All I wanted when I got home from hospital was to be looked after by my dh

Surprised at the 10% YABU - really?

Men in my life aren't bellends - OH/DSs/DF/BILs/late DFIL. They are decent human beings - OP's DH isn't

^^this

Or go to someone else who will be kinder to recover - parents/siblings/friends?

He sounds awful.but be honest, the washing didn't need doing today; it could've waited.

Did the shop include alcohol?
There is part of your problem.

You need to spell it out, plain as day:

"I've had an anaesthetic and an op.. sorry but you will have to be sober (under.02) in case a driver is needed for this home. Shopping will arrive about XX and you'll need to put that away and please hang out the uniform from the washing machine. Also read the list of what possibly needs doing on the table and please be in charge of the meals for the next 24 hours - starting with a cup of tea, marmite on toast and an orange for me. I'm off to lie down. I feel like a train wreck. Thanks lovey."

If husband can't HAPPILY listen and attend to family chores when you are sick he doesn't deserve to be in the family.

“All we needed to do was look at the amount of threads on here about how much everyone was let down on Mother’s Day. Let alone everything else.”

you only offered evidence of your MN experience - not anything else.

Also I stand behind my statement that you clearly hang out with assholes. My experience with men does not reflect yours and so yours (nor mine) are the only options.

You are incredibly patronising. My outlook is not solely based on a forum i joined 35 years into my life.

Absolutely. I’ve known people like that. But I didn’t marry them and then be SHOCKED that they didn’t get miraculously better when I needed them to.

She can't change his behaviour or his character. He's obviously a selfish, nasty person. Unless he has a personal epiphany and does extensive work on himself, there is no real hope there.

Enabling doesn't create assholes. Only people who are assholes to begin with can be enabled in assholery.

Mumsnet isn’t actually representative of life. Spend your time around better people, and your outlook will be better

I knew there’d be one. Let’s not pretend that the majority of women don’t have this issue with men.

’You didn’t do xyz’

’You didn’t ask me to’

All we needed to do was look at the amount of threads on here about how much everyone was let down on Mother’s Day. Let alone everything else.

Awk love I'm so sorry. I'm chronically unwell and posts like this help me realise what a gem he is. He's so thoughtful and understanding and there are no limits to how much help he gives (and I try my best to return the effort in the ways I'm physically able).

This is just heartbreaking for you. Have you a good friend or family member who can come see you on Monday, and help out a bit and rest/hang out with them?

Your husband sounds selfish and absolutely useless. I'm sorry I don't have the answer, I just hope you're able to rest from now. Don't do the things, he can pick up the slack. I'm sorry, wish i knew what to say. 💓

“Men are fucking bellends and need instructions

just the men you know. My husband and male friends/relations are normal
adults.

Next time just tell him that you have been ordered to rest and he needs to wash school uniform and take the food in. Men are fucking bellends and need instructions.

However, if he is this useless when you’ve had surgery, then he is of no use to you at all and honestly you should speak to a solicitor about leaving him.

He's an ignorant, boorish oaf. Why are you with such a fuckwit?

He knows what your needs are at the moment but he chooses not to because the only person he cares about is himself.

she shouldn't have to ask but some people (including some women) have no medical sense and seem biology illiterate.
i've had surgeries when young (c/s) and made believe i was superwoman, just stupid and 100% my fault for giving the impression that i was above needing any help at any time.
now much older and have had 3-4 surgeries and i no longer play superwoman, i read dh the info, spell out the physical limitations, do some planning (offer to meal prep start with 100% clean bathroom and linen) and give dh some direction.
he doesn't seem to mind, asks appropriate questions and no one gets their nickers in a knot.

Well yes, but this person didn’t become a blithering idiot over night. This person has never met OPs needs and now she is mad. Setting expectations is the first part of a good relationship, if it hasn’t been done prior, now is as good a time as any.

I think the point is, she shouldn't have to ask.

He's an arsehole. You'd be better off if you left him op.

Oh feck off with this permissive bullshit, he shouldn't need instructions on how to give a shit about the health and wellbeing of the person he's supposed to love and cherish.

If a grown adult needs prior instructions on how to care about their spouse they don't deserve a fucking spouse.

so It’s possible a decent man might have been tired, having woken up early to take his wife to the hospital. Then spending the morning worrying about her having surgery. Once the rush of adrenaline is over and you get home, the body might crave sleep.

if you knew he was a decent man though, you would have given him a push and told him that he needed to get up, start the wash, and wait for the delivery. Also get you drinks and snacks. Because you would know that telling him he had responsibilities would be met with an affirmation. He might have grumbled a bit because he is legitimately tired, but he would have done everything and then done whatever else was needed.

People need to take care of each other.

It makes me angry and sad that he didn't even make you a drink or something like toast or soup and say to rest. No you're not at death's door but you are under the weather and tired.

Is he difficult to speak to? Because a tricky conversation is coming up.

Please leave. You deserve better.

lol. Ok.

I wouldn’t have married the idiot, but OP doesn’t seem shocked at his lack of awareness so has probably been enabling it for years. She’s paying for that now. At this point all she can do is try to change a lifetime of enabled behavior

Seriously? If he has to be told that a person who has just had an operation needs rest and help, he's too stupid to live. A person that stupid would forget to breathe and die of oxygen deprivation.
That isn't it. He knows. He just doesn't care.

Get well OP. Then get free. This man does not meet minimum standards of a human adult, let alone a life partner.

Did you talk to him about your needs in advance or since you got home?

some people aren’t natural caregivers and just being a martyr isn’t changing anything