My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

@OptimismvsRealism Whenever she makes one of her digs, say "I know it's amazing, I can just eat & eat & never put a single pound on! Whilst taking another spoonful. That will drive her INSANE

What did she say?

There are things that are genuinely flummoxing: where the universe ends, that sort of thing. ‘How’ people can eat a whole baked potato or the amount of food reported on threads about Christmas Day is not flummoxing because people quite clearly can and do.

Whatever anyone else’s appetite, penchant for rich foods, whole foods, salad or haribo, it is personal, unnecessary and Intrusive to comment on.

Have a mutual discussion / conversation in which people include their own preferences , etc, fine.

Random commenting by one person about another’s choices which is in any way critical or othering or disingenuous questioning: zip it. 🤐

What do you want OP?

Venting is fine, and teaming up in solidarity with people who endure similar and also get would up.

Or do you want to put a stop to it? In which case look at some of the posts that advocate a direct way of telling her you don’t want to hear it any more. Which you can do calmly and politely, but firmly.

If you want to put a stop to it (hearing it, anyway, obviously you can’t manage what goes on in her own mind and other circles) do not engage in any of the ‘witty’ but passive aggressive suggestions on this thread, retaliatory p/a just ramps up the drama. Good for fantasy conversation and venting, though. But dropping the drama also means stopping thinking up insults about her (Lady Chimpanzee) . Not getting dragged down means stopping the p/a from both directions.

Given that she has a Dd, I personally would go for being straight with her and telling her you don’t want to hear it. Don’t criticise her, just say talk of body size, weight and food is not a conversation you want to hear or engage in.

If someone really has a small appetite then that is fine. It’s weird and rude to eat with others and comment on their eating - “God, I just have no appetite these days! I don’t know how I’ll eat any of this! I can’t understand how you can tolerate so many rich foods!”. It’s the way to spoil it for everyone and, if it is a nice restaurant and you are the one paying, infuriating.

I remember a friend telling a work colleague that chuntering on about what other people eat / weigh was very aging. Young people don’t do this - they are too polite.

Doesn't explain why they feel the need to bring it up, though. Or why they think they're entitled to remark on the eating habits of others. They can be as bemused as they like in their heads.

@LazyGewl it may well genuinely be about the size of their appetite - I think it mostly is in my friend's case - but regardless it's a tedious topic of conversation and appears judgemental.

Has it ever occurred to people that those who say they have a tiny appetite might be telling the truth? When they say they wonder how the rest of us can put away a whole potato they might be genuinely flummoxed. I once heard a man with anorexia say that something switched in his head and he was just unable to eat. He just couldn’t do it and the longer it went on the worse it got. Many people who say these things may not be competing with us at all but because we are sensitive about our weight (I actually am not anymore) we take offence.

Got my tin hat on for this one, but I always wonder about the fasting diet which is incredibly popular but not a million miles from some of the disordered eating described on this thread. I can’t imagine eating just 800 cals a day or whatever (I never count calories) even for just a couple of days a week.

Yeah but if you do not have a mental health issue like them you can walk away or turn a deaf ear to it. They are not able to control a mental health disorder. When it comes to mental health there is no point in fighting fire with fire.

The thing is you don't have to have a full blown, textbook ED to be experiencing disordered eating. Disordered eating is not good, and will be affecting the lives of those experiencing it, and those around them. And by the sounds of it there's an awful lot of people out there with disordered habits. Which isn't fun for anyone

My mother is like that!!! She always says she "only wants half a portion" or "kids portion" and then proceeds to eat 3 of those....
Will NEVER admit to being hungry when asked....and when I say I will make food as I'm hungry she will be giving me judgmental looks as if being hungry is a crime..

Also had a lifetime of being told I'm too big- even though I was never overweight..BMI of 20 and she was saying "well, you could be slimer"

I find her really annoying to eat with as well.
I know she has issues with herself that she projects on me and my sister. She is very slim (always was) but she also wants to lose more weight. Her wanting to lose a few pounds has been a theme throughout the years.

Ah but OP says she is thin and on MN if you are a 10 or under then you must have an eating disorder and live off of lettuce leaves.

Actually I've just thought about something else my DM says. They have always been very critical- DF especially- of anyone who is overweight, and having quite broad shoulders I have always been a bit of a disappointment to them.

But now poor DM has serious osteoporosis so when I visit if I've put on a few pounds "Well it's good that you're not too thin, means you won't get osteoporosis." I know she means well, but why can't they just not say a bloody thing about what I weigh or what I am wearing.

That’s crap obviously, but even if it was true, OP having “some kind of issue around food “ is not permission for SIL to be a horror. A decent person with any self awareness wouldn’t do it, nor would they defend it.

People only get annoyed by the kind of behaviour exhibited by SIL if they have some kind of issue around food themselves. Everybody else just ignores it.

Yes, it would be fair and reasonable to point out that I wasn't the mentally ill person if someone with an eating disorder or other mental illness was deliberately trying to spoil my meal or otherwise undermine me with snide comments criticising me for not behaving the same way as they do.

I have a weight-obsessed fatist MIL who has a ridiculous attitude towards food. She never fed her children properly and they all had issues around a tiny food repertoire for years. Sadly she is now known by all of her grandchildren as the Nan who doesn’t feed us very well, unbeknown to her. They come back from the very occasional visit and grumble about being hungry. Food is love in our house but is used to control and limit in theirs. Even the dog looks fed up at meal
times.

She eats lots of cakes and scones but rarely will she have a proper meal. By 4pm she’s yawning her head off due to lack of energy. I mean my MIL not the dog…

And funnily enough that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her other unpleasant traits. 😏

Uni friend was always:
I’m size XXS. I’m so small, nothing fits.
You are soooo lucky you have big feet, it makes your legs look slimmer.
My pores are soooo small! You’re so lucky you can squeeze stuff out if yours, I can’t because my pores are sooo small.

I worked at a lingerie boutique. I was complaining to my boss about my friend always saying “I’m xxs” nothing fits me!! My boss said give her these - several exquisite hand embroidered underpants, in beautiful glossy boxes with tissue and ribbon - size XS/S. They were a “defective” batch, too small for adult woman. Boss suggested as a joke, because they were so small.

Presented to friend who was dismissive at size XS/S - saying I don’t think they will fit, but thank you so much.

Later, asked if she liked them, boss did when she came in shop, she would never admit they didn’t fit. “Oh they’re lovely” etc etc We thought she would be laughing… OMG, they are sooo small, but she just couldn’t !

I know the feeling, it's just relentless bullshit, but I cannot keep my mouth shut if someone's behaving like an arse. I'd either call her out on it very rudely or have an extremely quiet serious word in private, telling her to give it a bloody rest and tell her how completely fed up of her endless drivel you are. You must be incredibly tolerant not to have taken the absolute piss out of her thus far!

I have a friend who always suggests meeting for lunch and then waits till everyone has ordered and then orders the soup with no bread citing I'm not terribly hungry . She is lovely and slim.
Should annoy me so much but it does.

She’s like my mother, competitive undereating, ‘Oh, I can only manage half a slice of toast then I’m full . I don’t need lunch.’ Probably cos she’s still full of booze from the night before. She was horrified at 24st me, always putting me on diets, but made me do the usual stay at the table til the meal is finished, even if it was something I hated, because you know, starving children in Ethiopia. I’ve always had extremely disordered eating and finally had a bypass last year. Despite this, she’s still telling me she’s a size 8, weighs only this and is now worried I might end up skinnier than her!

@OptimismvsRealism do you never tell her to stfu? Or that you are bored of her banging on about food/dress size? I’d absolutely have to tell her.

Can't stand all that 'oh I'm so abstemious and it makes me moral' shit and it would annoy me too. Whatever her reasons, as others have said your best bet is to take the high road, not engage with weird shit, visibly enjoy food (and laugh at stupid comments if directed at you) - best revenge is to enjoy life and show how great it can be without embracing all the nonsense. You can't control her, but you can control how you react to her (and ranting is a valid way to blow off steam!).

Eugh that is painful, my MIL does this a bit. I always seem to know when she’s ‘forgotten’ to have lunch, there is no way I’d ever ‘forget’ to eat a meal 😂

I do pull her her up on it in a ‘WHY would you do that?! You have diabetes, you need to eat regularly, that is so silly MIL...’...feels good. 😂