AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

We do literally the opposite with ours, they have an over bearing auntie and afterwards we always make a point of saying "X can be a little but chatty, thank you for politely listening to her, was it OK having her over,would anything have made it easier" - it gives them space to say yes/no/next time can we..... My 8 Yr old basically responded and asked if next time he could go to his room when it got too much, and we role played how he might say that in front of her so it's not unkind. It's important they can share who they are/aren't ok with, and they know you're a safe space for their emotions.

I wouldn't dwell on it though, just keep reinforcing the message that he can share things with you and that'll be what he remembers.

I wonder, OP, if your immediate reaction to try to get him to not voice these thoughts about someone is more about you? Are you a bit of a people pleaser?

You let this friend who you know to be unpleasant towards kids (though she may have lots of other lovely qualities too) come to your home for the weekend and treat your DS in a way you seem to know he won’t enjoy. You don’t stop her from doing this.

Does she also do things you find unpleasant? Or if not her, do you often put up with people who do things you don’t like without enforcing boundaries to stop them treating you that way? Do you often put up with things where some clear communication could change that but you won’t say anything because you think it rude?

When you were shutting your DS down, was that because that’s what you do to yourself all the time? Feel aggrieved but squash it and nod and smile?

This isn’t an attempt to make you feel bad about yourself, it just struck me that your realisation that your first reaction wasn’t actually what you wanted your DS to do made me wonder if maybe you could do with being able to tell people what you think too. I realise this is quite a leap from your initial post, so if it doesn’t apply, please ignore. You don’t need to defend or justify yourself if I’m off the mark.

You let your mate boss him about and then reprimanded him when he breathed a sigh of relief that she'd gone home!!

Poor kid.

I'd of said 'me to mate 😉 let's go and do something nice'

Yeah I would have asked why and used the opportunity to explore the reasons behind that feeling. I maybe would have tried to pick out some positive things from the weekend too once we’d done that but to be honest that’s probably not right either as probably best to just let them feel the feelings without putting a positive spin on it but that’s something I struggle with! Obviously if he’d said anything in front of her then that would have been different. Also, sorry to go to a dark place, but if someone is being told they have unkind thoughts or saying unkind things about someone, then they are less likely to come forward if something really awful was happening to them in secret. Especially if it was being done by a family member or friend that they might be worried about saying bad things about.

Excellent points here.

Sorry yeh you’re being unreasonable. He waited till she was gone and told you. Thats what you said he could do but you’ve just told him off for that. You should have asked him why. He probably wanted to talk to you about why she wasn’t nice to be around. Unfortunately now you’ve made yourself an unsafe person to share his feelings with and that’s very dangerous. He needs to be able to tell you everything. Not to be dramatic but what if he has these feelings about someone who was inappropriate with him? Itll still be the same thought of “wow I won’t miss them” but he doesn’t think he can talk to mummy about it because she told him off. Even now you’ve tried to back peddle. Defo need to patch that up very quickly and apologise.

You shouldn't be shaming him for 'unkind thoughts' either.
How are his thoughts unkind?
None of this makes sense.
You say much more 'unkind' things about your guest than he did.
Maybe you should be taking lessons from your charming child rather than trying to change him for the worse?

Absolutely.

He very kindly told you this after your first had left. You tell him off even though he was very polite and discrete about your guest.
You then post on here saying you DO want him to do exactly what he did do

I think that he should be free to tell his mum how he honestly feels. I can tell my mum what I truly think and feel, as can my kids with me.

Playing with kids isn’t something everyone automatically knows how to do so I’m saddened that when you knew she was being too bossy towards your son, you didn’t show her how to play more appropriately with him.

That would have prevented your second problem arising and shown your DS that you’re looking out for him too.

I would be asking why and not have someone around my child they felt this way about especially if it’s unusual for him to say that about visitors. It’s giving red flags!!

You contradicted yourself - your thought is right, but chose your words wisely. You implied that what he said wasn't nice and shouldn't be done, "I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud." Then you said "ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to" that's what did, so why first imply he did the wrong thing?!! Your response would have been appropriate if he'd said something in front of the guest, but as he didn't you gave a weird mixed message.

I think he was very sensitive to not have told her to her face that he didn’t enjoy her company, even though it sounds like that was probably warranted by someone to step in.

You could always go back to him and apologise, explain you’ve thought about the situation and his thoughts were valid and he can always express these things to you.

If there’s a next time with this guest then be prepared to step in to point out her behaviour instead maybe? It sounds like the visit was more unpleasant for your son than her so it would be his feelings I’d try to spare in future.

Your son did the right thing - he told you honestly how he felt and he did so only when you were alone, so no chance of her overhearing. Telling him that he shouldn't say such things was IMHO wrong. If he can't tell you how he feels about an adult, who can he tell? What if it was something worst, something more sinister? You basically told him that he can think it but don't say it. I think you need to reverse that with him. You should also have stepped in when your friend was becoming overbearing with him. Safeguarding your child is your job.

So @Coolcoop now you know he DOES NOT enjoy his time with her, and you know it’s for good reason, what will you do in future?

It is so important that children learn to trust their instincts and to be honest about their feelings. It's almost like gaslighting to tell someone they should be guarded about the way they feel. It could have led to a great conversation if you'd asked him why he wouldn't miss your friend. Kids sometimes see things that we don't. You might have learned something - about your child if not anything else.

Exactly.

Yes, that’s a fair point.

Another angle on this OP. Your guest sounds like she was overstepping the mark with how she handled your son, and you sound like you did nothing to correct this. You let your son take the hit of this so that your guest’s feelings were not hurt, and so you did not have to deal with a situation you would have found uncomfortable in talking to her about this.

You sound like you have extreme people pleasing issues, which your automatic instinct is to pass onto your son, by teaching him he cannot say he dislikes anyone, even when they can’t hear it, as it might hurt their feelings. His feelings don’t matter and must stay hidden and silent, but other people’s feelings do matter.

I think you need to work on your own assertion of boundaries, so that you can teach your son that it’s ok for him, at times, to prioritize his own thoughts and feelings.

Or you could have said: "You are entitled to your feelings - thank you for being kind enough not to say it in front of her - that was very sensible and grown up."

He has just done a good thing and gets a lecture - he absolutely "did the right thing" and got rapped over the knuckles for it when he should have been praised.

Go tell him how good he has been and you are proud of him.

He sounds very mature for a 5 year old. He didn't say anything hurtful, or turned on the other person 'she is horrible', but articulated it via himself I won't miss her'. Be glad he can share his feelings with you.

Maybe I worded it wrong. I do enjoy playing with them but I do it for THEM not me. So if they don’t want to play, that’s fine, I’m not going to be upset about it. My stepson does things a bit like this sometimes - he will deliberately seek an adult out to play with him, give the impression that he is having fun (and I fully believe him to be) and then afterwards will complain about it (usually the reason he gives for not liking the adult is that they are fat but that’s a whole different story). So it reminded me a little of that. My guess is the friend played with them to be kind to them and if the boy hadn’t wanted to play that would have been fine. No good deed goes unpunished.
And having a “safe” adult doesn’t mean you can say unkind things about someone without being reminded that you shouldn’t.

What you’ve done is establish a situation where when an adult makes him feel uncomfortable, he won’t feel like he can tell you.

We all make parenting. missteps, I would use this as an opportunity to apologise and explain that I make mistakes sometime but he did exactly the right thing both in telling me his feelings and in saying it privately to me.

If he didn’t say it to or in front of your visitor, then even at 5 he’s already grasped the distinction between thinking something and saying it to someone’s face, which I think deserves minor praise rather than a reprimand.

I’d have used it as a stepping off point to a conversation about why exactly he wasn’t going to ‘miss her’, what was it about her behaviour he didn’t like etc.

I’d just tell him you were wrong, it was fine to tell you how he felt, and you’re proud of how he only said it once she was gone and couldn’t hear it.