, so it’s not just a couple of individuals — it’s a whole range of younger relatives?

If I’m closed off, it’s usually because I don’t feel safe with the person I’m talking to. I don’t share things with people who I feel are going to turn right around and gossip about me the minute I leave the room.

Being filtered is no bad thing. I find the younger ones have watched the mistakes and errors of the slightly older ones and reflected that they don't want that.

It's more likely to be a skills/ personality thing than pure age, but being young there could be an element of self-censorship from growing up with social media. There have always been people like it though.

Some people are happy to be in a social space but struggle to participate in it.

I occasionally encounter people where I get the vibe that there's really not much going on, but that's quite rare. It's not just that they're quiet, hard to get responses from but also looking very blank like there's no interest in their surroundings or internal action either. It's like they just brought their body (and seen it most in children so unlikely to be a medication issue).

I have read all your posts and I don’t think it’s been mentioned but sorry if I’ve missed it — how big is the age difference?

My first impression is that they are quite young and unformed/uninformed, so don’t have too much to say yet and also don’t want to risk offending as they like being part of your family. Added to that they’re probably also not talented in telling stories and describing people and situations (DH is like this and it drives me mad sometimes, he just can’t craft a decent tale with more than the bare minimum).

Could you share what the relation is or is that outing? (They’re not your kids/step kids are they?)

Maybe your communication styles are just different. I'm not young, nor shy of talking, but I wouldn't go into detail in conversation about people the other person didn't know, whether they'd shared that sort of thing or not. I'd be too conscious of overtalking.
I would also not like someone pressing me for an opinion on something in the name of 'conversation.' Not that you've said you're doing that, but is it possible that the younger people feel a bit put on the spot at times?
It sounds as if your relationships are positive in other ways, so maybe just relax on this, let go of your expectations/disappointments and let communication occur naturally.

Maybe they don’t like small talk? They have an understanding of politics in another country but you’re talking to them about skirt patterns and what their friends are like? I don’t mean that to sound harsh but could it be that?

Can't ou clarify how they chose to spend time with you? As in, is it always thier suggestion to meet up? Do they propose activities like days out or gigs?

To me it seems blindingly obvious that they don't particularly like you/ want to connect with you and so don't really want you knowing lots about their lives.

Is it like where people say ‘but of course everyone is entitled to their opinion/ it’s their choice etc etc’? So they’re trying not to rock the boat? It’s so easy now to get jumped on for any opinion that I can kind of see their point

My DD is 15 and autistic and can not really make conversation. She asks me loads of a questions and my opinion about everything but will not really reciprocate. I really try to encourage her to share but she says ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I’m not sure’ to questions to avoid answering. If I really press for an opinion or answer, she gets upset. She is not unintelligent at all and I know deep down she has opinions but it is extreme shyness, low self esteem and fear of saying the wrong thing that are causing this I think. She also is hung up on being completely truthful so doesn’t want to say something in case it isn’t 100% true which gets in her way of offering opinions because they are not factual. It is so much easier for her to smile politely and say ‘I’m not sure’ than deal with all the overthinking that ties her up in knots. I am hoping she can learn to conversate more as she is older as I want her to make connections. So perhaps they are very shy or have low confidence which might be keeping their answers brief?

Some people just don't go that deep. And there's no point trying to make them because they dig in even more.

I used to find this frustrating but then I found people I could really, really talk to - just two new friends - and realised i'd been trying to get something out of the surfacey people that just wasn't there.

Now when I see them I keep it light and bland too, and it's fine. I don't really care about them and they don't really care about me and I've stopped trying to get any closer.

Do you think it’s a screen or social media thing? DSs chat at length on message platforms. I don’t know whether the gang is good company in real life. My DSs are- at least they are great with elderly relatives and great fun with us. DS2 has said he’s relieved to come home for decent conversation because he finds people can be a bit bland.

I tried hard to connect with my god daughter- took her out etc. it was painful, really hard. I couldn’t get a conversation going at all. She gets on really well with younger kids though.