All I wanted when I got home from hospital was to be looked after by my dh

As if they give a shit.

I'd be inclined to phone the hospital and tell them that I have no support at home to recover and get readmitted.

I just can't believe men sometimes? I know this was asked earlier but are they just dense or do they not care? I have lovely men in my life but now I think of it some of them probably would be like this, which is awful for their families, I also have personl experience & it's just incomprehensible that they can be so blind to the obvious, mental or physical

I don't understand really as you've not given much detail. Did you tell him in advance about the shopping delivery and ask him to deal with it? If so what did he say? Did you ask him to wash the school uniform? If so what did he say? Or did you not ask?
Him not looking after you, after an Op is poor though. You would expect any decent person to set you up on the sofa with a blanket, drink, snack etc. and the remote and ask you if you need anything etc.

You need to not do anything else and like someone else suggested get your PJ's on and get to bed. Let him pick up the slack.

Pretty sure he's an arse. He got drunk and yelled abuse in the garden. That doesn't happen by accident. If nothing else surely SURELY he would have offered OP the opportunity to get into bed or lie on the sofa with a nice cup of tea.

Is he an arse or is just emotionally dense? My DH is very willing to help but generally needs instructions and clear information.

Your H sounds like a selfish idiot...HOWEVER... my DH would do absolutely anything for me and frequently does 'nice' or 'helpful' things for me that I don't actually want him to do instead of the things I would prefer him to do. I find I have to tell him, in no uncertain words, what I need and what would be helpful because otherwise he just doesn't know.

I'm not sure whether this would have worked with yours... but maybe actually asking him to do things and telling him why you can't do it would have been the way to go?

My darling DH gets things very very wrong sometimes (thinking of the lovely meal he cooked for me when I got back from a 2-week hospital stay when my first ever chemo infusion made me dangerously ill - I wasn't able to eat it and he got upset) but he sincerely loves to do things for me, so it's easier for us both if I just tell him what I need.

he absolutely should step up without being asked but as that seems impossible then @Braindump09 you MUST rest to recover so tell him what needs done. If you answer the door to the shopping have it put in the porch/hall and then get dh up and tell him he has to put it away. Tell him to wash the school uniforms. This is about your long term health not the principle you must rest to recover.

Several posters have suggested that the OP should state what she needs from her husband.

As others have said, she shouldn't have to. However, even if she were to tell him what she expects from him, I doubt that he'd step up.

My experience of being let down doesn't relate to my husband, but to his adult children. When I had what appeared to be a serious medical problem, I phoned his daughter in order to state that he would need care if anything happened to me. (I'm realistic. I didn't expect them to offer him a home with them; I knew that it would be a care home.)

To my astonishment, I was asked "You're not thinking of leaving him, are you?"

I again stated what the situation was and gave her the number of the emergency line for the local Social Work department.

When I got the all clear, I phoned again to pass that on but also to reiterate that care would need to be put in place for DH if anything did happen to me. The response was: "But you're all right, aren't you?"

If someone is being intentionally useless, you can spell things out as much as you like - it will make not one whit of difference.

I'm a man.

OP's partner sounds like an arsehole.

Depending upon how bad my wife was (e.g. is she safe to be left alone), I'd take the kids to the park, shops, cafe, etc, so that she could sleep or potter in peace.

Look after yourself and no one else. If you have kids organise a babysitter if possible. Do nothing else.

He’s a horrible, useless person. LTB.

You're still blaming OP? Nice.

Lol. [See how that takes the sting out of things? Lol.]

For all of you saying that she needs to tell him what needs doing - do you really think this man who has knocked back 10 drinks and was yelling profanities in the garden would step up?
A man who didn't think that before he got rat arsed, he had better step up, as his wife had just come out of hospital?
I am guessing not.

Stop playing the martyr for this selfish cunt. You aren't going to teach him how to treat you by demonstration. You could try spelling it out for him, but I highly doubt that would work.

The reason being, he doesn't love you. Not because of you, but because of him. He's an arsehole lacking in the ability to care adequately for anyone. Most people would treat their worst enemy better than he treated you yesterday, out of empathy for a suffering human.

What kind of person needs to be TOLD to have their partner take it easy after an operation??? Come ON!

Leave him unless this is something you are happy to live with.

I have learnt over the years to never expect even basic care from the men in my life. Most are simply not taught how to or to even consider offering.
It's crap and sad and lonely but we need to teach our sons better.

This.

Its no use expecting them to figure this stuff out by themselves, you have to spell it out in clear terms, 'I will need you to do all this shit while I recover from my operation'. Pin a list to the fridge for good measure.

For me the worst red flag is the drinking. I'm not anti alcohol or a MN we only have a sherry on Christmas day type but he had a bucket full when you needed him so that's the arsehole selfish behaviour 💐

Your dad sounds a wonderful man and you’re right- that’s what the OP deserves.
I wish your mom a good recovery.

I'd say to him, that you were heartbroken at his behaviour. Ask him if he actually loves you or are you just the cook/cleaner/sex provider?He shouldn't treat someone he loves like that. Has he always been like that?

You have my sympathy 🩷

This happened to a friend and for her was the final straw .
Nice guy but clearly he had no respect for her when he couldn’t step up when needed and she realised relationship was dead . They divorced a year later .

Why are you staying with this selfish man - if you keep putting up with it he’s won’t respect you. Don’t be a martyr- you won’t be thanked -=

I voted YABU because you have let this happen.

He asked if you needed anything at which point you tell him you need to rest to recover and this is what needs to be done including being around to take in shopping delivery and the washing.

So yes he is in pig as someone else said but you are enabling him.

Can't get wound up by him watching the football really. It's the first Euros match and most households would be watching. I cam see why it pisses you off though because you let him walk all over you the rest of the day and that has wound you up -not the fact he is watching it.