Will ASD child always be this full on?

I get that and whatever happens you will come to a place of acceptance regardless of what your child's needs are
I really am not trying to be pessimistic because I don't know your child
What helped me was seeking out people who were on a similar path and understood the difficulties we were facing.

I've only skimmed through the replies, so sorry if already mentioned, but wanted to add - you may find it helpful to adjust your expectations (I can't think of a nicer way of saying that!). For us this didnt come naturally initially. You've mentioned willing him to have friends and wanting to go to parties, for example - does he actually want those things?

We're about 12 months ahead of you by the sounds of things, just coming to the end of reception in a very inclusive school. I know my child wanders around on his own, in his own little world at lunchtime, but that's fine because that's his choice. After working in a busy office all day, I take my lunch hour alone too (and I'm neither autistic nor have the emotional maturity of a 5 year old). My son has been invited to a lot of parties (reception class so lots of whole class parties going on) but we've politely declined on the basis that they just wouldn't be enjoyable for him, they'd be far more than he can cope with.

It's hard to adjust your mindset to the child you have compared to the way you may have imagined things would be though 💙

One of my friends has a child with autism. She said the same as the above post. If your child is diagnosed with autism. Get the help you need and don't be afraid to fight for it. Work with your child, join local autism support groups as someone with an older child might give you advice on what helped them at your stage. My friend did parenting courses for having a child with autism as well.

She said that some parents don't want to admit their child has autism or don't want to get them tested. They can have any number of red flags and chose to ignore them.
As their child grows up it becomes more apparent and the child behaviour just gets worse.
It makes life far harder on the child and harder on the parents long term.
The earlier they get help the better they do long term.

Kindly, I think you're overthinking the "making friends" thing at this stage. Even a lot of NT 4yos in reception will struggle with making friends (either not really wanting to, or not knowing how to go about it). And then you get to Year 1/2 and having "friends" mostly seems to mean telling a lot of people that they're not invited to your party 🤣🤣

The rest of it, I'm afraid I can't help. But my approach to all parenting is to try to spend my energy on the things that are actual problems right now, not the things that might be problems at some point in the future x

Mine is 14 now, he’s less full on all the time but the hard times although less do seem harder. So when you’ve got a child same size as you for example having a public meltdown and attacking you it really difficult, when they were smaller there was the option of containing them or picking them and taking them to safety. However the meltdowns do seem to be less and he’ll spend quite a lot of time in his bedroom chilling like other teenagers

And thats ok.

my husband is like you, he needs positive stories to cling to.

i always prefer to know the worst case scenario to be prepared.

Turns out I didn’t need to be prepared really my son has turned out simply perfect and adorable. When he was 5 I couldn’t imagine saying this but if there were a ‘cure’ for autism I wouldn’t want him to have it (unless he wanted it of course) as i just wouldn’t change a thing about him.

My son’s psychiatrist said the main variables with outcomes were early diagnosis, early intervention and parents willing to do the work, take on board the techniques etc. It sounds like your son has all of these.

Unfortunately nobody can say its a massive spectrum and impacts everyone differently there are always lots of positive reply on these kinds of threads. And whilst I don't want to rain on anyones parade. Posters can only say how things have turned out for THEIR child
My son was diagnosed at three and still has very complex needs it's got easier in some ways but harder in others your child will have their own trajectory and you can't compare two children on the spectrum

@Shrimpshapednuggets - yes the other school parents can be very judgy as can most other people and it's truly hideous to be on the receiving end. And the lack of party/etc invitations too. However, over the years, there will be 1 or 2 school parents who can recognize what is going on and really do try and help.

When ds had been in his SS for a few years (always as a day pupil although most were boarders) I arranged an Event-based Birthday Party at a local venue and invited all his fellow pupils. It was a great success.

I'll never forget the parents of a newer day pupil coming up to me to say their ds had never been invited to a party before - all I could do was to hug his mother tightly and say I know.

SUCH a good idea for a thread.

OP in my experience those who’s kids don’t turn out right are the ones in denial, who try and bully their kids into being normal, don’t get a diagnosis, head in the sand etc. Those are the kids who turn out to be nightmares.

Those who get the diagnosis and the support… yes you have to fight for it but the support does work and help long term for most

Based on a sample size of two...

50:50 chance.

My sons 19 now and he's so much easier.
I was warned about the puberty years and how horrible he would be but nope I thing once puberty started he's mellowed out so much I can take him anywhere and not worry about him behaving.
He has very limited speech and severe learning difficulties but he's got the most amazing smile and he's so sociable he just loves to be out and about.

Op. My son is 10 and has come so far since his very anxious/volatile/frustrated early years.
He's my calmest child at home most of the time-now the world & his feelings make more sense to him.
I feel I've had to put triple the effort into parenting him and explaining things to him as things didn't come instinctively compared to my two nt kids but seeing the progress he's made and how he can cope with things now is so rewarding.

Friendships arent easy and the best decision we came to was to pursue and ehcp and get him into specialist education so he could be with other autistic kids like him.

I've been on a journey of acceptance and pride of who he is and how his brain works. But there's been many tears and stresses on the way.

Same as other pp have said - toddler years were a nightmare, gradually got better and at about 8yo something shifted. The meltdowns are nowhere near as often or as explosive. We have been up front about his diagnoses - also has adhd - my feeling is that people will judge the behaviour so they might as well at least know where it comes from. That way if they’re still being judgy then I know who to avoid! I’ve also made some good friendships with parents of children with similar difficulties (solidarity!).

he's 10 now, and doing much better at parties since he generally knows what to expect. He doesn’t get many invites to friends houses, but they do meet us out and about, or they come to ours. All their parents comment on how polite and lovely he is. His teacher did a lesson on neurodiversity and afterwards his friends kept coming over asking if he was ok and did he need anything which I thought was really sweet! He was just confused by that though 😂

YANBU - it was horrendous for many years but it does get easier. You're coming from a good starting-point as your ds has a 'strong' EHCP to enter primary/infants/reception with.

You must watch the implementation of his EHCP like a hawk and be aware that things can go horribly wrong, even though you're advised it's all 'fine'.

Do not be afraid of exclusions (insist on permanent ones), nor baulk from considering the Independent Special School sector. After 1 permanent exclusion, 1 withdrawal and the 2nd permanent exclusion (at my insistence via the Governors) by the age of 10, it was a done deal - the LEA had to fund the Special School and it worked for DS.

It was heartbreaking all along the way and I could hardly believe it was happening or what to do; I learned on the 'job' so to speak. My biggest recommendation is that 'withdrawal' is not the best idea and should only be done as a last resort'

DS22 is a fine young man now, one of the calmest people and soon to start a fantastic apprenticeship opportunity. Any tears I might shed now are from relief that it all turned out well in the end.

But I'll never forget that little 'Tasmanian Devil' that had so many adults running for cover.

Also @Shrimpshapednuggets if you search my name I had a thread where I asked parents of ASD children who had turned out lovely what they thought they did right and it has been very very useful for me. If you can find it and bookmark it might be useful xx

Re: telling people diagnosis.

we didn’t first and they just thought he was naughty and rude. Actively pulled their kids away from him. Made comments to us about boundaries etc.

I started leading with proactively telling people his diagnosis. Everywhere we go now, on public transport, whatever. I would say 99% of the time people are understanding, parents explain to their kids. I had other school parents recommend books for their kids to understand autism (my friend simon is good btw). A very few are horrible but i’d rather a few horrible than the vast majority think my kid’s just a badly raised brat.

Just wanted to be another expressingly solidarity OP. We have 2/3 children with ASD including our very gentle withdrawn daughter and a four year old boy who is bright, completely demand avoidant and struggles with behaviour and anything social.

We were very lucky to meet other parents with autistic children and to learn about a little village school a few miles from us when the number on roll was falling and a number of families from across our area were travelling to the school for their expertise with high needs kids. Our son is in a small class now and with kids who are going through similar things. The parents network is lovely and understanding and we don't have that feeling of difference any more.

A good school will make a huge difference on the things that are worrying you, and if you don't find that school at first try it is worth having at the back of your mind that it is somewhere.

OP when he starts school, insist on the SENCO involving every possible agency to help him integrate, and to build towards an ehcp. My DS has one now that pays for a one to one TA. If was life changing and ended a cycle of pet time timetables and sadly exclusions.

@Shrimpshapednuggets this can and probably will get alot better. I watched my son do all sorts that was ' odd' but he has watched and learnt. At first he was very disliked I felt in a new primary school. Also he'd get one playdate invite then never a second. He wasn't diagnosed then but it was obvious.
Once diagnosed, I encouraged my son to be open and tell everyone. I don't know whether you can just make them aware so they can tell everyone in their own time once they understand it. My son now arranges to see lots of friends - they decide now instead of the parents dominating it. I assure you, the parents will be the biggest issue until he's old enough that they don't interfere.

I thought my son would be beating me up now based on meltdowns I tried managing in early years. He's nothing like that. The potential to rage is there and always will be but it's manageable.

I'm not sure ref telling other parents. I'd personally wait until there are invites to things and then tell parents one on one. There will be judgement and exclusion to some extent regardless if you tell them. You won't be the only one. There are clearly about 4 ND kids in my son's class.

This was also our experience. The years from 2-6 were just awful on every level. But as he gets older and also understands that he is autistic, it is getting better. Hang in there OP. Try audio books as a good regulator, especially the Ladybird Audio Adventures. We started there and are now on to Percy Jackson. DS eats it up and great educationally and for reading, listening mug skills