To think that Dads who don’t care about Mother’s Day also don’t care about Father’s Day?

DH is good on Mother’s Day, great on birthdays (the baking is especially good) but couldn’t give two hoots on fathers day or his birthday as long as the weather is decent and he can do a bbq. The only only negative is it’s a pain to buy him birthday presents 😂

If someone said to me ' it would mean alot to me for xyz' - unless it was something unreasonable, then I'd really make an effort. It's the tiniest of asks. It makes me question people if they're told, they're asked - and then still don't.

I do have to wrestle this with my dislike of commercialisation of things. Because it is buying into that.

A homemade card, even a scribble drawing from a child- that to me would be quite precious. 🥰

I think it’s ironic that the concept of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are actually being used to make mothers unhappy and start arguments within families. Everyone thinks they are immune to advertising and manipulation.

Judging by the many threads on MN, there are many men who do expect adulation on Father’s Day and on their birthdays as their due but do fuck all for their female partners’ birthday and Mother’s Day, so YABU.

I don't think any of it is 'really unpleasant'. Just the normal variation of human experience and taste: I am not very materialistic; he is not uncaring and unappreciative. I would appreciate it if my husband put a bit more thought into it all, but I also understand that this is not the way he naturally is.

I just agree with the OP that if someone doesn't bother to remember Mother's Day, they often also don't care if you ignore Father's Day.

(On the other hand, I love it when my daughter sends me a thoughtful present and handmade card because that means a lot to her, and it is something we share.)

Not answering your question directly but DH and I have a nice trade off these days. I don't do fathers day for him, he doesn't do mother's day for me. If the kids want to, that's fine.

I find this really unpleasant. I don't want to buy into all the commercialisation of life.

However, it's a cop out. Someone you supposedly love tells you it's meaningful to them. And they do nothing. No. I know a few like that.

The dad’s who don’t care about Mother’s Day (and upset their partners over it by being useless), are very likely useless dads types anyway – the kind who lie in when they want, go out when they want and avoid parenting when it suits them. Why would they care about Father’s Day when every day is Father’s Day?

OP, you are so right- I have often had this thought. My husband doesn't care about gifts on special days, doesn't often get me presents and doesn't want anything on his birthday or Father's Day. My husband is always relieved if I get him no gifts because he feels vindicated for not bothering to get me gifts. I like birthday presents and a little bit of fuss, and I enjoy being on either end of the fuss- giving or receiving, though possibly giving is a bit more fun, actually.

That’s bad - if mine did that to me I’d have it sold on eBay within a day or two and then divorce him.

DS has very much taken the lead from me on how much, or how little, importance we place on occasions such as Mother's Day.
It's been my preference to keep it low key, so that's just how it has evolved.

I would like to believe that he's thoughtful enough to consider what his future partner's expectations are around Mother's Day if they have a child together. I genuinely hope he wouldn't fall short on that.

I've encountered my fair share of arseholes in my 50+ years, so I've put quite a lot into trying to ensure that DS doesn't become one of them.

Obviously, he's a teenager, so it's too soon to predict how he'll turn out as a grown man. But, we'll keep talking, and I'm fairly confident that he'll understand that what worked in our family might not necessarily work for his future family.

Can’t agree. When I was a kid I was always taken by my dad to choose a card and a present for mother’s day, but he used to say that was traditional and father’s day was made up to make money for card manufacturers and tell us not to bother.

Men care about it less I think. My Dad didn't give a shit at all, didn't want a card, didn't want a present, just wanted to be left alone to go surfing or play rugby, just like every other Sunday.

Yes, I think this is very normal!

To be honest I don't know ANY men who give a crap about father's day, or would bother with it at all if their family didn't feel they had to do something.

I do this men see fathers day differently to the way women see mothers day.

I think a lot of women see it as a sign of their kids and their partners appreciation. Which is fair enough, women are still considered the default parent in a lot of families, they should be appreciated. Which means that when not enough effort is put in, it's a big thing.

Men care about it less I think. My Dad didn't give a shit at all, didn't want a card, didn't want a present, just wanted to be left alone to go surfing or play rugby, just like every other Sunday.

I don't really care about the card or present either, I get one most years and I'm thankful, but what's important to me is spending some quality time with DD on that day, that she prioritises going out and doing something with me, rather than her friends. And talking to my mates, either one of the above is generally what they're after as well.

When you are with a narcissist, they don’t like to make a thing out of any special occasion for you but will happily accept special treatment on their celebratory days unfortunately. Two wrongs don’t make a right though and I still help my DD do something for Father’s Day because it makes her happy.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy whyhavetheygotsomany

I don’t think it’s a jump, and it sounds like the op isn’t talking about parents who are happily going about every other day, they’re talking about the ‘fuck them’ parents- the ‘you think I’m contributing to THEIR mother’s Father’s Day?!’. Huge difference!

That's rubbish. Just because they don't believe In a made up day has no relevance to being Caring parents I'm proof of that. My parents were amazing they just didn't buy in to commercialised days which are just a money maker.

I have explicitly told my dc that if they are in a relationship with someone who does value cards/presents etc, then it’s important to take their lead. I’ve let them know that people do different things in different families, and it’s important to know what your partner values.

😁😁 Bit of a jump in your reasoning there

dh does not care about mother's day but you are correct he also does not care about father's day (or valentine's day and really Christmas & birthdays too) so at least he is consistent. On the other hand if he sees something that I or the ds's might like he will tend to get it there and then rather than waiting for a designated day in the calendar to get it so not all bad. He just doesn't see the importance in cards & wrapping paper!

Right, but what will happen if your son has a child with woman who does celebrate MD? Will your son participate, or will his wife be posting on MN about how unloved she feels because her DH didn't get her anything on behalf of their child because the day means nothing to him?

You might not understand that feeling because the day doesn't hold any value to you, but it does for a lot of mothers and fathers, and it is those people who end up feeling unloved and unappreciated by partners who don't care about it.

We don't celebrate MD or FD in our family - although both of us very gratefully received the cards our DCs made at nursery and primary school.

Our two are 17 and 15 now, and we do nothing other than announce "Happy Fathers/Mothers Day" in the morning.

Your post feels quite unfamiliar to me, if I'm honest.
DH and I respect each other enormously, and our teenagers are witness to that all year round.
My (nearly) 17yo son and I spend quite a bit of time with each other, and I'm absolutely certain that he respects and appreciates me.
I work shifts - when he hears me come home at 10.30pm (4 nights a week), without fail he comes into the kitchen, asks me about my day, and I ask him about his.
We generally chat for an hour or so. The subject matter varies massively - school/work/politics/aspirations/the weather.....pretty much anything.
I love our time together, we chat and laugh, and generally put the world to rights.
This is what being "respected and appreciated" feels like to me.

I think MD and FD are important lessons for children. It is important to teach children to think of other people and it is important that children see their parents show respect to each other.

A boy who doesn't respect and appreciate his mum is less likely to respect and appreciate his wife/girlfriend when he's a man. And a girl who doesn't see her mum be respected and appreciated, isn't going to expect respect and appreciation when she's a woman.

Anecdotally from MN, there are plenty of men who make zero to very little effort for MD, but expect the red carpet rolled out for FD.