Missed Dads Birthday

I think calmly have a chat (maybe with the most organised/responsive one) and explain your husband is upset and that when they were younger/lived at home they would've got him something but now haven't, and haven't visited whilst his health is not good. I imagine if they'd been very dutiful and visited often, then actually this wouldn't be as big a deal, but perhaps it is the straw that broke the camels back. At least they remembered and sent a text, they probably feel its enough. I disagree with everyone saying "treat them the same and stop giving gifts" yes they are adults but I'm guessing young adults, brains don't fully form until they're 25 and I always think parents are "the grown ups". Calmly explain the impact of their behaviour the way you would to any one of your children but don't "punish" them or you'll come across as petty and the relationship will become even worse which I'm assuming you don't want.
My brother was like this to my parents in his early 20s, he grew out of it, young adults are pretty selfish generally, and busy with other things. It's not great but I'm sure it won't reflect how they treat him forever!

Gift giving is entirely down to each person

I give gifts, I don't expect the person to give me one in response

I don't give to recieve. I give because spoiling people is part of my "love language"

YANBU , you need to speak to them and explain that their dad feels a bit upset about it and that you would as well . Incidentally do they buy for your birthday / Mother’s Day / siblings birthday ? Gift giving is not a one way street once children are grown and have their own income .

It’s shitty behaviour
I dont send cards as a rule anymore but my mother loved a card so my sister and I ensured to send cards to her for all the special occasions
is it really too much to expect a card and a phone call from adult children? I think not!

Hi OP,

They should absolutely be bothered. A text doesn’t cut it at all. If time off isn’t possible in the day, surely they can come before or after.

if I were you, I would voice MY disappointment (not DH’s) to them and let them know that they won’t be receiving more than they are willing to give if they don’t act better next time. Life crisis happens so of course it all depends but surely, not all of them in the same time. If they all are in difficulty, then it is your DH that should reevaluate his expectations.

that must have been hurtful for DH.

hope you guys keep ok 👌🏼

They need to be told their father is upset.
Please OP don’t make excuses for them.

Could the younger kids maybe pass on a message that he was annoyed. Not sure of ages, I sometimes have to remind my brother about things and keep him in line 🤣🤣

It is not hard to send a card in the post, they could have gone on Moonpig. With all the online options there is no excuse. If money is an issue then they could still afford a card and a stamp and explain they have no money for a gift.
My older parents do not like big gifts as they have all they need but I always get something and always arrange to spend time with them on special days. Think it is so sad to see parents forgotten about by kids and not treated right by their children 🥲

I think it's hard to say if they are unreasonable. They definitely didn't forget, they texted wishing him a happy birtday and fathers day. I have kids in their 20s and they wouldn't think to send a card, but they would probably call or come over, but they are local so it's easier. The main thing is that perhaps the kids aren't as close to their parents and therefore feels a text is sufficient. You also can't hold it against them that you give them presents and go and see them. That's nice of you but it doesn't mean that they have to reciprocate and that they are bad people if they don't.

They didn't FORGET

They sent, like a lot of people their age, a text. OP's DH is upset it wasn't a call or card

Don't make excuses for them, it won't make your husband feel better.

There is no excuse for them not remembering his birthday.

He's been a good Dad and this is how they repay him.

I used to travel on buses with 2 young children to visit my parents on their birthday, or send a birthday card and phone call.

so they cant even be botered to visit knowing he cant drive an coulnt even be botered with a card

As a 32 year old with siblings about my
age (but with kids, which I don’t think your children have) I think it’s awful they forgot. He won’t want to reach out to them himself and I think you muting his feelings and making excuses for them isn’t great. You need to tell him you understand why he’s upset and reach out to the kids to say that you’d (not he) would appreciate if they made more effort on his birthday because he didn’t receive a card, gift or even phone call from them and how would they feel if he did the same? They are adults that clearly need to be told these things - I am usually the one reminding my siblings at times but if none of the older ones do then you have to for his sake. He can do the same if they forget yours and if they don’t imagine how YOU would feel. We always come together for my dad’s birthday and Father’s Day etc and if they don’t have kids of their own or partners they’re fitting in (eg other parents) then on FD there is no excuse.

I’m inclined to say this is incredibly unkind of them. I am grown up, with two young children of my own, and a very stressful and demanding job.
But you only get one dad.He’s not great at communication, but we do watsapp every few days, and I would be ashamed to not ensure he had a birthday/Xmas/Father’s Day card and gift. He lives about 30 mins away, so if these days fall on a weekend, I would ensure I saw him.
I would be very blunt and explain you know they are busy, but it’s not on.

Either tell them that’s not acceptable and they need to do better. Or tell them that’s all their getting when it comes round to their birthdays!!!

Three things here - birthday, father's day and unwell. If your adult children are too selfish and uncaring to send a card or at the very least spare a few minutes to call their father they wouldn't get anything more from me. No-one's too busy to Moonpig a card. Maybe it annoys them that their dad messages every day? Maybe they assume as he does that they don't need to? Perhaps he should just leave them to it as they clearly aren't bothered about him. Sympathies to you both for what amounts to a slap in the face for generous and supportive parents.

I actually think that’s shocking. I have two DC’s in their 20’s and since the age of about 10 they have always remembered birthdays, Father’s Day etc and sorted out a card and present.
I would actually tell them how upset your DH is; they are old enough now to stop taking you for granted.

Ask them if that's all they want for their birthdays. Some people genuinely don't like fuss

Just invite them all round for a lovely meal whats wrong with that? Keep the family connections going.

I think calmly telling them that it was upsetting is less likely to cause an issue than your idea

I have to admit, now I’m in my late 20s I would prefer we didn’t give gifts amongst adults. I just find it quite pointless! I am always grateful for receiving gifts and I do reciprocate to close family. We are all adults now though so it’s a right faff. I give vouchers for high end restaurants or hotels so it’s an experience rather than simply a gift but they could pay for it themselves and vice versa so I don’t see the point.

My mum is sentimental so I always send her a card for any and all occasions. I only send a Father’s Day card and birthday card for my dad. Me and my husband don’t send cards/ buy gifts for each other because we both see no value in buying each other things for the sake of it and giving each other a card that will end up in landfill 😂

All that said, a simple phone call wouldn’t have gone a miss. That is just rude. My opinion on celebrations is just that, and I still respect how sentimental my mum is so always celebrate with her. My dad less so but I would never not speak to him at all. I would have a discussion with your children about this because like me, they might just be more laid back about celebrations, and hopefully, they’ve just missed the memo on how important they are to your husband! In which case, speaking to them could resolve that as I’m sure they’d feel awful for upsetting him!

Don't feel guilty, OP, their lack of thought is not your fault. Are they always like this? Could be just that, a lack of thought, not some bad faith, but either way their behaviour around dad's birthday wasn't nice. Sending a text feels like a cop out, I get not sending a card as people in their 20s don't really do that, but a smartshow 3d video would be nice and very modern!
I think talking to them is important, but if they show no sign of being sorry, then stop with gifts from your side from now on. If they think sending texts is enough for birthdays, then so be it.

Sending cards is rapidly becoming "unfashionable" which is why places like Clinton's are closing. A lot of younger people prefer to send (and indeed receive) a text for various reasons including its cheaper and they don't have spare cash, its more environmentally friendly, they don't want to/have space for putting cards up... them sending a text is them acknowledging it

And they might then bring a gift the next time they actually can visit (cheaper again and maybe don't trust the post ect)

They keep in touch. Try doing the whole "Hey, it's my birthday on Saturday so I thought it would be nice if we had a BBQ/went for a meal at X/went to X location..." if you want them to come around. Just popping in also isn't fashionable anymore

Your husband is right - it's really bad form to happily accept gifts and congratulations, but never reciprocate. I also think it's bad form to not make an effort with parents (provided there's a good relationship) on things like birthdays. It's such a cop-out to use "life's busy" as an excuse to neglect your loved ones, or to coward out of making an effort with them. It's lazy, selfish and rude. Plus, sorry to say, but work, hobbies, spouses, children, etc. doesn't ALWAYS trump EVERYTHING else in life.

On the other hand, it might be worth it to issue actual invitations to your children to see if that makes a difference in how often they visit you.

I would also stop with the gift giving until the children initiate that they'd like to exchange gifts. It's not really about the gifts, but about a two way street of making an effort and being thoughtful.

Do people in their 20s and below even send cards any more? They do however sound a bit selfish. Maybe suggest to them that they could have made the effort to call. Even if they do know they’re welcome it might be nice to actually invite them sometimes so they feel like you want them there.

I think young adults are a bit wrapped up in their own lives and we have all been guilty of taking our parents for granted (not acceptable). Maybe it is time to set new traditions for birthdays and other occasions and you lead the way. Invite them for Sunday dinner or do something together for your birthday. Make them aware after that you really enjoyed seeing them. Sometimes it isn't being mean but just a lack of thought.

I can see why your DH is upset and think that's fair enough.

I think some people that age can be a bit overwhelmed/ disorganised with their own lives and perhaps need a bit of prompting (not that you should have to but might make life easier). I would suggest putting some events in the calendar to encourage coming home (e.g a family BBQ) and maybe text 2 weeks before birthdays etc. to remind about cards/ presents.

We always text FIL now as he's forgotten MIL"s birthday twice 🙈