My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

It's the SiL making comparisons. Didn't you read it?

I had a friend who was harbouring hate towards me as I didn’t eat enough in her opinion. It really upset me as i thought a lot of her and she was seemingly kind
it really was a shock but when I thought about it when we went out to have a shop and a cuppa she would say “ no not eating ive got food when I get home “
i would eat and not her .. ( go figure )
She would sit there quiet and watching me .. I got the heat coming off her and that was it I called it a day with her ..
inwas very upset
food and women is a very tricky area
she was overweight and had a disability and I did all I could to be a great friend.
That’s what made it even more upsetting.
I didn’t want to say bye but I was so uncomfortable around her attitude
She was very kind too at times .. ugh I was so conflicted ..

Perhaps they genuinely feel they shouldn’t have the biscuit - nothing to do with you and your eating habits

They always do.

Slim people live on lettuce leaves, have eating disorders, are miserable, look terrible as they age blah blah blah. People just tell themselves whatever they need to so that they feel better when they look in the mirror.

it's the persistence, I would imagine. Every family event, some snide comment.

I did say in my experience (close family members, a couple of colleagues, and a number of students).
I'm not speaking for everyone.

I used to have a SIL that was like this. The snide comments about my size were continuous. If she came for a meal she used to help herself to the smallest portions, but take a "doggy" bag home though.

One day she said she'd been invited to a wedding, but had nothing suitable to wear. I offered to lend her a suit I'd just bought for myself in a sale. She tried it on. How I managed not to smile (or laugh out loud) when she could not fasten up the zip I do not know.

She never again had any comments on my weight.

People with EDs are not one homogenous group. Everyone behaves differently.

My mum fought cancer for 8 years before she died (11 years ago now) and obviously the last few months were very stressful. My then SIL spent the whole funeral telling me how wonderful I looked because I had lost weight! She was a competitive under eater too. I just thought F* you, I really don’t care! My weight fluctuates ( mainly upwards since menopause!!) and I would like to be lighter, but I am happy with myself and would really like women to support each other for who we are rather than what we weigh!

IME people with eating disorders don't talk about it.
Disordered eating ("I'm so naughty having a biscuit") is another thing.

Well said.

I don’t think it’s a horrible thing to write about her SIL. A lot of Mumsnet is about people coping with difficult relatives or friends. It’s not as if her SIL knows what she’s written.

Everyone here is so much nicer than me. If anyone was making those comments about what I was eating they'd be told very bluntly to keep their opinions to themselves.

I have a good friend like this, competitive under-eating. Also a feeder. Lots of our social life revolves around restaurants with friends and on our own and it’s a nightmare.

She’ll encourage you to have a nice breakfast/lunch, then order a small soup or abstemious green salad. Finding a restaurant where she can eat anything on the menu is a torture. Sometimes we’ll all be eating steak, say, and all she’ll be able to eat is a tiny bowl of beans (no dressing, no onions, no garlic), looking forlorn.

Then there’s the excessive baking.

I can also no longer invite her home for a meal with friends, it’s just too restrictive. Very sad (when it isn’t maddening.)

This is absolute BS, I knew plenty of slim healthy 40 year olds who are still slim healthy (not frail) 60year olds. This is turning into a slim bashing thread.

Have you ever come across anyone like this? Luckily I never have.

I am a size 6 so by no means affected by these sort of comments or coming from a place of jealousy or bitterness- but I find these comments absolutely rude and disgusting. Nobody should comment on what someone else eats, ever or their weight. It's so bloody personal and nobody's business but the eater. Why would you want people to dread sharing a meal with you?

How would we ever know if they are or aren't naturally slim? The ones who blether on are definitely NOT hence the angst and waspishness around others eating.

sometimes they ARE naturally slim but still feel the need to comment on it for no reason I have ever been able to fathom.

I bet the anorexic in your post didn't make a running commentary on what everybody else was eating though? There is zero need to keep on about any appetite, small or large.

People who talk, talk, talk are trying to compete. They would like to be naturally slim but they aren't. They have to keep a very tight hold indeed to maintain themselves (even if they are larger) and need to lash out about that to people who don't keep to the same stricture and enjoy their food.

They don't need pandering to, they need ignoring. I won't eat with people who do this, it's stultifying and normal rules of politeness would be out of the window in my response to them.

I fast sometimes. It's actually a great way to stop this I-caaaan't-eat-all-that puffery because you win. You're eating nothing at all (as part of a fast) and there's nothing for the twit to compete with, they cannot compete.

I don't talk about fasting, I just do it to suit me and not a chance would I be making anybody feel bad for eating. These twits need to be stamped out.

Obviously they should not make unsolicited comments about what you are or are not eating. There have been quite a few stories shared on here and I don't think any of them have been about someone who just chose not to have dessert.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

I have fortunately never been subjected to this. I have had people comment on what I eat, though. If you eat healthily or don't eat desserts because you're trying to lose weight etc you can get a lot of flack with people urging you to have some. I have had the experience where I have tried to order discretely because I don't want certain things on my plate only to have people draw attention to what I'm eating. I wonder if those people would say that I am one of the food competitors or whatever you call it even though I never comment on what they or anyone else is eating.

Nobody cares how much they eat. It's the commentary designed to ruin your meal, your self confidence and your body image that's the problem. I don't believe anyone who says they could put up with this sort of crap on a regular basis and never be pissed off about it, especially if they can't even stay zen in an Internet discussion about it.

And if I were actually genuinely flummoxed by how someone could do something as normal, everyday and essential to life as eat a meal - even a whole potato - I don't think I'd admit to it.