DH collections bringing me down.

This is who I'm picturing

Another vote for the Hoarder conclusion.

Hoarding isn't a thing people do to be unreasonable or annoying.

It's the tip of an iceberg that needs investigating. It can be a symptom of distress, the only way the hoarder feels they can be comfortable.

What was his childhood like? His parents?

He won't change because you want him to. It's part of his personality.

If you love him, and he's the good man and dad you'd want to be with, it may be a case of accepting the package.

Or if you can't bear it - and to be honest, it gets worse with age and subjecting another baby to it might not be wise - it may be time to consider how you want your next decades to be.

Similar husband here although less organised, no spreadsheets.
I don't care at all about our attic but his hobby collections fill all the 'spare' space in the house. We actually have a s.all spare room I want as a study but it's full of his stuff and so is the storage furniture I'd like to keep for guests.

He always says he's getting rid of some of it but that takes forever, or never happens.

He's gets very offended if I bring it up as he takes it as a rejection of him and his interests rather than a practical space issue. So frustrating.
It's only a bearable issue because we have spare space in the house but I would lobe to find an actual solution. He can't seem to stop identifying with the STUFF.

You say ‘collector’, I’d say ‘hoarder’.

It would be so irritating to me that I couldn’t tolerate it.

This will only get more weird and unbearable.

Cheaper than a 10-15k man cave…. Could he hire a self storage unit? Regard it as the cost of his hobby (so cost comes out of his personal spends or whatever you do) ? Or does he want to be able to look at his collections regularly ?

A hoarder is still a hoarder even if everything is neatly stored in boxes and meticulously logged with spreadsheets. This would drive me crazy. Is is worth anything? Is it insured, for example? Or is it just nostalgic tat? YANBU. Be REALLY strict with your boundaries and impress upon him that "your" things in the attic are actually shared, so you don't actually have half the space at all.

This is his hobby. It makes him happy, and your contempt for his hobby needs to be separated from the practical issues you raise, which are space and division of finances. These are prefectly reasonable considerations. You say he is a good husband and father - so work on how his hobby can be accommodated fairly.

You don't need to put an equal amount in the loft. Your hobby, whatever it is, does not take up space. He is wrong to suggest that stuff which isn't his is by default yours, but that is not the real issue.

So, put a reasonable limit on how much of the house he can have to store his collectibles. After that, it's one in, one out.

If you think he is not dividing up money fairly, address that, but it's up to him what he wants to spend his hobby money on, and he deserves your support, not your contempt.

I wouldn’t care too much about the stuff being in the loft because i don’t have much stuff and it’s out of the way up there. However, I’d be really pissed off if I was running the house and doing childcare and my DP (imaginary DP - I do not have one thank goodness🤣) was playing with his toys in the loft and keeping spreadsheets.

I’d also be thinking about how much all that stuff is worth and how much better off we’d be if he sold it on eBay!

@SerenityNowInsanityLater I feel you (and I love Call Tyrone.) My behaviour, following our split wasn't quite so extreme. I sold the valuable pieces and left the rest to rot in the shed until we finally agreed a method years later, to remove it. He could have picked it up at any time. His spending of family money on this shit pissed me off. I hear he's still doing it. His girlfriend's problem now 🤷‍♀️

I don't think I'd have a problem as long as there was still space to store whatever else need to be stored in the loft, and that everything was boxed up and stored neatly.

I honestly couldn't tell you what proportion of the loft is DH's stuff, what proportion of the loft is my stuff and what proportion of the loft is joint stuff.

I also think it's reasonable for him to have a selection of his things on display - with the caveat that they're kept neat and tidy and it's his job to clean/dust them.

I think all relationships are comprise to one level or another.

You have to learn to live with the bits of people that are less good. In this case what sounds like obsessive collection.

You see your house as a space for you to bring up your kids and don't want any compromises in that. He sees it as a place to store his stuff as well. I don't think either way of looking at it is right or wrong.

I would consider whether or not the 15k for the man cave would be a small price to pay for saving your relationship. You could tell him all his stuff including the stuff in the loft has to go in there, and what he does in there is his business. But the house is not for collecting stuff. That way the house can be kept free of his stuff and you don't have to concern yourself with what happens outside. He gets to do what he wants with that space and if he wants to fill it with tat that is his business. It also is an easier way to put a red line between his collection and the living space.

I think the biggest issue you have is that he is probably not going to stop collecting stuff. This is part of who he is. So the loft is going to get more and more filled with stuff and you are going to get more and more irate unless you can move his stuff into a physically separate space.

Is he diagnosed with autism?

If that's aimed at me, you're entirely missing my point.

I think it was the manky old football boots the PP thought he should dump - not the Hot Wheels models!

Yeah, but that's only relevant to the OP if her DH is prepared to sell them! Otherwise it's irrelevant whether most of the boxes are old football boots and Scout memorabilia, or priceless Hot Wheels.

Hotwheels collections can be worth thousands.
Individual models can be worth thousands also.

Very easy to write collections off as trash on the proviso that "we" arent interested in them.

Hmm, there's a big difference between a Hot Wheels collection and a box of old football boots. One is collecting, the other is hoarding. Would it help to get him back to 50% by having a clearer line on what counts as collecting? Even collectors have clear-outs from time to time and he needs to prioritise the actual childhood being lived in his house over preserving relics from his own. Fine to keep hold of genuine memorabilia but manky old boots no one will ever wear again? Not fine. I'd start there as a practical step. Enforce the limits while being supportive and nice about his genuine nerdy collecting side. It just can't get into the unreasonable, selfish or grotty levels or he can go and live alone in a man cave. His Hot Wheels won't keep him company like his family would.

"He sounds nuts"

Ableism right there.

Gotta love MN.

wtf what an idiot he is. Why are you considering another child with him?!

He could solve all his problems by getting rid of one thing...

I feel like I am living in some sort of alternate universe sometimes. I couldn't imagine caring who has what percentage of the loft. You need some actual problems!

OP, I feel for you. I don't understand the need to accumulate crap and then get pleasure with it being in a box in the loft.
Your house is a family house, not a single man's pad. I'd suggest putting some of it in storage to 'keep it safe'. Once it starts costing him money to store, it may change habits?

It sounds like you are getting angry over this stuff just existing.

Sure there is a limit to how much stuff someone can have.

But if he were to say put it all into storage would you be happy with that ? Or just angry at the fact it was costing money to store the stuff ? Because that could be money that is spent on your DD ?

I mean it is not affecting your life, it's taking up 50% of the loft which is mostly used for storage in most peoples houses.

He collects stuff. That is who he is. I doubt whether you can separate the person from the collections.

But there is obviously a limit as to how big the collections can get before they start impacting on your life and living space.

But it comes across that you are building up an incredible amount of anger about this and you probably need to find a more reasonable half way point if your relationship is to survive.