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AIBU?

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Missed Dads Birthday

57 replies

Dairymilkspyglass · 17/06/2024 13:32

Older kids (late 20s) have all moved out and have busy lives. All have retained their own key to the family home, all drive and are welcome any time. They keep in touch, text, call every now and again. Dad sends messages every day as they are usually too busy to take calls.
It's been a while since we had any visits. We have traversed over the country visiting in the past, however, DH has been unwell for a while now and is unable to drive (I don't drive).
DH birthday on fathers day. He had a brief text from all of them with well wishes for both. The day passed fairly uneventfully, DH opened the gifts our younger children gave him and we spent the day with friends.
This morning he spoke about how unhappy he was that our older children are happy to receive gifts, cash, visits from us, but very rarely reciprocate. I could see he was upset, so I found myself making excuses for them, and suggested maybe we were at fault for having an open invitation as opposed to specifically inviting them around.
Am I being unreasonable to think it wouldn't have taken them much effort to put a card in the post or contribute a couple of quid each to gift him a present? Or should I have to prompt and specifically invite in order to ensure DH is acknowledged?

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 17/06/2024 13:43

Roundroundthegarden · 17/06/2024 13:35

Yanbu, they are happy to take but not give. Definitely call them out on it. No excuses for adults doing this.

Yes call them out on it, and have world War 3 break out. Is it worth it.
Once a row has happened, it could potentially be the end of the relationship.
Perhaps just text them on their birthdays and if they say anything op, saying I thought it was texts we were doing now.
In the meantime you could invite them round on a specific day and see if they will come.
I wouldn't keep chasing them though.
Nobody is worth upsetting your mental wellbeing for.

ByCupidStunt · 17/06/2024 13:40

Have they ever acknowledged his birthday without being prompted by you? People generally have to be taught and shown how to do this.

NamechangeMay24 · 17/06/2024 13:39

You should definitely not take on the responsibility for ‘prompting’ them. That is just giving yourself another job that they won’t be grateful for!

However, someone (DH or you) should talk to them about how this is upsetting for him.

Visiting/inviting is tricky and I am on the fence. If you want them round, invite them. But also make it clear they are welcome to drop in, and also if they say no to an invitation don’t make a big deal out of it.

Roundroundthegarden · 17/06/2024 13:35

Yanbu, they are happy to take but not give. Definitely call them out on it. No excuses for adults doing this.

Mee5ha · 17/06/2024 13:35

They sound selfish

PassingStranger · 17/06/2024 13:35

A card from them for his bday would have been nice. A text isn't much effort. Ask them if that's what they want to do now. If so are they happy to get a text on their birthday?

craigth162 · 17/06/2024 13:34

Yanbu and yiur older children sound selfish. Either have a word with them or maybe stop all bday etc gifts to them. If they ask why say since they got nothing for father you assumed no gifts for adults

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