Missed Dads Birthday

I'm guilty of this myself. I feel terrible about it, my mum litterally called me out on it and she's absolutely right. Made no difference though I still messed up this year aswell. I'm just so unorganised it's unreal my life is super busy but my parents do so much to help me next year I need to make a real effort

This mobile phone generation seem to think it is ok to do everything via txt but it seems lazy/minimal effort to for their Dad's birthday combined with father's day..

I have the same issue with my DS, 27 and 30, breaks my heart. I don't ask for much and constantly wonder what I did that was so wrong they just don't seem to care and YES I know they lead busy lives. So you are definitely not unreasonable

Send them a quick text saying 'Hope you haven't forgot to send Dads card in the post as it's not arrived yet' See what they come back with. If they aren't sending cards or gifts then stop doing it for them & see what their reactions are. Then explain that you thought gift giving wasn't a thing anymore as they'd not bought for Dad.

I do think birthday cards will soon be a thing of the past, but a gift and a phone call if not a visit or plan for an upcoming visit or get together is would've been nice!

Oh do fuck off with saying how people will be acting when you don't know them

Cards are wasteful in many ways. They are often non-recyclable, posting them has a CO2 footprint, they end up in the bin ...

Why is writing "To Dad, Love Son xx" in a preprinted card more effort than "Hi Dad. Happy Father's Day. And Happy Birthday, have a lovely day. Love Son xx"

My kids (M30 & M26) don't do cards. I do think there is a generation shift change in card sending. They think a text is enough.
I do get presents, sometimes it's a thing I've asked for and others it's a random surprise or flowers/wine.
Maybe a bit more effort on everyones part is needed to keep the family together instead of just expecting stuff to happen, actual invites specifically for Fathers day/birthdays!

It’s not wasteful at all. It’s putting more thought into something rather than sending a quick message whilst you’re on your phone anyway. They’ll be quick to notice if their card with money in doesn’t turn up!

oh, and do fuck off with the ‘do you know them’ comments.

"Your dad seemed a bit sad that nobody made a fuss of him on his birthday this year. Are we not even doing cards anymore son?"...

Just a straight question, nothing grumpy.

I'm not surprised he feels upset. It's not about the cards really is it, it's about feeling cared about. Or not in this case.

You and your husband sound like lovely people and I hope you find a way to communicate your feelings to your adult children.

But they did "acknowledge" him, just not in the way he (or I) would have preferred.

In my opinion, following your advice would probably lead to bad feeling and a worsening of the situation. It’s very sad about the man you heard on the radio, but I still think it’s probably just that some younger people always communicate with each other by text and do not realise how some older people feel about this. They should be told, but not in a confrontational way.

YANBU OP. I hate all this crap about young single adults living such busy lives that they can't acknowledge their parents on celebratory days. It really doesn't take much effort. I would be tempted to not contact them for a while. If they ask why you haven't been in touch I would just say I thought you would be too busy. I heard an elderly man on the radio recently saying his children only ever text and that he would just love to hear their voices. He was in tears as was I listening to him.

So you know them do you?

You know that it was because they couldn't be bothered and not because they thought sending a card was wasteful and they've got a gift to give him when they next see him?

Phone calls just aren't done any more.

I think your DH is being a bit of a baby tbh. They sent a text, which is what young people do. A phone call might have been nice, and I think you could call them out on that.

Gifts, ridiculous. Would be equally ridiculous if they are expecting gifts from you. Send a warm and cheery text wishing them a lovely day on the next adult child’s birthday and leave it at that.

as said, cards just arent on their radar
you probably should have issued an invitation, made plans, for them to come down.

But they also couldn’t be bothered!

YANBU but if they were my kids I would tell them.

Your husband is exactly right to be upset and disappointed in the entitled behaviour of your children. They accept gifts and a key to your home but can do no more than send a paltry text to your poorly husband which is supposed to cover both birthday and Father’s Day.
You could, of course, go down the route of reciprocity but this is not what you actually want so I personally would not. Unfortunately, your semi grown up children need retraining on what it means to be part of a loving and well functioning family. No need for drama, accusations or a row just let them know what you want for your husband. There is still time for them to visit and with a gift. A gift does not need to cost a great deal but maintaining relationships takes time and effort. The rewards for having a strong family network far outweigh this effort. I’m sure all the love given over the years will ensure your children want this too; they just need a nudge in the right direction.

Look - it all depends on family dynamics and expectation, as well as what everyone has going on in their life m. It’s fine to tell them dad was a bit upset you didn’t make more of an effort for his bday/Father’s Day. Are they in general selfish? You can also find a way to point this out if so. You are still parents and we need our parents to be real with us, from a place of love, as so few people are. BUT also, parent/child is an and should be an unequal exchange. You give they take; that’s the deal. They don’t owe you gratitude or reciprocity - and of course now they are grown you don’t owe them cash and support and goodwill. Anyway - my advice is be non confrontational and honest, don’t make it a ‘thing’ and if you feel used stop giving. (But don’t despair, plenty of people are still working things out through their 20s. Nora Ephron said 34 of when enough has shaken down that you’ll be able to tell if you did a good parenting job or not!)

Selfish behaviour id make a point and not buy them anything for their birthdays x

@Dairymilkspyglass that's bad crack, a text means nothing really. I'm 26, it's my dads birthday today, he has newly diagnose dementia and doesnt really know what's going on around him and isn't interested in much, I've still been round to see him, bought him a present and card and a Colin the Caterpillar cake. It's one day a year so no excuses really

YANBU but I would put it down to thoughtlessness rather than selfishness. Young people with busy lives and many interests often don’t realise how much older people care about things such as birthday cards or small gifts. It probably hasn’t occurred to them that you would like them to visit you rather than you just visiting them. Setting up a particular date for them to come is a good idea, as others have said.

By all means try to help them understand, but I would try to do it without making them feel guilty, which could just lead to resentment. Something like "It would be lovely if you could visit us sometimes, especially now Dad can’t drive" or "You know, I know we’re old-fashioned but Dad would really appreciate a proper card on his birthday" (though even that sounds rather accusatory). A thought: I might be wrong here, and every family is different, but him texting them all every day sounds a bit OTT to me. There’s no incentive for them to contact you or him to ask how he is if they’re already hearing from him every day.

Father's Day has never been a thing in our house, this year DH just had a card from our youngest daughter but it doesn't bother him. They all usually remember his birthday though only two of them will get him a present.

You are definitely not being unreasonable here and the older kids seem self centred. My DH is my daughters x2 step dad. Even before we married they used to get him birthday cards and Father's day cards, even while their own Father was still alive. They never needed prompting and the Grandchildren, now both late teens, remember him too. Perhaps a little prompt would be good.

You've just reminded me I haven't sent my mom a card for her birthday on Tuesday. She doesn't do email or text and it is impossible to get anything to her in time unless I Fedex some flowers or something. Oh puff!