My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

OP's done an anon post.

SIL actually says this shit to their face, so she's the horrible one.

Me too - the feeder part anyway. I have always been self conscious and never liked my body, probably because of comments my mother made when I was a teenager (in the 70s). Such as:

You should wear a roll on (corset) to hold your belly in - I didn't have a big belly
You have got footballers legs i.e. big thighs
You should wear such and such style dresses as they are more slimming.

I was about 9 stone and a (1970s) size 12 at the time and, in hindsight, had a decent figure. My mother was always on some weird diet or other - the grapefruit diet, the egg diet etc. We had a very similar figure but she was a size bigger at the time.

Her comments have impacted me all my life. To this day I won't go in communal changing rooms, wear a swimsuit or bikini, let anyone see me undressed.

I agree @Mirabai
Op says 'who cares?'. But to comment like that sounds very much like she does.
Reading through the thread I think there is an awful lot of disordered eating being described. It doesn't always manifest in quietly eschewing food. People who eat in a disordered fashion do exhibit odd behaviours. And frankly can be annoying - destructive even.

That's the best response!

Hmm... maybe say, "Yes, I'm ordering plenty of food because I don't want osteoporosis when I'm older [tinkly laugh]. You need to watch it, Thelma, or you'll end up all bent over and weedy [tinklier laugh]".

I'm going to say it: an eating disorder is no excuse. She knows exactly what she's doing.

I have ARFID, which is nothing to do with wanting to be skinny: I know I'm too underweight, its not healthy and I know it looks bad, but due to my autism a lot of the sensations around eating are very uncomfortable and I have a limited range of safe foods (though wider than it used to be). I never comment on anyone's plate or body size because I know how uncomfortable and shaming it is when people do it to me. You can have an eating disorder and still have empathy for other people. Just like you can have an eating disorder and also be a nasty piece of work.

Also, I've been close with someone who had anorexia and the absolute last thing she would do is draw attention to how little she ate. She wanted to give the impression that she ate more.

Best. Ever. Answer.

Haha, I recently had someone do the "how can you eat all this?"

I am older now so I respond.

I looked back with a serious face and said: "Discipline, x. You've got to have the discipline."

That doesn’t really tally OP. People who are “at one” with themselves tend not to “hate” other people or be affected by “downers”; nor do they make snippy comments about someone being “beautiful” in their youth but “pretty ordinary” now.

I don’t buy it, I don’t know what’s going on but it sounds like you’re as competitive with her as she is with you.

My sil is like this too

One of those who says, do we really need to eat dinner?

Yes. Yes we do.

think that constantly counting calories and weaponising food is disordered. Sure it's not the most severe kind but these things are a spectrum.

She may well have disordered eating. Eating disorders are not a spectrum, they are recognised serious mental health conditions with criteria that need to be met before diagnosis. Of course she may have an undiagnosed eating disorder and yes there are of course different severities.

In any case, disorder or not, you don't have to accept someone behaving badly towards you.

I would feel sorry for her. What a miserable way to live and to define yourself by thinness.... What a thing to be known for. Is there a way you can just tune it out and continue to enjoy what you eat?

Oh god my former mil was one of these and her equally dull as dishwater daughter 🤦🏻‍♀️ “Oh I’ll be full all day now” after Sunday lunch and giving me looks because I’m having a pudding. She make a bag of crisps last 3 days and her daughter starves all day and then eats chocolate at night.

Dh and I were the slim ones because we actually ate healthily.

Did someone have a word with her? Apart from anything else, it would have made her unpopular.

I remember all the young women in my office competitively dieting - none would eat any sandwiches so lunchtime meetings would mean loads of curling sandwiches left over. It always made me uncomfortable, I felt like I was constantly being judged.

Don't ignore, say something along the lines of 'It's like brains, I prefer to have more than other people'.

As long as the SIL keeps her opinions to herself then the OP should do the same though I doubt the SIL keeps quiet, she'll consider herself to be on the moral high ground.

When I first started off in the corporate world with another grad, we had one of these. She would actually go through our desk bins (remember when they were a thing?!) to ask if we had really eaten that whole sandwich / bag of crisps / whatever it happened to be. She would then hold the pack out and say to everyone else 'ooh don't know how she doesn't weigh ten tonnes eating this everyday'. Bonkers behaviour.

Stare them in the eye and say why do you want some ? When they pearl clutch and say nooo say good then yeah I’m eating all this 😂

After a comment 'SIL, you sound so insecure!!'. Then change topic

Write down in a notebook all the phrases she comes out with.

Then when she says one get the notebook out and give it a tick, then look her in the eye and ask if it's worth putting her score card away?

To be fair I haven’t. Not really anyway, my parents have commented when I was heavier which felt horrible and was out of order. But I said so, got an apology and it’s not been repeated…

that being said, I wasn’t aware the OPs SIL was also making snide comments. I just responded to the OP.

I think it’s awful to comment on anyone’s appetite whilst eating (or at all) but I couldn’t see what the SIL had done apart from watch her own food consumption.

@Gingernaut it must be awful to be on the receiving end of those behaviours, agreed. Agreed

My aunt is a performative undereater and if we visited her as a family we used to take snacks and water with us to have on the way home in the car afterwards. She'd prepare 1 small chicken for 4 adults and 4 children - so 1 small slice each with one roast potato, a couple of carrot rings and a teaspoon of peas all covered in WATERY GRAVY! 🤮 Then my uncle would complain there was no chicken left for their lunch the next day! If they came to us all their family (except her) would eat everything in sight and just about lick the plates clean! Never brought so much as a bottle of wine with them. She used to sit at our table muttering under her breath about how it was too much. Years of performative undereating have affected her teeth and heart and she's very frail nowadays.

She sounds like a crashing bore. Don't give her the attention she obviously craves and knows no other way of getting.

She doesn't have an eating disorder; she's a bitch. People suffering from ED tend to fade into the background so no one twigs that they're starving themsrlves. This is pure aggression.

When she pipes up next, return fire. Find her underbelly and pepperspray it. Learn the language of therapy and use it. Compassionately.

This is not about the food, it's about putting herself above everyone else. Time to knock her off her high horse. If you use ridicule, make sure it's implied. And if she can't possibly eat them more for the rest of you.

You'll feel much happier when you fight back.

I love this! You’re raising strong women that won’t take any crap and you should be very proud!