No sex for ten years.. DH not able ..AIBU ?

We separated for a couple of years over it. Then realised that wasn’t actually what anyone wanted and over a course of about six months had a few nights where we drank a bit too much and said some things we could pass off as being wine fuelled but both of us knew were true. We haven’t talked about it since then but that’s not unusual, we’re not big emotional chatters.

To be clear though - if someone was mysteriously away overnight or obviously talking to someone else that would be unacceptable. A second relationship of any kind is not on the table.

How are you able to live a lovely life style if he is so out of it you can’t have any kind of physicality?
Is he affected so much that you are just caring for him and have no relationship? If the relationship is effectively over I think you are entitled so seek happiness elsewhere. But if you are still able to have a relationship just minus the sex you should stay faithful to your husband.

I wonder what would happen if you asked your husband. Going behind his back is wrong. You say he wouldn't be able to do anything else because of the morphine - does that mean that he can't do anything physical (even non sexual)? In that case I think a discussion might be on the table.

Have you ever had a discussion with your husband about the lack of intimacy and sex?

I'm the same as a few others who posted,if it was me who was too unwell to have sex I would have a discussion with my partner about having an open relationship if they wanted.

Can you speak to your husband about you having an open relationship/polyamory/ENM?

I'd be really sad if I couldn't have sex ever again so I'd be wanting an open relationship.

That's difficult, OP.
I think, however, if you enjoy sex ...
I stopped at 42 and am extremely grateful that my husband is three decades older and I can live in peace.
😳
Everyone is different.

All the people with their black and white thinking....who think it's cheating and its wrong full stop. How far would you take this? What if in your twenties, your husband became seriously mentally and physically disabled and living in a care home? Would you live the rest of your life in celibacy?

Out of interest, how did you end up with this understanding?

Personally, I wouldn't but that is because I have a fairly low sex drive so could live quite comfortably without that form of intimacy. For some of my friends, this situation would be untenable.

No judgement here. But a word of caution: physical affairs tend to become complicated. Are you sure you won't end up hurt? That your lover won't end up hurt? That your husband won't end up finding out? How will you feel afterwards? Is it sex you are craving or something else? Is having sex really more important than the risk of it all going pear-shaped?

Think really carefully about this - no one can answer these questions for you.

From the other perspective that would be:
"I am disabled and unable to have sex, my OH and I enjoy the wealth but they sleep around and tell some of their friends about it."

Oh OP. I am so sorry for you and your DH. What an awful thing to happen.

If she wants a sex life then she should end the marriage. Why do people get married if they can’t stick to being faithful “in sickness and in health, until death do is part?” This is what you sign up to.

OP really really hard but have you tried some alone time with "toys" and your own thoughts? I couldn't cheat on my partner but do totally get the desire. When I was single (was a lone parent for years) I had a FWB as sometimes the need for intimacy was so strong.

Why get married if you can’t stay faithful until “death do us part?”

I hope @Tenaciousbeyondallthings has read this post. I totally agree.

I’d do it. Do you really want no sex until you die. If the answer is no then do something about it.

I really think you should go for it. You get one life. This is an exceptional circumstance. It's not like you wouldn't prefer things to be different. But ultimately, they aren't. If you're not careful, all this passion and desire you're capable of could be past you. Not to mention that one day, you too could be infirm and incapable of participating in sexual activities.

Seriously, I'd live your life and only tell a few trusted people. Too many people are judgemental when they can't possibly understand what they expect you to give up just to satisfy the institution of marriage. It's not fair on you.

@Tenaciousbeyondallthings well done for reasoning through it all yourself. I think if your DH was mentally damaged and didnt recognise you etc, then fine (that happened to a friend of mine, her 30 something hubby feel down the stairs and has been in a care home since leaving hospital).

I'm so sorry your DH and your lives have been so badly damaged, the money is in no way compensates either of you esp as he's in pain.

You may already do this, so apologies if you do... good porn or book and a dildo/vibrator. I know it's not the same but it def helps.

Sending a hug x

And treat yourself to the best sex toys…. See how it all sits and keep talking with your therapist.

What a difficult situation. Please treat yourselves to some counselling. You can build up a full and satisfying life without a conventional sex life. If you miss being touched, find a good massage therapist. Make sure you make time to see friends you love. Really attend well to your well-being

Morphine addicts usually function fairly well- but if OP’s husband has disabilities, this is probably worse than the sedating effects of the morphine.

Mum’s GP was a morphine addict-he delivered her as a baby- he ran a practice single handed ( 1950’s) but was eventually found out.

Was able to work hard.

@Tenaciousbeyondallthings Buy a Sybian or something similar- Not tried one, but they are meant to be phenomenal!

I thought this!

This was a fairly unedifying read.

We enjoy a lovely lifestyle .. due to that compensation (it was BAD do think over £1m

If he spends most of his time doped up on morphine and out of it, are you sure that it's both of you who enjoy a lovely lifestyle because of his compensation... or is it mainly just you?

OP there's more options than just a sexless marriage or divorce. I don't think you're a bad person for considering it - sex and intimacy is a huge part of healthy relationships and we all have needs - yours are going unmet and it's making you unhappy - that's neither your fault nor his. I do think you could speak to your DH about it. Tell him how you feel, that intimacy is important to you, and you're not sure what to do now that you've lost it. Lots of people have open relationships, and if he is open to something like that then it could be a good and honest way to keep your marriage, and have your needs met too.

On another note - does your DH want to be able the have sex? If he has a long term condition, is he under a medical team or a consultant at all? I work in medicine and this is something that often gets discussed with the patients if it's an issue for them, as I deal with people who have lost physical abilities. Sex and relationships is something consultants and physiotherapists can also advise on - and there are medical managements that can help / drugs can be reviewed, physical positioning for intimacy can be explored.

You're not out of options, don't despair just yet!