Friend's controlling girlfriend

I have a friend who male, gorgeous and very nearly young enough to be my child. I am old and fat and happily married and STILL some of his girlfriends have been jealous of me. It isn't about what you do, it's a thing with them.

Absolutely this. Some of my male friends have been in my life for more than 30 years. I’d be far poorer in my life if I let their relationship status determine my friendships.

I've experienced it as well - I've always had mixed friendship groups and some of my best friends are men. I've never changed my behaviour, backed off from the friendship, or really given much heedance if my/their partners object to my platonic friendship with people I've known for years.

It's up to him to decide whether he'd like to continue in his miserable relationship, and not necessaey for you to change anything you're currently doing. If it's a deal breaker for her then she can jog on.

This happened to me recently, or at least I’m pretty sure it did. Friend got together with someone who had rather cruelly messed him around romantically in the past and the relationship progressed very quickly. They spent almost all their free time together. There were quite a few glaring red flags on her part but I didn’t say anything. He asked if I’d be up for going out as a trio, I said yes. Shortly afterwards we were chatting on WhatsApp and he ghosted me mid-conversation. I haven’t heard from him for months. Maybe I’m wrong and he just got bored of me but based on what he’d told me about her, I suspect she didn’t like him meeting me.

While I think it’s good for your friend to open up to people about this (and clearly he is being abused) I think it’s unfair to discuss it with you. Fair enough if he was saying ‘I’m really sorry but X doesn’t want me seeing you anymore so I won’t be able to meet from now on’, but he’s going to carry on seeing her, and you, regardless. What are you supposed to do with that information? What does he expect you to say? He’s involved you unnecessarily in the drama.

In my experience of people in abusive relationships, and from being in them myself, they just have to run their course. Yes you can point out that they’re being abused and offer practical help and signpost, but beyond that there’s not much you can do or say to make someone see sense. He has other support so backing off sounds like the right decision.

Yes I had this. I'd been friends with a guy for about 7 years and then I set him up with the GF who had been a friend of mine. Suddenly I became some sort of sex obsessed threat to their existence and they were both convinced I was after him, despite never having shown any interest in him.

I lost the whole friendship group we were in and when they broke up a few years later, she sent me a batshit message lamenting me for not checking in on her post breakup and that made me a bad friend - I hadn't spoken to her in years at this point and when I pointed this out this she told me I was just jealous because I was too fat for men to like me!

He refused to speak to me whenever I bumped into him for years afterwards then went through a phase of contacting me on every medium possible, but wanted me to apologise before he would explain what he wanted.

Naturally I told him to shove it. Batshit the pair of them.

His relationship is none of your business and you can't control what his GF chooses to make an issue about in their private exchanges. Only he can do that by finishing with her if he isn't happy. He should really not have caused you discomfort by telling you all of this. Very inappropriate to 'confide' in the innocent subject of their argument when clearly he has multiple other options if he needs to share.
I really dislike when people triangulate like this. He is basically using you to say "Oh how awful, poor you!" knowing you're going to be particularly receptive because it's about you. Its also an appeal to your vanity that you are a threat.
Don't allow yourself yo be used this way. Tell him it's really not appropriate to bring you into it, and that you hope he manages to resolve it. If she's that bad, he knows what to do.

My default is usually to take the woman's side. But there are some serious red flags in her behaviour here and based on what you're saying, it's not a man lying but this behaviour is being seen, in person, by lots of people.

She is clearly very jealous and insecure. As the single female friend, you are therefore the target of her ire but more likely this will increase and your male friend will quickly find that she doesn't like him going to the gym (too many hot girls), out with the lads (if you get drunk and land up getting a lap dance), spending time with family (they don't like me, how can you choose them over me) etc etc.

The suicide threat is absolutely 100% completely OTT and wrong and a HUGE red flag. Frankly, even if your friend is a complete dick, that wouldn't make her behaviour okay.

your friend needs to get out now, while he can. Unfortunately, people with this sort of narcissistic tendency are very very good at getting their claws into people and the chances are he won't.

I think there is a type of person male or female who has never had opposite sex friends and who genuinely cannot understand them. They only give someone their time when attraction is involved which to me seems very narrow minded but it's common, I've seen it countless times here on MN too. So in GF head he can only possibly be talking to you because he is attracted to you and he will also have to break any other female friendships off. Its up to him but this is major red flags, I hope he leaves her really soon.

Just stay out of it, he has a group of friends supporting him, he'll figure it out (or not!) but either way, it makes you uncomfortable and presumably you don't want the drama

@SallyWD I know what you mean. But in this particular case it was the right decision. I wouldn't do it for someone unless they were my life partner. But the friend in question had quite a few negative traits and wasn't actually all that good for me anyway. He was a bit of a narcissist.
Of course noone should be coerced into breaking off friendships by someone. It just so happened this was the right thing to do.

Not sure this is a healthy attitude at all. I've always had male friends and DH has never expressed any concerns. If he ever asked me to stop seeing a male friend, I'd seriously reconsider our relationship!

I understand why you would want to stay away from group nights out when you know she will be there but while you’re missing out you will probably also be fuelling her belief that something is going on between you. She might convince herself that you stayed away because you can’t bear to see them together or trust yourself to keep your hands off him.🙄

If that’s possible, don’t miss out because of her.

OP heard it first hand tbf.

Yes I agree with that: if we heard the story directly from him that would be totally different.
Instead we are hearing from OP who heard his story second hand.
Also OP has an axe to grind in that she clearly thinks her friend should put his friendship with her before his relationship.

So we are not getting first hand information and the information we are getting it from is not an impartial conduit.

Sounds like my sons ex but she was much worse.

Meh, it'll have to an agree to disagree on this one.

As I seem to have ended up in the position of defending the girlfriend, which wasn't really my intention, i would like to add: the impression I get is a group of established friends are not wanting to admit someone who they see as a newcomer into their group. That OP and the rest of the group would like to see the back of the girlfriend as life was better for them when she wasn't on the scene. So again seeing it from her side perhaps she has valid reason for not being happy about his social life if she has always felt excluded.
But this is pure conjecture as I know nothing about the situation really. Just an impression gained from the thread.

Well I think sitting in groups complaining about men is one thing. Giving intimate details of your relationship to a group of people to examine I think is wrong and disloyal to the other person in the relationship , whatever the sex.
Then we have this situation where someone in the group passes on what they have heard as gospel truth, even though they have no way of knowing if it is, to a group of strangers. Albeit on an anonymous forum. We have on this thread pp calling the girlfriend abusive, controlling, " a wacko" as a result of this guy sitting talking to his friends about his relationship and the story, as OP heard it, being posted on here. She knows about the relationship second hand, from one side. People here are hearing it third hand and know even less about the veracity of what he said.
So to repeat myself yes, confide in someone. But to make your relationship and your girlfriend a subject of what is basically gossip is not a good look.

They are to be distanced from and looked at with suspicion because we "don't have the full story from his partners side".

It's a bit more nuanced than that. There are two sides to the story, there may be more that explains her upset.

That doesn't mean that threatening to kill yourself isn't abusive. And it doesn't mean that he can't talk to anyone. Enough with the hyperbole.

Had the fella come directly here and written the OP to us himself, it would be different.

I think probably you are prettier than her and she is projecting all her many insecurities onto you

Assuming nothing has ever happened?
My ex had a 'just a friend' that he texted all the time then told me a year later that we're fuck buddies for months at one point until she got a boyfriend. Didn't understand how I thought that was different and he should have told me and shouldn't be texting her so intimately, it was me being jealous and insecure.' My situation sounds different to you though but just double checking!

The threats to kill her self - he shouldn't call her mother and /or the emergency services EVERY time

Ah but this is a man. When men are abused they are not to talk to other people about their problems, not to be "performative" or cry about being in an abusive situation. They are to be distanced from and looked at with suspicion because we "don't have the full story from his partners side".

Funny how we advocate for women to speak up about abuse, be there for those women who we suspect are being abused (even when we only have her side) and to never shame a woman for how she presents because - abuse.

Not long ago there was a thread where the OP was ripped to shreds for wanting to ignore a womans cry for help for being abused because she didn't know the woman well and didn't know if what she was saying was true. The disgust from most of the posters that she dared not believe this poor woman and not invite her over for tea so she had a safe space was running riot.

Such hypocrites.

@HoarseSoprano I hear you. I dropped this friendship when I had been with my DP for 10 years already. I wouldn't drop friendships for casual dates/ flings etc!

You have a good friend there, OP. Several platonic male friends have dropped me and other females in our friendship group because their new girlfriend didn’t like us being friends. Their girlfriends have said they were “scared of us” and they wouldn’t have sex with their boyfriends while we were still friends with them.

I’ve been with DH for 30 years, very happily, but I wasn’t to know that when I first started seeing him. If I’d dumped longterm male friendships that predated him as soon as he and I got together, it’s perfectly possible I’d have ended good friendships for a passing fling. Also, it’s not like there’s one sole ‘male spot’ in my life.