Meeting new people and not talking about key aspects of my life

It can be exhausting to be sharing ‘big’ things all the time- save it for people you know well.
I have found myself comforting people over things that have happened to me because they feel bad in my behalf! That takes energy…

Deflecting is a good tactic with new people. Turn the conversation to them. Most (presumably less traumatised) people LOVE to talk about themselves.
Share what you want to share, with people you trust. And never feel embarrassed by your experiences (although I do, constantly, think I should have overcome my childhood difficulties by now).
Well done for forging a positive path with your family. It's not easy.

When I say superficial I don't mean meaningless.

If asked why I moved to France I'll say it was due to wanting a new challenge, having the means and opportunity and finding a house that we loved that we bought online during COVID.

I won't say any negative things about why I decided to go, just positives.

If asked about family, I'll say that my nieces are doing x, my step daughter is doing y and various other people are doing z. I'll not say anything bad about them, or go into aspects of my history or other issues, I spin it back to the positive.

The thing is that nobody really wants to know the bad stuff, they are being pleasant to facilitate getting to know you. It will put people off if you launch into bad stuff too soon. Save that for much later, if ever.

If there is so much bad stuff that you can't hold a surface level conversation about the weather or when the bus is due or the cost of baked beans these days, or what your crazy cat did this morning, then I you might seriously need professional help. Surface level interactions are how we start to make friends.

Everyone presents a redacted version of themselves, it’s just a matter of degree. Do you really believe that everyone telling you about their happy families isn’t hiding something? A cheating husband, an alcoholic parent, their own eating disorder, a troubled teen.

We all have dirty washing that we don’t show in public.

I say this kindly - you are thinking of this is very black and white terms

“ I am the only one dealing with a difficulty family background and not telling everyone everything because I’m too ashamed and it’s tiring and difficulty and I spent most of the time deflecting. Whereas everyone else has a perfect family and they live a perfect life with no problems so they tell everyone everything all the time. So I am alone in my struggles “.

If you think like this you WILL feel lonely and scared and that all social contact is difficult, because you are the weird person and everyone else is normal .

But it’s really not like that. Everyone has their dark family secrets - some more that others but it’s all on a continuum. You might be hiding more than the average person but you will also be hiding less than some others .

Im not saying this to minimise what you have been through, it’s good that you’ve not given us details here so we are all talking in a general way. I’m trying to get you to see that you are not alone - we all do this , we all have thinhs we are ashamed of and traumatised by. You only have to spent a few hours on MN to see that behind the facade there are women dealing with severe abuse from their partners, poverty, homelessness, mental health problems , addiction, life threatening illness.

You can’t change your past but I wonder if you would be helped by some more or a different type or therapy such as EMDR or CBT or counselling . Have you ever read about or had treatment for complex PTSD? Joining a self help group can make people feel less alone, as they talk with others who understand.

Do you think it’s possible that you are clinically depressed and would benefit from seeing your Gp and getting some medication ?

What comes over most from your post is that you are very lonely and scared. My heart goes out to you , I’m so sorry you feel like this and I hope you can find a way forward into happiness and contentment.

Maybe look at the Onion Theory of communication...even people I have known for decades don't know about various aspects of my life, never will.

You don't need to tell anyone anything, just keep it superficial.

I find it increasingly easy to not go into areas of my life that I don’t want to as I get older. Asking them questions about themselves works well and it keeps certain people at bay. There are some people I work with who I know vast streams of detail about their family and lives yet I don’t think they could even name my children! I’m quite happy with that. I’m quite private really outside of my close friends and quite happy to be told I’m a good listener ;)

Another tack is, ‘oh, I won’t go there-it’s very long and convoluted!’. Obviously I would ‘go there’ with friends, but in my own time.

I have two friends (no crossover). Both of them lost a parent in the most unimaginable circumstances. Both took their time to get to know me and develop a real friendship with me, before they told me their stories. It’s important you feel In Control of your personal story and only share details when you feel really comfortable doing so.

My parents died when I was young and we have no contact with my in-laws, so no grandparents. I just say we have no family support when people ask about family. It’s usually related to toddler DS, so that makes sense. If we get closer, I’ll mention that my parents are dead at a relevant time so it’s not a big secret, but I don’t introduce myself with that fact. It’s not a defining feature of me and it makes people feel quite sad/awkward so it’s not a first chat type conversation.

It can be tiring to feel you’re locking away aspects of you that you do consider defining, though, and I’m sorry that’s often the case for you. It must be really hard.

I was told that people like to talk about themselves, and that you have 2 ears 2 eyes & 1 mouth so try and use them in that proportion. Also that if you ask open ended questions (ones that cannot be answered with just a yes or no eg beginning with who, what where when why how etc this makes them HAVE to talk, and once they do you are in control of the conversation and can steer it anyway you want. So I would bat back any questions about 'me' eg 'did you grow up round here? with just a 'Yes I did' but then throw in 'how about you, where are you from? Once you've got the other person talking, you simply carry on taking control of the conversation with the open ended questions and let them talk....till you are bored and then you ask ''Now where do you think we can get a refill/more food' and wander off to the kitchen.

I think you are overthinking a bit the level of details people expect from you. They don’t want so many. You need to prepare in advance not too deep answers and produce them . E.g “I’m from Yorkshire but moved to London long time ago. What about you? / Do you live here for long? / I’ve heard you are from Devon aren’t you?” etc etc
If people are talking about their experiences and relationships with Dads of course I never tell them about my difficult childhood and that my dad was alcoholic. If asked directly I would say: I wasn’t very close to my Dad.
The secret is to tell it in a certain tone which hints “ the end”.
We moved from where I was born to a different end of the country as my mum was unwell, dad was drinking and lost his job so there were a lot of problems. However if asked I would say : oh yes, parents moved for work when I was very young.
My point is that if any questions are triggering for you it’s one problem but how to answer them is another. And you can easily tackle the latter with some preparation.

I think that most people have areas of their past that are hurtful / difficult to talk about - some of us have more than others.

I think you need to match the level of detail with the level of intimacy in the relationship. And you need to be mindful that anything sensitive that you say may be triggering for the other person.

I deal with this like most PP here - I have polite non answers that in our culture indicate to the questioner that we don’t want to talk about it. That’s the social rule and if anyone ignores it, they are the one who is being intrusive / blunt and it’s fine to be more direct “ Thank you for asking but I’d rather not talk about it . So tell me, what are your hobbies ? Or other safe question.

I realise that some people from other cultures ( or who are ND ) may not pick this up, so a polite, direct comment is ok for them too.

I think those of us who have been through a lot of loss need to be mindful of our own well being and carefully guard who we tell and when. It’s not fair on anyone to “ trauma dump”, we need to be wise and kind.

Some things are just too sensitive and need to be discussed with therapists / counsellor and perhaps only in more general terms with our very closest loved ones.

Sadly, things like rape / sexual assault are very common and you don’t know what has happened to others. So it’s unfair to start telling you new work colleague about how you hate John in accounts because he reminds you of an ex you had when you were 18 who did X in bed.

When for all your know, she was sexually abused by her Uncle John from the aged of 8-12 and when she told her mother about it, she put her into care.

That’s not to minimise your trauma from your creepy ex who assaulted you. But just to say that you need to disclose things to the right person at the right time.

I think I am a bit too open at times and overshare, esp if drinking!
I would say however my boyfriend of a year a few years back was spectacularly uninterested in me and literally asked nothing about my life. It was odd after we split that he knew nothing about my broken home and huge life events experienced when growing up, that usually come out within a few weeks of knowing someone.

I think it showed me that I can be gatekeeper to these if they don't ask, and if I am busy asking about them, for example. I could tell you his childhood dog's name and his favourite toy so perhaps see it as a cue to switch focus and ask them some bits and just chip in with "me too" now and then if you can or try to brush off with "my family was complicated and very tricky, maybe let's go there another time" and just talk about bits that are relevant if they come up? It's unlikely most people will have had the same experiences, but if you are the one asking at least you can add in "me too!" if you have rather than realise they're now looking at you like you've got 2 heads!

FWIW I always get told I have turned out very normal, all things considered, which I always struggle to know how to take. I think I am happy with it but sometimes it can feel like people think I am putting a mask on things and don't trust me? I've had to just get over that. Some people don't like trauma and distance themselves quickly, which I have also recognised as more of a "them" thing (sometimes they don't want to relive something or be reminded of stuff but can be for many reasons).

I hear you @Sparklybutold Sorry you’re feeling fragile today. It must be hard when someone is outlining their positive experience with family. It’s not fair. I’m glad you have happiness with your own lovely DC and DH 💐

Getting triggered by questions themselves I can’t help with except that if you know you have practiced answers it might be easier. You could even write them down.

questions about family - oh we aren’t close. One for another day. (Then deflect with a question about the other person).

question about where you’re from - oh all over. Or (the place), (then move on)

do you still have family there? - no, no links any more (deflect deflect deflect).

i have a mate who had a very terrible upbringing and uses similar tactics. We were pretty close before she told me anything and i realised she’d always deflected like mad without directly lying.

Just flip it back, people love talking about themselves

hi
Not had quite the same extent as you but some very tricky things which do come up early in the ‘getting to know you’ phase.

To be honest I tend to decide pretty quickly how much I like someone and whether they are likely to be a friend or acquaintance. If I really like them I tell them. If not, I gloss over and move on. Would that work for you?

Something I would suggest is to be exceedingly open about mundane personal things. I find I share so much stuff (that I consider trivial) no one seems to think I might have deeper darker stuff I'm not sharing.

Those are quite probing questions people are asking you! Anyone asking for that much detail should maybe expect to get detail they didn't expect! In other words, it's them not you. For example, I have colleagues I am close to. I have no clue why they moved away from home, or even where home is, because why would I ask that stuff? We talk about work and kids, and the usual stuff like football or the weather, but I don't ask probing questions of people. If they want to tell me, that should be their choice.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much

But how do you make someone a close friend without them knowing your past before you tell them?

genuine question as I have similar challenges to OP