DH collections bringing me down.

@SoddingSoda Could he not build himself a leak proof shed and store them correctly in there?

"He has said if I asked him to sell it all he would" so ask him. And get rid of the football boots.
Maybe if he could get rid of things in a slightly useful way it would help? e.g. old boots/shoes can be recycled.

You may need to consider that he may have OCD, or Aspergers. Collecting to that level is a ‘personality’ issue. It’s not a big deal in the great scheme of things. Is it really the collection that is bothering you so much? Are there other issues? If not and you have a good relationship, I’d gently say you need to be more tolerant about the stuff in the garage.

Yup, this.

why don’t you suggest he stores in a rental locker? The thought of paying may sharpen his priorities.

that being said if it’s in the attic you can’t see it and unless YOU want store an equal amount is it a problem?

He's got the understanding and management.....he's got over half the loft space for himself

😢 Glad you’re ok now. And be proud of being houseproud! My mum was brought up in a dump and, as an adult, her home was beautifully clean and tidy.

Because then you know how/where you can get support to manage it. You know what you're dealing with as a bigger picture.
Being ND is not laziness, selfishness, ignorance of others (by choice) or anything else negative. It's literally the brain is wired differently and processing information is difficult and different.
There is not a magic wand that can be swished and all symptoms are gone. It's about understanding and management.

He needs to look at a storage centre and rent a unit. He can put his things in there or tell him to move back in with his parents if he can’t shift some of it to allow you to have a proper home. He sounds like he hasn’t grown up to be honest. If he likes collecting, fair play but he needs to find a space outside of the house for it all.

I think it’s reasonable to point out that while some of you are minimalists and this amount of stuff makes you feel anxious, that could be just a much manifestation of a mental health issue such as OCD, anxiety etc. as the OP’s OH is showing in accumulating this stuff. I’m an antiques dealer so my house has an ever-changing range of items coming in and out, and this makes my house feel comfortable and loved. The vast majority is stored away but some of it is too lovely not to be displayed. A minimalist house would put me on edge, as it would feel corporate and soulless to me! That being said, these are items which have value, and I assume that a great proportion of the OP’s OH’s collections do as well. What appears like boxes of tat to the untrained eye can actually be valuable - don’t dismiss it just because you don’t know anything about it. However, I would draw the line at boxes of stinky old footie boots and the like which clearly have no value other than sentimental. Meet him halfway, offer to help him chuck all the valueless stuff and then take over that space yourself. Or suggest that he thin out the collection by taking some of it to auction, and he can spend the proceeds on his man cave. After all, it’s not like he’s gambling it away or pissing it all up the wall.

I wonder if you aren’t angry at what he currently has, but the indication that he intends to continue collecting and adding to this stuff… that obviously comes with a financial implication.

I would ask him if he would limit his continued collecting to just one type of thing ie pokemon cards or toy cars etc and the rest he will have to accept that is as big as his collection will get.

as a side point, is he neurodiverse? I only ask because I have a neurodiverse child who is obsessed with collecting (funko pops, iconic drinks bottles, Coins and pokemon cards are his passions). We have told him he can only add to his collections if they come in the shape of birthday/christmas gifts and he is. Or to continue to spend other money on them to try to prevent the scenario you have now.

Why will it be “heartbreaking” for him to sell it when he doesn’t want it (as presumably he won’t sell it if he does), but not for the OP to sell it when she does want it?

Is he diagnosed ND or OCD or if not, is he showing other signs of possible neurodiversity? Does he fully understand the situation? If he's generally a good person, not controlling or manipulative, might be worth looking into if not diagnosed. Spoken from a lifetime of experience!

Best things to do, is set strict rules for further items and if something comes in, something goes out rule. Like you do with hoarders.

And to put a positive spin on things, look at it this way. There's possibly a huge financial pot sat there should it ever be needed.

To whoever said why would you shag someone who makes excell sheets for their collections... Just wow. Managing things methodically does not make you unattractive. I'd rather have a partner that has some managed collections than an obsessive gamer or footy lout.

But she's still alive and still enjoys keeping it. Should no one own anything in case it inconveniences people after death?

Fil has a similar mentality. His eldest is now 60 with gown up kids. Who needs a nest egg at 60?

Sell it and enjoy watching him put his his nest egg to use now.

By leaving it to him you're just leaving him a big sad task that will break his heart.

I’m assuming he is neurodiverse and it’s really hard to get rid of things that you’ve spent your life collecting and hyperfixating on. Could he sell anything to buy something for the family? Or his dream collectible? Or is it all things that are personal/non-valuable?

Do you listen to The ADHD Adults podcast???….sorry….very much off topic!!
I would really struggle with this too!!! Anal doesn’t begin to describe it!!

You mean a proper diagnosis or a mumsnet one??

@OhHelloMiss Ask those who received a late diagnosis, or those who live with with them, how helpful it has been.

I don't see how diagnosing him as autistic is helpful either

The problem still exists either way

Have a look at this set of threads (it's on number 11) by people with ND partners.

Do you recognise any of the experiences they're sharing?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5081532-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-11?page=2

I think you need some professional outside help to set some boundaries. This doesn't sound like something that will get better but will get worse as he gets older.

And it will impact on the kids...

You've been remarkably understanding. But if it was me I'd be thinking he cared more about his spreadsheets and 'stuff' than me and the kids....

I wonder if hoarding could be an example of hyperfixation in itself? The stuff being the special interest?

Unrestrained collecting is just another name for hoarding. He just does it neatly.

You can get more and more space, and he will fill it all up and still look for more.

At the end of the day, the inability to let go of things is an obsessive compulsion, an illness. It will co timer to fire if he doesn't take steps to rein it in.

I think it's a bit like Mr Rochester being married to Jane Eyre when the first Mrs Rochester is up in the loft/attic.

I looked up infodumping here.

https://www.yourlifeaba.com/blog/hyperfixation-infodumping-and-autism-parents-guide

That's all very well if you're happy for your husband to be - in respect of the collecting/hoarding - a child.

A bit more problematic when it's meant to be an equal relationship of adults. I did find the book, 'The Life of Stuff' helpful.

You are married to a hoarder . Give it a few years and you won't get in the front door . You may tolerate this but it's not fair on your daughter.