I can't afford to keep an adult child

OP, I think you are doing exactly the right thing by charging him what you are. It's a realistic amount for board and lodgings for the month and without a doubt less than it would cost him even for a room in shared house (without meals) where we are.

My youngest son is 22 and earning about the same as yours. I charge him a little less in board than you are charging but, and it's a big but, I can afford to do that. If I couldn't, I would have no hesitation in charging him the same as you. The reason I charge him at all is that I think it's a really good lesson in life about what things cost. As it is he frequently offers to buy an occasional takeaway or does a small top up shop at his expense if we need it as he knows he is onto a good thing.

I would also add that he is saving around £800 per month split between a LISA and a high interest savings account towards a house deposit so your son should still be able to save around £600 a month if he is prioritising owning his own place at some point.

You are a great mum OP, providing for your DS when his father has clearly let him down. Have confidence in your choices, you are doing a great job.

But could you afford to live if he left, and you no longer received the £400 per month? Are you dependent on that money anyway?

OP, of you're receiving PIP disability benefit, then you shouldn't be having non-dependent deductions applied to your housing benefit/UC housing element.

And if he was living "in his own home" he would be 100% responsible for bills, so he needs to rethink that comment.

I would suggest getting some figures together first. How much income and outgoings you would have if you lived on your own, and a separate list of current income and outgoings. Exclude food.

At the VERY LEAST he needs to bring you back up to where you would be. This is what he is COSTING you to live with you.

Then I would be telling him he can buy his own food and personal items going forward, unless he wants to make a sensible additional contribution to you to cover these costs.

It is hard, I have an adult son with autism and he will probably be with us for many years, but he is working and does contribute £100 a week (he gets paid weekly) towards food and bills plus another £25 a week towards "stuff" - he will often ask me to buy things when I am out, so rather than keep adding it all up we compromised on £25. Sometimes I gain, sometimes I lose.

He understands that things cost money and that we are not a bottomless money pit.

I work in a sector that works with people who have fallen into debt. Sometimes I've had this conversation with their adult children myself. I would suggest listing monthly household bills. Rent (if it's not covered by benefit), council tax, water, gas, electric, internet, tv licence. Show him the list and the total. As you are two adults living in the house, you are responsible for half each (presuming there is just the two of you). Then Ask him how he would like to pay for food on top of that. Would he like to sort himself out or would he like to take turns to pay or just pay you a set amount for you to deal with everything.

Even if one has much less income?

There are 2 adults living there. In theory everything should be split in half……

Sounds fine in theory - but he's costing her more money than she has to spare. OP has her disability benefit to live on, full stop. That isn't exactly a massive amount of money, certainly not enough to pay the costs of two people's energy, food, water etc. Add to that there's the assumption made that he will be contributing so she's lost £77 a month because of that, then add in say around £50 or so council tax due to not getting the single person's discount every month...

Nobody living on a reduced single persons disability benefit and nothing else can support 2 people, however much she may want to.

You may have missed the part where OH said her benefits are reduced by £77 because he’s living there. That means OP is living £308 per month BELOW the legal amount needed to keep a disabled person. That is extreme poverty. So his £100 per week is actually only £23 per week for food and bills.

'I shouldn't charge him to live in his own home'

does he own the house? because if not and hes not renting it either then its not 'his own' home.

I have lived in this house almost my entire adult life (since 22 years old, now middle aged) and raised my kids here, I have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life... but imagine if I told my landlord he shouldn't charge me rent to live in my own 'home'.

Where is this council with an ample supply of easily maintained and heated studio apartments for young single men?

Sounds great, but not remotely like any council I'm aware of in real life.

He is a working adult then he contributes. He needs to contribute £100 a week or moves out.

Sit him down and ask him to write up what it would cost to live in a flat share and bills. Say he has one month to contribute or will have to move out as you can’t afford it.

give him a couple of options:

1. Move out
2. Pay the agreed sum by bank transfers every week/month for as long as he lives there. Put it up by £5 PW until you ahve an agreement in place.

Go over the figures with him if you need to. You should no longer be paying his way. Go over figures one, be factual, don;t argue. Don't forget to facto in the council tax

Explain he has two options, pay you £100pw (on time every week) or he can move out to a house share and you will get a lodger. Offer him 2 weeks to think about it and do the sums!

I think you need to price up what you pay for and show him so he knows what he'll be expected to pay if he has to move out - put it there in black and white for him. If he still can't see that £100 a week is nothing then unfortunately I think I'd be telling him to go and find a place to live for £100 a week. It won't happen.

PIP does exist. But if he can hold down a job and drive he is less likely to be eligible.

Where did his girlfriend get the impression that it was ‘his own home’? Did he tell her he owned it?

DLA doesn't exist for people over 16 any more

No, she’s losing £77 per month, not per week,

Your son is old enough to understand that different families have different situations and some of the reasons behind why that might be. He can also afford to pay you rent on a minimum wage job and still have a lot more disposable income than you have. I am in a similar situation, both my children are aware that they can't live at home without paying rent, but they understand why. My eldest moved out but my youngest isn't 18 yet. The child element of UC is nearly £400 now so you can explain to him that that is what they expect you to need for a child living at home.

OP don't feel bad. My DS had a minimum wage job. He opened a LISA and saved the £4k and got the government top up of £1k. He also saved an additional £6 per year. He paid me £300 pcm for the first year then £325 pcm second year He was saving after electricity hikes. He suggested the increase because he knew utilities had gone up. He also treated me to a meal out each month and an occasional bunch of flowers, because he recognised he was getting a good deal living at home. If my son could be paid MW and still save £10k each year your son could do so too. Your DS sounds entitled and spoiled.

As he had learning difficulties csn he apply for DLA?
It might help.

Why don't you suggest that he go and research what he could get elsewhere for £100 per week and come back to you.................he is welcome to move out but of course he won't for that money! learning experience for him on what things cost.

To be blunt, you could save any amount for a deposit, it doesn't sound like he's ever going to be in a position to take on a mortgage so it's a bit irrelevant.