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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is neglectful parenting?

159 replies

MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 17:51

My 2 year old sleeps at her dad's house every other weekend. She has absolutely no routine there, is allowed to stay up until whatever time she wants and often misses nap times. Her mealtimes are also all over the place. I know this because my ex has told me that he struggles to stick to the routine I have in place for her when she's with me, as he "cannot force her to sleep when she doesn't want to"

When my ex dropped DD off last night, I asked him about how her day was. He then proceeded to proudly tell me he let her "sleep in until 12pm" and she didn't have a bath until 1pm. Meaning that by the time my child got ready for the day she had been in the same nappy since the evening before and had already missed breakfast and lunchtime.

I do not want my DD to go back there because I believe he is being a neglectful parent. I need some outside opinions as I've thought about it too much and am now questioning if this is a dramatic response.

OP posts:
bfsham · 17/06/2024 18:57

xyz111 · 17/06/2024 18:50

He'll soon learn to put her to bed earlier when she's overtired and seriously grumpy the next day like my 6yo DS is 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's not him dealing with that fallout though, it's OP 😢

ForestForever · 17/06/2024 18:56

MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 18:52

Thank you! Thought I was going crazy after reading all these responses

I could not believe what I was reading either! Apparently there are people who genuinely believe by your Ex DP’s standards that you only need to change your baby twice a day. I’m sure mothers everywhere will be delighted at the money they will save on nappies and wipes. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Morons everywhere sadly. It’s a good thing your DD has you as the resident parent. Poor child would be in all sorts of trouble if anything happened to you and he had to be in he main carer. Genuinely, best of luck to you OP. I hope you can get things sorted.

LutonBeds · 17/06/2024 18:56

If he was abusive to you maybe he’s lying to try and get a reaction? I’d just smile and a “that’s nice”. Obviously if she’s in pain from nappy rash or anything then you may have to rethink that approach.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/06/2024 18:53

, if she slept that late, what time did she go to bed?

itsmylife7 · 17/06/2024 18:53

It is indeed lazy parenting but you can't withhold him having her for this.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/06/2024 18:53

I wouldn't necessarily expect him to follow your exact routine but I'd expect him to follow a reasonably age appropriate routine regarding sleep and meals. There's worse examples of neglect but this is still piss poor.

MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 18:52

ForestForever · 17/06/2024 18:48

Sorry but if this was a man saying this about a woman and that she parented like this every day there would be no way people would harp on about “different parenting styles”. People would be saying how lazy and neglectful she was. Missing two meal times because he can’t be bothered to put her to bed at a half reasonable hour for her age and twelve hours or more in the same nappy is appalling. If she’s in a routine with you then he can get her into a routine at his place as well. Lazy, shit parenting on his behalf that totally undermines the hard work and structured routine that you put it place. Sadly, I don’t think there’s much that can be done. Speak to the HV if you still have one and log your concerns and go from there.

Thank you! Thought I was going crazy after reading all these responses

OP posts:
xyz111 · 17/06/2024 18:50

He'll soon learn to put her to bed earlier when she's overtired and seriously grumpy the next day like my 6yo DS is 🤦🏻‍♀️

longapple · 17/06/2024 18:50

TootGoesTheOwl · 17/06/2024 18:26

This!
I have never heard of a 2 year old that would sleep so late. Even if mine went to bed extremely late they would still be up with the larks for their breakfast.
Just a thought, I don't suppose your ex smokes weed/drinks heavily by any chance?

Mine would.
If we had a family event we'd let him have a long nap in the afternoon then he'd stay up late and he'd sleep in late. As long as we didn't let him nap the next day he'd be in bed at normal time again that night. Some kids are able to be more flexible about sleep then others.

ForestForever · 17/06/2024 18:48

Sorry but if this was a man saying this about a woman and that she parented like this every day there would be no way people would harp on about “different parenting styles”. People would be saying how lazy and neglectful she was. Missing two meal times because he can’t be bothered to put her to bed at a half reasonable hour for her age and twelve hours or more in the same nappy is appalling. If she’s in a routine with you then he can get her into a routine at his place as well. Lazy, shit parenting on his behalf that totally undermines the hard work and structured routine that you put it place. Sadly, I don’t think there’s much that can be done. Speak to the HV if you still have one and log your concerns and go from there.

fieldsofbutterflies · 17/06/2024 18:48

While it's not ideal, it's also not neglect. There's no law that says children have to sleep, eat and have baths at specific times.

MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 18:47

Maybe neglectful was the wrong word, but I don't think this is a case of "a different approach to parenting"... I think it is completely lazy parenting to not bother to even attempt to have a routine for your toddler. Shocked that many of you don't agree tbh, but thanks for your opinions nonetheless

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 17/06/2024 18:47

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MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 18:45

Always28 · 17/06/2024 18:42

I would be really unhappy about a complete lack of structure and not working with you to keep at some routines etc the same. It’s so difficult and one of the hardest things about no longer being in a relationship with your child’s other parent. You have to really let go of control and it can be heartbreaking.

i would say to keep an eye on things, see how it goes for a while and keep communicating with him if you can and hopefully things will settle down. If he’s showing your child love and keeping her safe, they really are good things too and her having a positive relationship with both parents is so good for her.

Does he live on his own? Does she have a bedroom at his place? Does he have any family nearby supporting him at all?

Thank you for your kind, understanding response.

He lives with his mom and no, she doesn't have a bedroom. I have no idea where she sleeps.

OP posts:
CelesteCunningham · 17/06/2024 18:43

JanglyBeads · 17/06/2024 18:39

Oh if only every woman who ends up a single parent had given proper thought to with whom she procreated Hmm

Always the woman's fault.

OP it's not good parenting and it's not the parenting I'd want for my DC, so you have my sympathies but it doesn't sound neglectful.

Meadowfinch · 17/06/2024 18:43

Does your dd have nappy rash? Is there any sign of physical neglect, or does he just have a different approach to parenting.

Is she happy, fed and clothed?

I don't see any reason for withholding contact.

Knitgoodwoman · 17/06/2024 18:42

The bar for dads is so bloody low isn’t it? Sorry op, not acceptable.

Always28 · 17/06/2024 18:42

I would be really unhappy about a complete lack of structure and not working with you to keep at some routines etc the same. It’s so difficult and one of the hardest things about no longer being in a relationship with your child’s other parent. You have to really let go of control and it can be heartbreaking.

i would say to keep an eye on things, see how it goes for a while and keep communicating with him if you can and hopefully things will settle down. If he’s showing your child love and keeping her safe, they really are good things too and her having a positive relationship with both parents is so good for her.

Does he live on his own? Does she have a bedroom at his place? Does he have any family nearby supporting him at all?

LordSnot · 17/06/2024 18:40

That's nowhere near enough for a court to stop access. So you can withhold contact but if he takes it to court, you'll be ordered to make her available for contact with him at least every other weekend.

sleekcat · 17/06/2024 18:39

I would wonder what time she went to bed to end up getting up at 12pm. Also if she went to bed so late how did she manage to stay awake unless he let her nap in the evening. Mine just used to fall asleep wherever they were if they were ready for bed.
It's not really neglectful parenting as such but it's not very thoughtful if it ends up upsetting her.

JanglyBeads · 17/06/2024 18:39

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Oh if only every woman who ends up a single parent had given proper thought to with whom she procreated Hmm

TomatoSandwiches · 17/06/2024 18:38

It's shit but I don't think it would be enough to justify to a court why you stopped contact.

Lillieloola · 17/06/2024 18:37

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Judgemental and rude !

MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 18:35

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Sorry, didn't have a crystal ball to tell me that my long term partner would become abusive and leave me mid pregnancy. 🙃

People like you are really ignorant.

OP posts:
MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 18:33

Thanks all for responses

OP posts:
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