Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's controlling girlfriend

63 replies

BiancaBlue · 17/06/2024 18:24

I have a male friend I've been mates with for 10+ years. Never been in a relationship and never fancied each other. We see each other about once a month. When we do it's either in the pub with a group of mutual friends, or sometimes we go to gigs together. It's never been an issue with either of our partners over the years until now.

His girlfriend is very controlling and I think he's starting to see it. They went on a night out the other night, and she accused him of going outside to call me (it was 2am and he did not call me, or anyone. He went to the toilet). He showed her his call records so she could see he hadn't text or called anyone but she accused him of deleting a call to me. All came to a head last night when he told her he can be friends with whoever he likes and she threatened to kill herself (apologised after but shocking behaviour). She doesn't have any problem with the rest of our friend group, just me, and we probably see each other the least as I'm a single mum and don't have much time. I only know all this because she wouldn't talk to me when we all went out and I asked him directly what the problem was.

What baffles me is that we really are just friends. See each other every so often. Usually in a group. Don't have social media so only ever talk via WhatsApp and it's always 'you coming to the pub with X and X tonight?'. Occasionally ask him for advice re work as we both work in a similar field but that's once in a blue moon.

I feel very uncomfortable about being argued over, and it makes it awkward when she comes out with everyone as I know she thinks I'm up to something (I'm bloody not!), that I just don't go when I know she's going to be there.

Has anyone ever come across this before? Being fixated in for seemingly no reason? Horrible feeling of having done something wrong when I haven't.

OP posts:
Everythingiscalmfornow · 17/06/2024 23:55

Well you might just be platonic friends but he is being rather disloyal to her by discussing their relationship with you.

Discussing her with you, telling you details of her thoughts and actions.
I think she has a right to be annoyed about that. Perhaps that is why she is not happy with you and him being friends.

Floogal · 17/06/2024 22:30

BiancaBlue · 17/06/2024 19:50

It's not his wife it's his gf of 7/8 months.

Show quote history

She sounds like she has more red flags than a communist rally. He should ltb

BobbyBiscuits · 17/06/2024 19:53

@BiancaBlue I get it. I did feel that way, but when it came down to it my relationship was more important. That wouldn't have been the case in my previous relationships.

Original poster
BiancaBlue · 17/06/2024 19:50

nokidshere · 17/06/2024 19:46

She doesn't have any problem with the rest of our friend group, just me, and we probably see each other the least as I'm a single mum and don't have much time.

Clearly she thinks, rightly or wrongly, that there's more to the friendship than you are saying.

There's little you can do about it and you just need to let them get on with it, he shouldn't be repeating things his wife feels about you to you.

It's not his wife it's his gf of 7/8 months.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 17/06/2024 19:46

She doesn't have any problem with the rest of our friend group, just me, and we probably see each other the least as I'm a single mum and don't have much time.

Clearly she thinks, rightly or wrongly, that there's more to the friendship than you are saying.

There's little you can do about it and you just need to let them get on with it, he shouldn't be repeating things his wife feels about you to you.

GreyBlackLove · 17/06/2024 19:46

I have a mixed group of friends and experience something similar. In my case though, the gf eventually made it difficult for him to see any of the women in the group...and then anyone in the group. They broke up after a few years and he reached out again, with some awful experiences including DV, death threats etc.

I can't suggest much other than being a supportive friend and accepting he might feel the need to choose.

Original poster
BiancaBlue · 17/06/2024 19:39

BobbyBiscuits · 17/06/2024 19:36

I've backed off male friendships sometimes when their partner seems to take a dislike to me. I've also stopped speaking to male friends at the request of my partner.
I guess if you do value him as a friend you'll accept he may have to make a choice. If I were you I'd accept the fact you might not be able to be mates properly again until/if he chooses to spilt up with her.

I would never stop speaking to a platonic male friend at the request of a partner though. I've never had to thankfully.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 17/06/2024 19:36

I've backed off male friendships sometimes when their partner seems to take a dislike to me. I've also stopped speaking to male friends at the request of my partner.
I guess if you do value him as a friend you'll accept he may have to make a choice. If I were you I'd accept the fact you might not be able to be mates properly again until/if he chooses to spilt up with her.

Original poster
BiancaBlue · 17/06/2024 19:32

cherrytreed · 17/06/2024 19:24

How do you know all of this? Has your Friend told you? You say you only talk about work or the casual "are you going to
The pub with x and x "

If he has been telling you about them arguing over you then maybe he does see you as more than friends? And maybe wants to see your reaction ?

Yes she does sound rather controlling but I don't understand the above if you say you only chat once a month then how do you know all of this .. it's quite personal

I wouldn't worry too much about her. I think it's up to him to sort out this situation

He doesn't see me as more than a friend. She's asked other people in our friendship group if we ever dated. She's made it very obvious so the conversation has come up more than once. I'm just sick of it.

OP posts:
Mydahliasareshit · 17/06/2024 19:31

If she's threatening to off herself over you, then you can imagine what else she will threaten over myriad other issues.

Be there for your mate on the other side, it's likely he will need support to extricate himself from this.

SewingIsMySuperPower · 17/06/2024 19:25

Sort of. Not quite the same scenario as you. And I suppose I've been the one being a bit crazy about an old boyfriend and one of his female friends (defo not as crazy as your friend's girlfriend though!)

Ultimately you need to understand it isn't about you. She's insecure and doesn't trust him. She's fixated on you, but it could probably have been anyone.

I knew my husband was for me because he's friends with a few of his exes and I don't care. I'm even friends with one of them myself now!

Relationships like that rarely last unless he's willing to be controlled, or she gets over it.

Try not to let it get to you too much. There's really not much you can do about it yourself x

cherrytreed · 17/06/2024 19:24

How do you know all of this? Has your Friend told you? You say you only talk about work or the casual "are you going to
The pub with x and x "

If he has been telling you about them arguing over you then maybe he does see you as more than friends? And maybe wants to see your reaction ?

Yes she does sound rather controlling but I don't understand the above if you say you only chat once a month then how do you know all of this .. it's quite personal

I wouldn't worry too much about her. I think it's up to him to sort out this situation

Original poster
BiancaBlue · 17/06/2024 19:06

Bumping

OP posts: