Friend's controlling girlfriend

Women sit in groups and complain about men then turn on the waterworks why is it different for a man?

@HoarseSoprano I don't think it's superficial at all. It's what happens sometimes in life. I don't regret stopping certain male friendships at all. My partner is much more important.

That suggests a very low estimation of friendship if you’re prepared to drop longterm friends once they’re in relationships with insecure people! I can’t imagine wanting to resume a friendship with someone who ditched me when they were seeing someone — it would mark them out as deeply superficial.

OP, I wouldn’t do anything. You’ve done nothing wrong, obviously, and are not responsible for either your friend’s choice of girlfriend OR her insecurities.

Don’t think people are suggesting she back off for the sake of the girlfriend. I agree her behaviour is too much and the guy should not be with someone like that. But I backed off in two friendships (i.e. didn’t instigate messaging as much) because while I thought it was bonkers, I just didn’t want to be involved. I didn’t stop hanging out when they would be there or anything, I just didn’t initiate contact. It was sad, but up to them to decide what they wanted to do. Certainly wouldn’t be my choice but I do think a lot of men place relationships above friendships.

I can see why this makes you feel uncomfortable. It is pretty horrible. I don’t think there’s much you can do about it, unfortunately, other than let it play out between your friend and his gf.

I don’t agree that he is being disloyal to his gf by telling you about their issues. Particularly as he didn’t rush to tell you, it only came out because you picked up on her behaviour being off.

I hope it plays out well and you keep your friend without being sucked into any more drama.

Also, why are there suggestions that he not talk to OP so he doesn't hurt this whackos feelings and "make" her more insecure? Are we looking out for the wellbeing of abusive nutjobs now? Insane.

@Bringthejury1 Agreed! I'm surprised how many comments seem to be suggesting OP just needs to back off this 10+ year friendship because it's making his possessive girlfriend uncomfortable.

Can't help but feel that gender is relevant here, and that if it were a man behaving this way, people would call it what it is: abuse.

I as I said previously he is perfectly entitled to and should confide in someone about his concerns regarding the relationship.
But personally I find the idea of him sitting in front of a whole group of people discussing her - she did this , she said the other - actually quite distasteful. And, if he is in tears , quite performative. He may be telling things as he experienced them. He may be being truthful he may be exagerating. Nobody knows the truth of their relationship apart from him and his girlfriend. To me it comes over as him trying to get people on his side.
If he really is concerned about hi relationship there seems better ways of getting advice and help than putting things on public display where he is sure everyone is going to be on his side, rather than getting objective considered advice.
If girlfriend to know she and her relationship is being openly discussed in this way and she is effectively being ganged up against by all his friends then it's hardly going to have any other effect than worsening her behaviour. If indeed her behaviour is as bad as he is telling all his social group. Nobody knows do they?

"He isn't happy and tbh I don't think it's fair on her to have their relationship subjected to public scrutiny in this way if she isn't there to put her side of the story."

Agreed, I well always move conversation along and shut down any of my female friends who discuss abuse they've suffered unless they've brought their partner along to provide context

To be honest, it's kind of pointless speculating. We're now hearing this story third hand. It's possible that she does have a reason to be upset but the reaction is abusive due to emotional immaturity, desperation or just being manipulative. Or it's possible she's the type of genuine crazy person you see in true crime.

This has happened to me twice - both quite a long time ago, when we were in our 20s. Some people are just very insecure and jealous. Nothing to be done about it really. I ended up backing off the friendships to prevent causing difficulties which was sad but ultimately their choice not to maintain them.

Personally I couldn’t stay with someone like that. It’s a deeply unattractive quality and having a jealous partner who didn’t trust me would make me end the relationship. It sounds like he should too, but it’s his decision.

Now usually I'd agree with you, but given she's threatened to kill herself if he leaves her/continues to talk to OP (I forget the insane reasoning) I think it parks her squarely in the crazy and jealous category. I suspect it's not just the OP she takes issue with behind the scenes. You can't be threatening to off yourself regardless of the reason! It's pure manipulative abuse.

Also, why are there suggestions that he not talk to OP so he doesn't hurt this whackos feelings and "make" her more insecure? Are we looking out for the wellbeing of abusive nutjobs now? Insane.

Also to note - this is more of a general comment not just aimed at this particular poster.

I'm sorry but I feel if he is so unhappy he is sitting in tears talking to a whole group of people about his girlfriends behaviour then obviously it's time the relationship ended. He isn't happy and tbh I don't think it's fair on her to have their relationship subjected to public scrutiny in this way if she isn't there to put her side of the story.

I agree that is sounds like it's time for the relationship to end. But she's being abusive and it's not unfair of him to discuss that with his friends.

She sounds nuts for sure, however, there are plenty of women and men who aren't comfortable with their partners friendships with opposite sex people and I understand why.

But it sounds like OP and this man are just in the same mixed sex friendship group.

And as a friend, I'm not sure how much of this I could put up with. If it's this bad that she's threatening to kilo herself, and he's done nothing but he faithful - at 7 months in - just leave.

I agree with you @Everythingiscalmfornow

She sounds like she has some attachment issues, hence the drama. However, I'm highly sceptical whenever a male goes moaning about his partner to a female friend because;

You won't be getting the full picture. There's usually more to it than she's crazy and jealous for absolutely no reason.

Him confiding in you is feeding into the jealousy, and reaffirming her beliefs (whether they're true or not)

Nope, she is abusive. Nothing about her behaviour is OK and this is victim-blaming bullshit.

She sounds nuts for sure, however, there are plenty of women and men who aren't comfortable with their partners friendships with opposite sex people and I understand why. Me and my husband don't do 'friends' like that. Work is work but outside of work the few friends we have that are opposite sex come over to the house to visit or we'll be over at theirs with a group of people- never alone. It's not something we ever explicitly agreed it just naturally happened as we became more serious with each other. It wouldn't work for everyone but it works for us as a sign of respect for each other. If I were you I would back off from him a bit and let him know that you are here if you need him but give him time to realise how crackers this one is on his own.

It's clear to me he is in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't be backing off him and standing firm beside him whilst he decides what he wants to do. I would absolutely be there as a listening ear for him and help support him.

What have the other friends done to support him? Is he getting good advice from them? Does it seem like he'll end the relationship soon?

Quite honestly I'd just be there on the sidelines quietly supporting him with the others and bollocks to the gf - she's been there all of 5 minutes and creating massive issues. I doubt anyone particularly likes her.

Well if you put the fact he told a whole group of people in one of your posts I'm really sorry I missed that. I was under the impression he told you on a one to one basis.
I'm sorry but I feel if he is so unhappy he is sitting in tears talking to a whole group of people about his girlfriends behaviour then obviously it's time the relationship ended. He isn't happy and tbh I don't think it's fair on her to have their relationship subjected to public scrutiny in this way if she isn't there to put her side of the story.

There is nothing you can do except be there when it all goes wrong, if she is as she sounds then I would be questioning his judgement and maybe suggest making better choices next time

It appears she has issues but it is nothing to do with you

I was a young single mum for a number of years and other women treated me like I was the devil and definitely out to steal their men. There is an assumption that single mums are on the hunt for a man and, particularly, their man.

Funnily enough, when I settled down with my now DH, they all wanted to be my friend again.

I've had this happen to me, multiple times. Too many to just be coincidence. Friend who is a guy, girlfriend gets particularly insecure about me and my mere existence causes arguments between them. I'd then hear about it from the male friend.

I ended up with a theory about it. I'm not a particularly attractive women, I'd be the ugliest girl friend these guys would have a lot of the time, yet I was the one the partners would be insecure about... I wondered if the girlfriends got insecure because they assumed me being friendly with their boyfriend was me being desperate, and trying to be with him or something?

Obviously i wasn't trying to get with any of them (have never had too much trouble dating for myself, actually!), but maybe the girlfriends viewed my interest in their boyfriends that way instead of as friendship? Maybe they viewed me as someone with few options besides being a snake because of my looks.

In the end I realised that whatever the reason, life is just a lot calmer if I pulled away from any male friends this happened with. I don't want to upset another woman, and I don't like the drama. Leave them to sort it.

Thankfully doesn't happen at all anymore after 30. This was more teenage/20s stuff.

Very frustrating situation for you, but there's not much you can do, particularly if he decides to carry on with his relationship on this basis. Be there for him as far as realistically possible, I guess.

Yes of course OP's friend should be able to confide in friends about his relationship. Everyone should have that right.
But if it is OP who is the source of the girlfriend's anxiety it doesn't seem appropriate to chose her as his confidente. Telling her all the things his girlfriend thinks about his relationship to OP. A breach of confidence. He is reinforcing the perception that he and OP are very emotionally close to the exclusion of his girlfriend.
Surely his confidente about his relationship should be a third party. Someone objective. He is feeding the perception that OP is more than just a casual friend.

Her behaviour is abusive. I think there's a fine line between what aspects of one's relationship is appropriate to talk about with friends or not. Sometimes people need advice on their relationship and their friends are the obvious people to ask! Certainly when someone has found themselves in a controlling and abusive relationship, they should absolutely reach out to their friends. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

OP it is a very concerning situation. She's displayed very controlling and manipulative behaviour, and this is only the stuff he's told you about! He seems to have some awareness that it isn't right, but it doesn't sound like he's planning on ending things.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do. Depending on how close you are, you could gently bring up that you have some concerns about the relationship, but when taking this approach you have to be very careful not to be too critical of the abuser. Otherwise, you just have to let him realise in his own time.