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Original poster

Meeting new people and not talking about key aspects of my life

39 replies

Sparklybutold · 17/06/2024 20:37

I have lots of trauma and it seems a lot of bad luck. That's not to say I don't have good things going on in my life but there are significant life issues and aspects about who I am that can make for really difficult conversation. I am becoming more aware that when I meet new people and when they start asking questions about me, answering is really hard. At its worst, I've had a 'friend' ask me to stop because as she was learning more about me, it just made her feel sad. This was an incredibly shaming experience.

I can't give exact details as it could be outing, but think a life impacted by death including early parental death, significant trauma, murder, abuse, addiction, various medical diagnoses for myself and children, estrangement from bio family.

So how does one talk about themselves without talking about themselves? I've tried brushing over it, but then it impacts conversation and I am acutely aware that the absence of information creates a difficult atmosphere. My husband has suggested I lie, but I wouldn't do this from both an ethical pov nor would I be able to accurately remember anyway.

My life's experiences have always made me feel on the outside anyway, because I don't have relational experiences. I have a young family, so the normal discussion of grandparents and extended family etc is not something I have experienced, nor is it something I can lean on - the book stops with me.

I find it incredibly shaming, lonely and just sad. My one thing I try and focus on is the focus on ensuring my own kids never experience this, that they know, no matter what, they have me, they are loved and I will love them regardless.

So I'm curious, what would you do? Or do you perhaps relate?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/06/2024 20:58

How about “Ah my family - it’s complicated! A conversation for another time.” That’s truthful and can be as light or serious in tone as you feel ok with.

Sorry you had such a hard time ❤️ Well done for healing your family line, that’s huge.

Beachballplayer · 17/06/2024 20:58

I have been through a lot of trauma I just don't talk about myself, I let other people lead the conversation otherwise people get bored to death.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 17/06/2024 20:56

Johnhasalongmoustache · 17/06/2024 20:43

Give us an example of how the conversation goes that you feel you need to impart this level of detail

Think everyday getting to know someone...

So where are you from? Why did you move? Do you live close to family? All of these questions are synonymous with a lot of pain. most of the time I redirect (I am very good at this and it has meant I am good at my job), but sometimes when my resilience is less, or I have had lots of 'hits' treading that careful balance between honesty and shifting the conversation gets harder.

OP posts:
Snozwanger · 17/06/2024 20:53

It is a real shame that other people's reactions to our experiences makes it difficult for us to talk about them.

I have realised after going through a bad patch of mental health just before and during Covid, that I don't talk openly about my mother's death when I was a child at all. I remember when I used to tell people they would feel bad or awkward, or be very apologetic about upsetting me and change the subject. I think that probably put me off from talking about it since then, but I've realised that it's an important part of my life. Although it doesn't define me, I've realised that I ought to tell people once I've got to know them a little. I still haven't found the best way to mention it though, as you say, without getting into a long conversation and bringing down the mood.

I think there is probably a knack to getting the basic details out, enough so they get a picture of how it could have affected you but without having to go over it all again. I hope you find a way x

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 17/06/2024 20:52

Upminster12 · 17/06/2024 20:45

I haven't had that degree of trauma, but I have had things happen that make this kind of conversation difficult, what you said about making things awkward or sad really resonated with me. I will usually state the honest truth but then move the conversation on by saying something like:

"That was a really traumatic time in my life, I'm glad I've been able to move past that and now I'm happy with [husband]."
"It's really sad that [deceased person] is gone, but I'm glad I had them for the time I did".
"I've had some terrible luck in the past but I'm in a good place at the moment, I really enjoy doing xyz, how about you?"

I don't always feel as positive as these sentences suggest but it's a compromise between honesty and not wanting to drag everyone down.

I can relate to this. The balance between being honest whilst treading carefully is a difficult one. This within itself is tiring and shame inducing because you remain mindful of not saying something that will be hard to hear. There is rarely an everyday conversation where personal experience discussions about rape, murder, abuse etc would ever be reasonable. So it remains unspoken about - you carry it. Sometimes it's manageable and other times I just want to say no I don't want this, so then I start spiralling and my thoughts can get dark because within this rumination, it offers some solution as a way to not think about it anymore.

I have had therapy a lot of it, which has helped, but the memories don't go, don't lessen as such, you just learn to carry it better? Part of this does involve a burden to be mindful of what I say, so as not to overburden the recipient.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 17/06/2024 20:52

”It’s a long story, I won’t go into it” phrased as if you’re doing them a favour.

ProjectEdensGate · 17/06/2024 20:49

I agree with PP that the person who asked you to stop talking wasn't particularly kind or sensitive about your circumstances.

But I also don't think you need to go into lots of detail initially. It can be as simple as 'I don't have any family' or 'both my parents passed away when I was young'. Leave it as that and don't elaborate. Then as you get to know people better, you can tell them more if you want to. You can also say 'I prefer not to talk about that'.

I lost a family member in difficult circumstances and I just describe it as they were there but they have now passed away. I don't elaborate on it beyond that and TBH very few people even ask.

Upminster12 · 17/06/2024 20:45

I haven't had that degree of trauma, but I have had things happen that make this kind of conversation difficult, what you said about making things awkward or sad really resonated with me. I will usually state the honest truth but then move the conversation on by saying something like:

"That was a really traumatic time in my life, I'm glad I've been able to move past that and now I'm happy with [husband]."
"It's really sad that [deceased person] is gone, but I'm glad I had them for the time I did".
"I've had some terrible luck in the past but I'm in a good place at the moment, I really enjoy doing xyz, how about you?"

I don't always feel as positive as these sentences suggest but it's a compromise between honesty and not wanting to drag everyone down.

MitskiMoo · 17/06/2024 20:44

I concentrate on the here and now. I've had similar in the past and have a life limiting illness. Most people would have no clue, nor are they really asking when they ask how you are. I could answer...I'm dying. I do answer, I'm doing really well at the moment then move onto something positive. I have a permanent NJ so it's obvious I'm not well but I've never been forced to talk about it.

Johnhasalongmoustache · 17/06/2024 20:43

Give us an example of how the conversation goes that you feel you need to impart this level of detail

Mostlyoblivious · 17/06/2024 20:43

I think you’re talking to the wrong people: the person who asked you not to talk about it anymore was in the wrong, not you. Please try and not take on shame from that interaction.
You can prepare phrases such as ‘a lot has happened which has been hard but there we go’ / or chuckle and say ‘that’s too much to go into now’ and then move the conversation back to the person you were talking with such as something they’d previously mentioned (an event, child, home Reno etc) or whether they were going to order more cake etc. Or, find solid decent friends. I do suggest therapy with a skilled practitioner to talk these things through and the impact of the events etc.
Sorry you’re going through this

Johnhasalongmoustache · 17/06/2024 20:43

(Or whatever )

Johnhasalongmoustache · 17/06/2024 20:42

It depends at what level of the friendship.

I don’t talk about personal details about my family until I know somebody very well. You wouldn’t start a conversation with hello I’m Jane. I’m 35 and my mother was a heroin addict.

RedHelenB · 17/06/2024 20:41

I say very little about my past apart from to very good friends Just direct conversation onto the questioner or change topic.