AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

Just to add - in this occasion, there was nothing to criticise. He didn’t do anything wrong.

I’d be more concerned with toughening him up than protecting his feelings. He needs to learn to take criticism. It’s a strength, it’s a very important part of life if you’re going to be successful actually. When my kids were that age, they had friends like that who were babied because mummy and daddy didn’t want to upset their previous darling, and those kids are the ones now starting to fall apart in high school because they can’t handle the feedback or the short shrift they can get from some teachers when they do badly and don’t out the effort in.

Why is this rude? She was rude to him and he was getting it off his chest. That’s exactly what an adult would do. He wasn’t saying it in front of her he just told you. Children should be able to express their feelings. You could have praised him for being honest but for being sensitive to her feelings and not saying it in front of her.

A child who says they don't like an adult should always be listened to. Children should not be forced to be around people they don't feel comfortable with

He'd done brilliantly not to say anything to your overbearing guest all weekend and when he pointed out the obvious after she'd gone you reprimanded him?

I wouldn't have reprimanded him, I'd have told him he was right! And that I'd be having words with the guest so she doesn't behave like that again.

I mean you told him his thoughts were unkind but you’ve shared your thought here that she was overbearing, bossy and strict? Doesn’t sound surprising that he wouldn’t miss her.

I think I would have just been curious and then validated his feelings. Sounds like you wanted to make sure the aunts feelings weren’t hurt but he hadn’t shared this all weekend or to the aunt so must have been aware of that and sounds like he did a good job!

I would try and repair the conversation and just explain that you were surprised but can understand why he felt that way and you are happy he shared it with you.

Easy to say after the event but the correct response in my opinion would have been praise:
‘ That’s really good you told mummy how you felt’ Then you could go on to ask why he felt that way - and about being kind and not hurting peoples feelings. Also praising him for being kind for not saying it to when she could hear. Depending on what he didn’t like about her, you could also talk about what IS kind to say to someone when you don’t like the situation you are in (I’m talking social situation here not danger).

I think you should have told the guest to back off and stood up for him at the time. She was very rude to do this, you don't go into someone's home and starting bossing members of the household around. It disempowered your son in his own home as he doesn't have the authority to tell a grown-up to stop being overbearing. He did the right thing by not being rude to her, and then tried to tell you afterwards, but was told off. Agree with PPs, after his comment you should have asked why.

You should have stopped her from being bossy

Next time I would say something like "I'm pleased you're only sharing that with me.. X would be very upset if she knew you felt that way.. but I'm pleased you told me, remember you can tell me anything".

From a safeguarding point of view it's how we manage these little, harmless, non-safeguarding disclosures that creates the right environment for them to disclose anything serious in future.

You told him off for voicing an opinion and then you told him he could voice his opinions to you. That’s a very confusing message.

Yep, this was definitely a parenting fuck up (no judgement, we all have them). I would bring it up with him again, apologise for telling him off and tell him you're really proud of him for just saying it to you and not her. Then ask him why he won't miss her and let him talk about it.

He was polite and didn’t say anything to her face. I wouldn’t have told him off. I’d have asked him why he felt that (presumably because she was overbearing) and how he’d felt during the visit. Perhaps he was upset and stressed by her presence?

What would you have said if you’d had a visitor in your home who was unpleasant to you? You’d have said something afterwards, I’m sure, even if only mild. He was reacting in a normal manner. He wasn’t rude; he didn’t say she was a horrible person; he didn’t say he hated her - he simply and politely said he wouldn’t miss her. I think that’s quite a mature way of phrasing it.

I’d tell him you got it wrong and that you now understand that she wasn’t very nice to him, and that it was ok that he said what he said after she’d gone. I’d also let him express his upset/annoyance about the visit, and try to explain a little (ie she doesn’t have children, it wasn’t personal, etc).

His thoughts weren’t unkind at all, the friend sounds annoying and he sounds amazingly tolerant for a kid- sounds like you’re doing a really good job of raising a people pleaser.

It's a shame you told him off for sharing his feelings with you, it's something that should be encouraged.
Even at 5 he's old enough to know he can talk to you about things that he wouldn't share with other people.

I think you gave him mixed messages. That he shouldn’t have shared his thoughts with you but on the other hand, he can talk to you about anything.

I would say his feelings were valid and he was sensitive enough not to say anything until after the visitor had left. We don’t have to like everyone in life but we should try to treat people respectfully.

This

Resilience is not the issue here. He's five. He's not supposed to be resilient yet.

The issue is you told him off for something absolutely fine - having a feeling and telling his mum. You shut his honest feelings down.

The correct response from you was 'I'm really pleased you can tell me about your feelings.'

This - you are assuming his comment was because she was bossy. It could be something else. My children didn’t like a friends child after he had left - turned out he has locked them in a room momentarily.
You need to ask why

Just say sorry for your reaction - you were surprised by his comment but he should definitely tell you in private if he doesn’t like an adult and why.

I agree with most of this but not the making fun of her to mske him feel better

For some kids, simply discovering or believing they did something wrong (whether they did or not) is an aversive experience and they'll feel 'told off' even if you've done no such thing. Just one of the things you'll need to navigate your way through with him. Other kids would just accept and move on very quickly.

I'd see if having another chat with him - reinforcing that he DID do the right thing and you're actually very pleased that he waited until she was gone to tell you what he thought/how he felt, and that thats a very grown up clever thing to do - is appropriate in the morning. It may help him if you actually say 'I got things a bit wrong yesterday...' so he knows everyone gets things wrong sometimes and that it IS ok!

Your kid should be able to tell you anything no matter how rude or gross or illegal it is.
tou sow the seeds for future conversations now. You can teach them about what other people might say or think but that you are ALWAYS a safe space no matter what their thoughts are

There is nothing wrong with telling them these sorts of thoughts should be kept private or just between you, better than him blurting it out to someone else.

My son has suddenly started calling people fat, he's 3, I can only assume he has picked this up at pre school as it's not something he has ever heard us say, and he obviously doesn't know what it means as he says it about people of all sizes, and we have to keep having a talk about how you don't say these things as it hurts people's feelings etc, hoping it's sinking in. I am of a larger size and he hasn't said it to me only passer bys, so he Def doesn't know what it means.

He’s entitled to his opinion just like the rest of us. He wasn’t rude or anything.