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Original poster

To want to switch to every other weekend?

38 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 13:04

My current arrangement with ex is he has daughter every Tuesday night and drops her at childminder in the morning.

He then picks her up on a Friday night and brings her back Saturday evening. We fell into this arrangement after we split because I've always worked shifts that often included late Friday evening and Saturday day so it was convenient in that respect but I don't like never having my daughter all weekend and never being able to do anything social on a Saturday evening.

I'm changing jobs to be more 9-5 and no weekends so I floated the idea of every Tuesday and then every other weekend.

He's come back and basically said no because 'it won't be good for him or her' because they'll miss each other. I see it slightly differently in that there is less changing care givers for her and we each get longer, quality time.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
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stichguru · 19/07/2024 11:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable to change the patterns, but unless the court say otherwise, if your husband wants your daughter at least 50% of the week, including a full day at weekends, it is unreasonable to deny him that.

Chasingsquirrels · 17/06/2024 20:46

TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 19:39

I think we might go for something like this. I have just sent him a message to that effect but I think he's ignoring me 🙄

We have always been quite flexible for one off occasions so he's good in that respect. I would just like to be able to commit to stuff on a Saturday or Sunday sometimes without having to actually change arrangements and pick ups and make sure it's all fair etc.

Show quote history

Good luck, and give him time to reply - don't just think he is ignoring you, we all have stuff on.

Your DD is only 3 and you have YEARS of this ahead of you. Sometimes you'll just want to scream about having to share parenting, but that's life.

My "children" are now 18 and 21, and I think having the regular and frequent contact with both of us has been a positive for them.
My 18yo (just finishing Alevels) generally sticks to the same schedule we've had for years, but changes it around for his own needs. It is his dad's birthday this week, so he's decided to go for a couple of days midweek so he sees him on his birthday.

ProjectEdensGate · 17/06/2024 19:43

CandiedPrincess · 17/06/2024 13:53

Majority of people do EOW.

OP if it helps, why not offer him to have her every Tuesday, and then every Friday, but every other week she comes back to you Saturday AM, and then on the other weeks he has her all weekend.

I was going to suggest similar.

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 19:39

Chasingsquirrels · 17/06/2024 19:29

We had a similar arrangement, but alternated the weekends so it was Fri/Sat one week and Sat/Sun the next.

With the mid-week as well this arrangement meant that the children saw their dad for at least part of 4 days a week.
I saw them at least part of every day (excluding holidays).

I wanted to swap to every other weekend when the children were late primary mainly because split weeknds limited the potential to do weekends away etc, but he didn't agree as he didn't want to go the longer period without seeing them - which I could understand.

We agreed to keep the split weekends but have a weekend per half term each, so 4 or 5 split weekends and 1 full weekend each every half term, then school holidays were split 50/50.

The dates were planned in advance.

We have always been reasonably flexible in that if there was a specific reason we'd both be open to changing dates round.

I think we might go for something like this. I have just sent him a message to that effect but I think he's ignoring me 🙄

We have always been quite flexible for one off occasions so he's good in that respect. I would just like to be able to commit to stuff on a Saturday or Sunday sometimes without having to actually change arrangements and pick ups and make sure it's all fair etc.

OP posts:
BagFullOfNoodles · 17/06/2024 19:36

Week 1 Tues , Friday, Saturday nights
Week 2 Tues and Thurs nights
So he isn't going as long without seeing her

Chasingsquirrels · 17/06/2024 19:29

We had a similar arrangement, but alternated the weekends so it was Fri/Sat one week and Sat/Sun the next.

With the mid-week as well this arrangement meant that the children saw their dad for at least part of 4 days a week.
I saw them at least part of every day (excluding holidays).

I wanted to swap to every other weekend when the children were late primary mainly because split weeknds limited the potential to do weekends away etc, but he didn't agree as he didn't want to go the longer period without seeing them - which I could understand.

We agreed to keep the split weekends but have a weekend per half term each, so 4 or 5 split weekends and 1 full weekend each every half term, then school holidays were split 50/50.

The dates were planned in advance.

We have always been reasonably flexible in that if there was a specific reason we'd both be open to changing dates round.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/06/2024 19:24

I can see both sides and I don't think either of you is being unreasonable.

Would you consider giving him a second night in the week plus every second weekend?

5475878237NC · 17/06/2024 19:14

At her age just seeing him once a week isn't enough. Can you do two evenings on the week she isn't with him for the weekend?

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 19:07

BuggeryBumFlaps · 17/06/2024 18:56

If you're concerned about your dc going backwards and forwards you could always look at a 50/50 arrangement. One week on, one week off?

I think we'd all hate that and it wouldn't work as she's not in full time childcare (I'm PT at the moment) so he'd still be dropping her back with me or my mum two days a week.

OP posts:
BuggeryBumFlaps · 17/06/2024 18:56

If you're concerned about your dc going backwards and forwards you could always look at a 50/50 arrangement. One week on, one week off?

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 18:31

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:47

It might be fairly common but that doesn’t make it fair. Op is already reaping the benefits of having her daughter live with her most of the time. As a pp said, she needs to stop thinking about the dad’s access in terms of what benefits her best, and think of it in terms of what’s best for the child.

Show quote history

I am thinking of my daughter. At the moment I feel quite guilty that over the space of the week she goes between me, her dad, childminder and my mum and she does get quite unsettled sometimes.

She's better when she has longer with one person. He dropped her off early on Saturday because of plans made months ago and I definitely noticed a difference that evening/Sunday morning in that she just seemed more chilled having a bit more relaxed 'mum' time.

Same when he's had her for a full weekend, she loves it.

OP posts:
sterli2323 · 17/06/2024 16:23

Week 1 - Tuesday, Friday and Saturday.
Week 2 - Thursday
He then gets to see her every few days.

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 15:32

Thanks for all the replies. I can see both sides. What's irritating is he says 'we can talk about it' when he means we'll talk until he gets what he wants so it gets my back up even trying to talk to him because I always feel I'm being trampled on.

Plus he owes me money ATM so probably wasn't the best time to have the conversation.

Thanks for the ideas on how to compromise. Food for thought.

OP posts:
cardibach · 17/06/2024 14:48

CandiedPrincess · 17/06/2024 13:53

Majority of people do EOW.

OP if it helps, why not offer him to have her every Tuesday, and then every Friday, but every other week she comes back to you Saturday AM, and then on the other weeks he has her all weekend.

With this arrangement OP would never be able to take her child away for the weekend.

cardibach · 17/06/2024 14:47

Tbskejue · 17/06/2024 13:50

I think you need to suggest an extra night to make the time up as he’s going from 4 over a fortnight to three.

No he isn’t. He’d be going from every Tuesday and Friday to every Tuesday and every other Friday and Saturday. 4 mights over a fortnight.

FuzzyStripes · 17/06/2024 14:34

He helped you out to work around what suited you and the current arrangement now suits him, but you expect him to change again purely because you’d prefer it? I think you are BU but I also think there should be a compromise you can reach eg perhaps one weekend a month you take it in turns to have her the whole weekend.

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 14:32

ShowerOfShites · 17/06/2024 13:55

Age is pretty important here but you seem to have omitted it?

Is your DC old enough to have a say?

She's nearly 3

OP posts:
Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 14:32

cardibach · 17/06/2024 13:35

He wouldn’t be reducing it would he?
Still every Tuesday, the instead of Friday night every week, it would be Friday and Saturday night every two weeks. So 4 nights and 2 full days every two weeks - the same as now, but spread out differently. Unless it’s me that’s read it wrong.

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This is right. Same number of nights over two weeks.

OP posts:
ShowerOfShites · 17/06/2024 13:55

Age is pretty important here but you seem to have omitted it?

Is your DC old enough to have a say?

CandiedPrincess · 17/06/2024 13:53

Majority of people do EOW.

OP if it helps, why not offer him to have her every Tuesday, and then every Friday, but every other week she comes back to you Saturday AM, and then on the other weeks he has her all weekend.

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:52

user09876543 · 17/06/2024 13:51

Just alternate.

So week one he has her Friday night returning her Saturday evening, week 2 he has her saturday night returning her sunday evening.

That way he still gets to see her twice a week every week and you get every other saturday to do child free stuff.

I think this is the best solution.

PurpleBugz · 17/06/2024 13:52

Children have a right to quality time with both parents. This is why the every other weekend pattern is so common as family court mostly understands that having your child 5 days in the week with school and work etc isn't much quality time really.

Before you changed your work pattern did you have more time together in the week but now with working 9-5 you will be having less? If less you have a fair argument. If you are offering more weekdays to compensate for the loss of every other weekend it's fair as then the child gets quality time with both parents

user09876543 · 17/06/2024 13:51

Just alternate.

So week one he has her Friday night returning her Saturday evening, week 2 he has her saturday night returning her sunday evening.

That way he still gets to see her twice a week every week and you get every other saturday to do child free stuff.

Tbskejue · 17/06/2024 13:50

I think you need to suggest an extra night to make the time up as he’s going from 4 over a fortnight to three.

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:47

cardibach · 17/06/2024 13:44

It’s fairly common though - one night a week and every other weekend. It’s a pretty usual arrangement. It also means both parents can have a full weekend to go away with (or without) the child.

Show quote history

It might be fairly common but that doesn’t make it fair. Op is already reaping the benefits of having her daughter live with her most of the time. As a pp said, she needs to stop thinking about the dad’s access in terms of what benefits her best, and think of it in terms of what’s best for the child.