My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

This

@NonPlayerCharacter But given you keep going back to my assertion that people don't generally look as objectively beautiful in their 40s as they do in their 20s, I don't really believe that you could spend all evening with someone wittering on at your elbow about how much you're eating and what a pig it makes you, and be totally zen.

What? You asked me a question, I answered it and it hasn’t been mentioned since!

If someone obviously has a problem whatever they say very clearly is not about you.

@NonPlayerCharacter EDs are horrible. They wouldn't be disorders if they were lovely and fun. It's not a person's fault if they have a disorder but it's not anyone else's fault either, and constantly making shitty comments to make someone feel bad about eating is an attempt to spread that disorder.

Totally disingenuous. The words you actually used were: “trying to spread your horrible disorder” - which is a revolting way to talk about an ED - dripping with disgust as if it were a shameful infection. It’s even a revolting way to talk about an infection.

Someone in the grip of a mental illness making depressed or anxious or food focused comments is not trying to spread their disease.

Well, we tried shaming them, making them the butt of many nasty jokes on popular sitcoms and denying them attractive clothes, but everyone just got fatter. Maybe a less shame-based approach would do better? Worth a try.

This is nothing to do with obesity or eating disorders. Sil just sounds mean.

Have you tried telling her that you think looks are the least interesting thing about someone 🤣

You are not wrong OP weight, what you eat and look like is mind-numbingly dull and really sucks the joy out of other things. I think those people who feel for your SIL obviously find these things really important too.

60% of adults in the UK are overweight or obese, it's a genuine public health crisis and it costs the NHS a bloody fortune.

We're in a ridiculous situation where it's deemed responsible and correct to address people with an eating disorder who are underweight, but people with an eating disorder who are overweight are not only to remain unaddressed but to be positively assured that it's fine as long as they're happy.

OP’s saying this about someone she knows really well - that’s what feels blb.

Yeah, her SIL. Not a friend. Someone she's related to, who likes to ruin events, make nasty comments about unattractive girls and try to spoil women's confidence by making them feel like heifers. Do that and people will push back.

Also talking about EDs as “your horrible disorder” is really off.

EDs are horrible. They wouldn't be disorders if they were lovely and fun. It's not a person's fault if they have a disorder but it's not anyone else's fault either, and constantly making shitty comments to make someone feel bad about eating is an attempt to spread that disorder.

Once you realise that what people say is really about them and their issues you don’t take this kind of stuff personally.

That's very enlightened and everything. But given you keep going back to my assertion that people don't generally look as objectively beautiful in their 40s as they do in their 20s, I don't really believe that you could spend all evening with someone wittering on at your elbow about how much you're eating and what a pig it makes you, and be totally zen. It's entirely possible not to take it personally, but still find it rude, obnoxious, joyless and downright irritating.

Edit: Actually I retract that bit about EDs not being anyone else's fault...it's clear from some posts that actually, some EDs are very much caused by another person. What I meant to say was, they are not likely to be the fault of the person now being subjected to endless commentary about how much they eat and how little the other person eats and everything is about how much everyone's eating...you know what I mean.

It makes me go into competitive eating mode. I would be sure to have a pudding whether I wanted it or not and ensure I told everyone how delicious it was.

The commentary (which is the competitive part), for sure. I wouldn't mind if she just drank black coffee and smoked a gauloise (metaphorically, not a fan of passive smoke). It's the "oo we'll all be STUFFED for the rest of the day after that!" and then somehow working in a comment on who has the smallest dress size.

Ive got a relative like this - whatever the topic of conversation she can manage to turn it around to how thin and delicate she is, and how small her appetite is. I’ve decided to stop being annoyed by this and just marvel at her ability to turn any conversation to focus on this.

A recent example was a conversation on how highly some watches are valued on the Antiques Roadshow, leading to a long monologue from her on how her extremely thin wrists mean she can’t find a watch that fits her.

Does she know she has an eating disorder?

She just sounds a pain, and I would performatively gorge down as much food as possible in her presence whilst saying: “you're so amazing, practically holy is your devotion to being a string. This cake is delicious though, you won’t mind if I have your portion; just think of it as a quick decade of the rosary”

I've known 3 women with diagnosed eating disorders. None would ever comment on anyone else's food or size, and all were very fearful of anyone commenting on theirs.

SIL is just obsessed and rude.

I wouldn't want that behaviour around girls for the reasons listed here by posters who were on the receiving end of it as children. If you have to eat with her, model a healthy attitude right back at her in a very bored tone and then ignore. 'this is a healthy portion'. 'It's a normal amount of food'. 'food is for fuel and pleasure' 'treats are part of a normal diet' ' I'm a healthy weight'
Or
'stop constantly banging on about everyone else's food you boring bitch'

This is not about being identified it’s about bitching about the appearance of a close acquaintance. Anonymity doesn’t make that better.

My dad does this. It was constant throughout my childhood (luckily only every other weekend). He "can't understand" how people can eat three meals a day and thinks that all women should barley eat like his borderline anorexic second wife. He's not particularly thin himslef but MY GOD does he only think women have value if they're thin. Constant comments about women's weight. I was a fat child (mother was a feeder) and then developed disordered eating which was sliding towards a full-blown eating disorder in my 20s. I went no contact with him for unrelated reasons and now have a much healthier relationship with my body and my eating habits.

The food police are bloody exhausting.

I think it depends on what your own eating habits are like. My SIL has a terrible eating disorder. She will eat until she's full, and then go and throw it up so she can have more. It massively puts me off my food when I'm in het company. She probably thinks I'm a competitive undereater, but I literally cannot stomach food in her company knowing what she is up to. I cannot bear eating with her.

Even if OP is overweight it's got sod all to do with SIL what she chooses to eat or wear.

I have a friend a bit like SIL, I don't think it's as pointed or related to an eating disorder, I think it's more she worries about being overly full, but it's just boring. I really don't care if she won't be eating any dinner after "this awfully big lunch" or if she was naughty and had a biscuit after she played tennis. The correct amount of discussion around what portion size someone is eating is Nil. If you can't finish something just leave it on your plate, or ask if you can get it boxed up.

Having children helped me perfect the death stare. They knew when they had that look from me that I was not happy without saying a word.

I'd be practising it in front of the mirror OP.... sometimes you don't need words.

That’s pretty disingenuous, this is an anonymous forum. There are many like Sil, she won’t identify herself.

In the nicest possible way; with all her comments to you previously re your outfits….are you just overweight and she has been trying, tactlessly as your sister, to tell you it doesn’t look good/get you to reassess?

she clearly has some weight issues, but to me this whole thread reads like it bothers you because you are not slim and therefore you do see it as a dig/aren’t happy with your weight.

people who always comment on food etc are very tiresome, but it’s also tiresome when people are overly sensitive due to being overweight!

Try taunting her with a massive piece of chocolate cake until she bursts into tears & runs out of the room. That’s how I dealt with my brother’s painfully thin ex over her repeated attempts to police what I was eating.

At family meals he would always make snide comments about what & how much I was eating. I tried hinting that she was out of order, but eventually she picked the wrong moment when I’d had a few drinks & my patience snapped. Unsurprisingly, she never commented on my food again. Not to my face, anyway.

In fairness to myself, at the time I genuinely didn’t know that she had an eating disorder or understand the true seriousness of such conditions and I wouldn’t do it again.

Well sorry for anyone who has to suffer comments. Metaphorically pissing on your chips…

I was brought up that commenting on food except to say you liked it was a big no-no and very bad form.

OP’s saying this about someone she knows really well - that’s what feels blb.

Of course women can be as beautiful in their 40s as 20s. Some women look pretty much the same, but you don’t have to look young to be attractive.

Also talking about EDs as “your horrible disorder” is really off.

Once you realise that what people say is really about them and their issues you don’t take this kind of stuff personally.

She's anonymous to us and she has no idea OP is saying this, although from her behaviour it sounds as though secretly she agrees. Why wouldn't she? Who's as objectively beautiful in their 40s as they were in their 20s?

I'm glad for you that you can't imagine taking performative undereating, aka trying to spread your horrible disorder, ruin family occasions and shit all over other women's self confidence, very seriously or personally. You are very lucky. Most of us do have a reaction to obnoxious and antisocial behaviour. The good news is that one can learn to stop giving a shit about the effect they're trying to have on you, but I haven't yet learned how to stop disliking such obnoxious people.

She’s not anonymous to OP. Where you see offence I see someone who’s quite fucked up. I can’t imagine taking her comments seriously or personally.

Even completely anonymously, when it's true, and relevant?

Ok. But according to OP, this woman feels quite at ease making horrid comments about people's looks (did you see what she said about unattractive girls?) so I think most of us will find it hard to take great offence at OP giving us what she thinks is the reason for SIL being so utterly obnoxious.