My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

I know a woman like that. I always order dessert and look at her as if I don’t understand what she is talking about.

I have a father like this. He is constantly commenting on portion sizes etc etc it's so exhausting. I just talk about our business and working long hours and our achievements to shut him up. Puts me off seeing them though. Shame we can't choose our family!

My MIL Like this and it’s totally exhausting. Every time she put some small amount on her plate, everyone else will help themselves then she’ll say oh I’ve not eaten very much. Why is there no so-and-so left? Because you took so long to eat it other people thought you’d had enough.

I'm afraid I would not be inviting her, and saying why. Comments like that cause others t doubt themselves and cause poor body image, and I would not want that sort of behaviour around my pre teen daughters.

My sister chose to leave school at 16, against all family precedent and expectation, and declared "I'll get by on my looks". In her 50s and divorced now, she's finding out at this is not a particularly long term strategy.

I find the obsession with thinness a bit odd. I used to be like that as a teenager and in my early 20s. I starved myself so much I was underweight and my periods stopped for a year.
As I got older I thought it was all ridiculous. Basically I want to be healthy and nourish my body which means I am a healthy weight but by no means skinny. I very much enjoy food.
I find it weird when older women are still so obsessed with being thin. I have a friend who's 60 and all she talks about is her weight. She seems to live on a selection of kale/spinach smoothies and chopped raw vegetables. She often says thing like "Oh God, the doctors going to weigh me. I've put on lbs this year. He'll tell me off". If anything she's underweight, certainly not remotely overweight. I think come on! You're 60, you're healthy, why the obsession with being thin?

You have my sympathies. My MIL and GMIL are like this. If we go out as a family they share a children's meal and still complain of been stuffed. It's actually embarrassing seeing 2 grown women order a child's portion and a spare plate as they are going to share.

Us and BiL and SIL don't eat out with them any more or visit at meal times as it's just boring listening to the running commentary of how stuffed they are because they looked at dust earlier in the day.

Christmas is always a mare as when they host everyone gets teeny tiny portions. The best one to date was boxing day tea at MIL's which she plated and served for us. We all got half a slice of ham, half a slice of bread, 1 slice of lettuce, 2 slices of cucumber, 2 cherry tomatoes, 1 teaspoon of sweet corn, 1 pork pie that was cut to serve 16, 1tsp coleslaw, 1 mini party sausage. That was it. There were no leftovers or anything. She made out she had made a feast so we were to go hungry, us, BIL, SIL and the nephews all had KFC on the way home.

OMG my sister, though not vain, but did (does?) have and ED and when we go out to eat always monitors what we are ordering, complaining the portions are so big, the food will go to waste, we 'don't need' it, and so on. She once said I give my kids too much bittersweet (I actually don't give them hardly any, a block of butter lasts weeks). Her fridge has hardly anything in it as she seems to worry she'll just eat it all.
It makes going out with her a bore as I feel I can't eat without her judging me. I do cut her off if she starts on my kids (19 and 20) though, my son does have an ED and my DD is a normal healthy weight and does not.

If she weren't divorced, I'd swear the OP's SiL was my DSis.

I have learnt to filter out her constant comments are her looks/we, mine looks/weight

I would (and have) just calmly say “to be honest I prefer not to comment on anyone’s weight or food and eating choices”.

On Repeat , and then grey rock, change the subject and don’t let it penetrate your Teflon mind shield!

If she ever asks why, tell her in a brief factual way, (e.g “I find food, weight and body image is such a sensitive subject for young women, I prefer not to perpetuate what could be an unhealthy focus. And for myself I am not interested. As long as I am healthy, that’s fine. Obviously up to you what you are interested in but I am the wrong audience for discussing what anyone else chooses to eat”).

People like this are so irritating. And the opposite of actualy anorexics, who don't want to comment on what anyone's eating, find group eating situations pretty awful and would be mortified if anyone commented on what they were eating or not-eating.

Ignore her totally. Apart from, every time you see her, tell how how well and healthy she's looking. That'll really get her goat.

""the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s"

What a thing to think!

I like this. It is actually more polite to be direct with stuff like this.

My Mum used to have a friend who was like this and it was exhausting. She would make a massive song and dance over how she wouldn’t have a slice of cake because it was “too rich” and “she couldn’t possibly eat all that” - but then she would eat it all. I think it was an attitude that was expected in the 1950s / 1960s - women were supposed to act as though they ate like birds. The world has moved on - commenting on what others eat or don’t eat is now quite rude.

MIL does it sometimes. She has dieted for years and is slim now after being "fat" as a child (a bit solid but not really fat) and overweight in her middle years. I have some sympathy with perhaps a buggered metabolism, osteoporosis and poor muscle tone but she has a real hang up about large people and doesn't always appreciate how much others need to eat and that we are not just being greedy! The thing is I really thought she looked better plump too.

Oh God this sounds utterly tedious. Yes, I do empathise with her having disordered eating - so many of us do! But I don't think I could tolerate this at every family meal.

I thankfully don't have in-laws like this, but I did work with a group of people who did the whole "sooooo much food, I won't need any dinner now" thing when eating a small plate of food. It made no sense either as none of them were what you'd call skinny (neither am I but at least I can eat a normal meal without going off on one)

This made me laugh as sounds like my own lovely mum
She wasnt really a competitive under eater and was always overweight but always used to insist she struggled to finish meals and rarely ate a biscuit or cake....but actually she just left a few salad leaves on the side of her plate!

She'd read a diet magazine and say she wasn't sure how she lose weight "eating all that" because it was more than she usually ate (it wasn't!)

I have a colleague like that, she says all kinds of inappropriate and downright bizarre things, it can be very draining!

I would call her out each time. If she hadn’t actually got an ED.
”here you go again, trying to police other people’s food again, that’s really worrying you feel the need to do that.”
”why do you always need to be the one who eats the least or weighs the least, have you gone to your gp about this? It’s worrying.”

honestly, particularly if you have daughters, I would address it straight out, ideally in front of others.

'SIL, I don't know if you realise but you make comments about how much everyone eats and everyone's dress sizes at every single meal. Can you please stop bringing it up? Not only is it incredibly boring but I don't want my dd to grow up hearing that and start focussing her worth on what she looks like or how much she eats. If you want to talk about calorie intake with friends or whatever that's fine but it's not a suitable discussion for a family meal.'

Then every time she tries again. 'SIL remember I asked that you not make comments about that?'

There's not really any come back to it that she can make without sounding like a dick. If she whines 'I didn't mean to upset anyone...' you can just say. 'I've never suggested you have upset anyone.' If she says 'It's a free world, I can talk about what I like,' you can say 'Yes, of course, but I'm sure we all agree there's a time and a place. For example we wouldn't discuss the war in Palestine when the kids are around, and I wouldn't bore you all with ranting about [insert your hobby or issue specific to your job]. If she carries on 'SIL I don't understand why you are so insistent on wanting to talk about dress sizes. Let's be honest it's not a very interesting conversation topic, is it? There are so many other things to talk about. Emily, how is your new job going?'

She sounds very sad. I’d feel sorry for her. Life can be very difficult for people who have always been judged purely on their appearance as they begin to change with age.

Honestly, I’d just smile and ignore the comments. It’s only competitive if other people buy into it.

Omg. You have my SIL.

She's constantly sneering at me while she picks at her food. The correct answer to this is 'I don't have a problem with my food thank you' and crack right on.

I avoid mine and make sure I don't sit anywhere near her.

Also order extra portions of the bill is being split equally. She can at least compensate you for her shitty behaviour.

Can I ask gently if you also have weight issues.,as I find these comments often hit harder when the listener does.

Why does it have to be about you, she has issues so leave them to her