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Original poster

To feel deflated at this offer of a long distance relationship

66 replies

littletesco · 16/06/2024 22:20

Made a big effort to turn up at a milestone birthday of an ex from 25 years ago. We have always shared mutual friends and been on good terms but not really in touch. I drove 3 hrs there just to pop in really and to show up and then stayed at a hotel.

Called in to the family gathering today (on invitation) just to say bye before leaving the area and we made actual plans to meet up soon, not leave it years etc then birthday boy gave me a hug and said I love you and "let's have a long distance relationship"

Maybe I'm just overtired but it just felt kind of insulting that my efforts to "show up" were seen as a chance to jump straight in and offer me what exactly 😭

Anyone else hear this in translation; hey now you're right here in front of me I may as well proposition you but I'll come right out and say there's no future in it and I'll never consider making any commitment to you but how about an occasional shag?

Drove 3 hours back feeling very deflated and just now thinking this is why.

OP posts:
renthead · 16/06/2024 23:44

So you're offended that he said he wants a relationship with you and doesn't just want to be your friend...? Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but that seems like the weirdest take ever on your part.

PerfectTravelTote · 16/06/2024 23:44

I don't understand why you're so upset. He'd like a relationship with you but he's hardly going to move or expect you to move without trying dating long distance first. You obviously like him. Give it a go. Don't need to make it harder than it needs to be.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/06/2024 23:44

Isn't there a huge difference between him ( male ) attending your ( male ) brother's funeral, to you ( female ) going to a ( male ) birthday party ?

did his sister also go to your brother's funeral ?

IsabelleHuppert · 16/06/2024 23:40

Wasn’t it a semi-joke? Born out of heightened emotions, genuinely touched you drove all that way, and remembering what you had ages ago?

Floralnomad · 16/06/2024 23:39

I don’t get it , I can’t see what you are offended about , if an ex drives 3 hours to attend a birthday I think I’d think they were still interested in me , it’s weird

Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 23:38

JawJaw · 16/06/2024 23:32

OP I think you should drink lots of water, have a berocca, a relaxing bath and get as much sleep as you can tonight. It sounds like emotions were rather heightened over the weekend and you might get some perspective after a day or two.

That's very kind of you...thank you for those words. Possibly you're right. I was quietly feeling emotional for other reasons then was unintentionally overloaded by a hungover guy taking a punt. I'm staying home as usual going forward. Actually not keen on emotions and I will follow this lovely advice you gave me.

OP posts:
JawJaw · 16/06/2024 23:32

OP I think you should drink lots of water, have a berocca, a relaxing bath and get as much sleep as you can tonight. It sounds like emotions were rather heightened over the weekend and you might get some perspective after a day or two.

Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 23:29

JawJaw · 16/06/2024 23:25

I’m still confused. Did you go to the celebration with the expectation that the relationship would be rekindled? It’s almost as if you think your big effort to travel so far should have been rewarded with a more romantic gesture. But that’s not really fair, or realistic.

No i didn't go to rekindle any relationship or to seek a romantic gesture of any kind. I'm not sure why it comes across this way.

OP posts:
stepfordblanket · 16/06/2024 23:25

This entire situation seems quite strange. You drove 3 hours to 'pop in' to an ex partner's birthday party a quarter of a century after breaking up. He suggests a long term relationship right before you leave (what?). And your response is sadness.

JawJaw · 16/06/2024 23:25

I’m still confused. Did you go to the celebration with the expectation that the relationship would be rekindled? It’s almost as if you think your big effort to travel so far should have been rewarded with a more romantic gesture. But that’s not really fair, or realistic.

Gymnopedie · 16/06/2024 23:20

Maybe he wanted to say something but didn't have the courage - then when he realised you were about to go he blurted it out.

GreigeO · 16/06/2024 23:18

The question is, would you be interested in a long distance relationship with him, if he had managed to word it better?

burnoutbabe · 16/06/2024 23:17

I don't see why he'd have to see you on a few weeks time and see how it went?

If he is your ex you know how it is together?

So basically he was saying he wants you back in a formal way. Not just as a fwb which is the way most of it goes.

Not sure quite what he did so wrong! I assume he was maybe a bit drunk too?

Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 23:09

downday24 · 16/06/2024 22:37

I don't really understand why you are offended when it seems more he put himself on the line?? Or was it that he didn't speak to you the rest of the time or something?? Did you spend much time together last night ?any romantic vibes ?

I suppose he did put himself on the line. It just seemed out of nowhere. No romantic vibes certainly last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 23:05

ForFirmBiscuit · 16/06/2024 22:58

I don’t understand why you made that much bother for an ex from such a long time ago, but you don’t even talk with that much

My friend said the same. I decided to go because he and his family travelled and made an effort to get to my brothers funeral a couple of years ago so when I was invited to his birthday celebration I just decided I should make the effort. And as I mentioned upthread it can often seem we do show for funerals as we get older, but not the birthdays. And this seems such a waste.

OP posts:
Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 23:02

Bellsandthistle · 16/06/2024 22:37

You’ve not really been in touch but drove three hours to his birthday? That’s quite an intense thing to do…

I'm thinking now maybe it was intense and weird of me to go. I didn't act weird or intense though so I think I got away with it . We do have a lot of mutual friends and I'm still friends with his sister. Wish I'd not gone now 😭

OP posts:
ForFirmBiscuit · 16/06/2024 22:58

I don’t understand why you made that much bother for an ex from such a long time ago, but you don’t even talk with that much

Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 22:54

Hankunamatata · 16/06/2024 22:41

As you said you made a 'big effort', I don't think it's unreasonable for him to assume you might be there for something more. Perhaps he always loved you. Perhaps you were the one who got away.

Surely it's worth a talk with him about logistics and what the future might look like to see if its worth considering

This is a fair point. I hadn't considered this. Maybe he'd had a few drinks and was hungover and just clumsy. I'm probably conflating all of my grief with this and massively overthinking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 22:51

Morningsiesta · 16/06/2024 22:43

I think because he seems happy to toss away the friendship over not much. Men always seem to do that. But on the other hand, maybe we overestimate male friendship in the first place.

I think maybe this...I went as a friend as a kind of reunion with many other people I hadn't seen for decades who had travelled from overseas etc. I popped in because I wanted to show up but knew I wouldn't want to drink or would get emotional about my bro and obviously that wasn't the time or place. I mean I stayed an hour at least and didn't arrive till well after if started.

I feel a bit as if my friendship is not a thing to be valued.

I'm wondering now if it was weird me going and I've given the wrong impression by actually attending at all. Maybe I'm the odd one 😭

OP posts:
Morningsiesta · 16/06/2024 22:43

I think because he seems happy to toss away the friendship over not much. Men always seem to do that. But on the other hand, maybe we overestimate male friendship in the first place.

TizerorFizz · 16/06/2024 22:42

I wouldn’t go 25 yards for an ex! He’s an ex but he thought you were up for it. 3 hours drive! You must have been slightly wanting something!

Original poster
littletesco · 16/06/2024 22:42

ProjectEdensGate · 16/06/2024 22:33

What were you hoping would happen when you rocked up at an ex's birthday You don't really speak to him much, but drove 3 hours to 'just pop in'? I'd be presuming you wanted to rekindle the relationship based on that behaviour.

I didn't rock up...I was invited along with a whole group of mutual uni friends and he made the effort to travel and showed for my brothers funeral which ultimately made me decide to make an effort to attend the party.

I was actually thinking well if he died I'd go to his funeral so how silly not to make the same effort for a birthday.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 16/06/2024 22:41

As you said you made a 'big effort', I don't think it's unreasonable for him to assume you might be there for something more. Perhaps he always loved you. Perhaps you were the one who got away.

Surely it's worth a talk with him about logistics and what the future might look like to see if its worth considering

saveforthat · 16/06/2024 22:41

ProjectEdensGate · 16/06/2024 22:33

What were you hoping would happen when you rocked up at an ex's birthday You don't really speak to him much, but drove 3 hours to 'just pop in'? I'd be presuming you wanted to rekindle the relationship based on that behaviour.

Yes this. Who "pops in" after a 3 hour frive to visit an ex.

Morningsiesta · 16/06/2024 22:40

I wouldn't like it either, but it could be he just spoke clumsily in the moment.

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