AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

You contradicted yourself. You told him he can tell you his thoughts not a minute after telling him to keep his thoughts to himself.

"...it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to"

Which seems to be exactly what he did.

I think the ‘why’ question here is important because his impression might be quite different to yours. Even with his own peers at school he’ll find people he doesn’t do well with and will want to talk through to understand that especially as he gets a bit older. 4/5 year olds are still a bit unsophisticated but by the time they’re 7-8 they’re having to process some really complex stuff about people and friends. I’ve had so many discussions re friendships, relationships with teachers etc etc. sometimes my child is being unreasonable and needs to understand that- other times she’s not and the validation helps her process her own feelings.

I think saying to keep thoughts to yourself is a bit of a difficult and illogical message to send to a 5 year old.

Appreciate why you’ve done it but that age will take that literally.

However you corrected what you said and told him to tell you what he’s thinking so I wouldn’t worry about it.

All parents do or say things and think “could have maybe said that slightly differently”.

I think he should be allowed to
express his feelings. If she made him feel that way, maybe she needs to hear it. Might teach her not to be so abrupt with other people’s kids

You've basically just told your son to keep his feelings about someone to himself so if someone makes him uncomfortable or upset he can't tell anyone because that's unkind , also his feelings and thoughts don't matter ... Well done

Personally I'd have said well done for keeping that in until the person had left. And had a conversation about it so they don't think it's ok to talk just just anyone behind people's backs but it's ok to talk to me about anything (in a child friendly way obviously). However I don't think you're wrong for what you said. Maybe apologise for upsetting him and move past it ❤️ things like 'wrong doings ' (even though he wasn't being told off) stick in a sensitive child's mind for a long time. My 7yo is the same. Xx

Don't worry about it. The next time he says something like this you will respond differently.

I would have a chat with him today, maybe give him an ice cream or something and when you are sitting together eating it say "do you remember what you said about StrictLady? Actually, I agree with you, she can be a bit strict, but that's because she doesn't have children. But you were right to tell me you weren't happy. Sometimes I can make it better, sometimes I can't, but you should definitely always tell me"

Yes, I get your point, necessary is hard to clearly categorise at 5. But you can start landing it. The point is that just 'but I'm just telling the truth' isn't a good enough reason to say something cutting out loud!

Frankly I wish more adults knew this too.

I think 'necessary' is much too subjective /nuanced a category for kids to navigate, surely?

I find it odd that you effectively told him off for saying his thoughts out loud (to you), then said that it was ok to say his thoughts out loud to you !!
I imagine you completely confused him because you’ve completely contradicted yourself.
My opinion is that my DD can say anything about anyone however nasty to me, because I’m her safe space, then we’ll discuss why she feels that way about them & what she could maybe do about it.

You were so in the wrong here

I wouldn’t have told him off. He was sharing his private thoughts with you and that’s fair. If he had said it Infront of the visitor again and again and made the visitor feel uncomfortable then I may of corrected him. You would hope your kids always share their real opinions with you

I think it's important to start teaching them the kind/truthful/necessary triangle; if the thing you want to say doesn't fit into two of those boxes, don't say it.

I would bring it up again and say he’s of course allowed to tell you his thoughts and feelings. It would be really validating for him if you said you could understand why, too. Then, obviously just remind him not to say all his thoughts in front of others if they might be hurt or take offense.

You’re overthinking it

Never discourage a small child for telling you what he thinks of someone. He may come into contact with someone with bad intentions and won't tell you for fear of being unkind.

You’ve just shamed him for being honest with you which is very wrong. He waited until she was away and then told you which means he does understand that it would be unkind to say if she was there so it was unnecessary for you to say this. You have to be careful because the kind of thing you’re telling him could make him a people pleaser in the future or worse not feel safe opening up to you if he’s had a bad day or if someone did something or said something to him that he didn’t enjoy. It’s actually terrible you told him to keep his feelings bottled up inside if he doesn’t feel safe telling you them who is he going to tell them too? Imagine you had a bad day at work or had a gallon out with a friend or just anything and told your partner and all they said was what you said that it should have been an inside thought. Different if he’s calling her fat to her face or something but he’s not he’s confided in you and you’ve just fobbed him off.

Adults say stuff like this all the time. They talk about how much they dread events/ the company of certain people and how glad they are that something is over. They wait until certain people are out of ear shot and then express their relief at not having to spend time with those people any more.

Children express their feelings in the same way as we do, but somehow it’s wrong/rude for a child to do it? I’d be glad my child is telling me so that I can look at why my child doesn’t like that person/ limit how much my child has to spend with that person and even wonder whether my child even has to spend time with that person again. A lot of the time, children just go along with things, but we adults can put people we dislike at arms length and keep people away. Children can’t do that the same because they’re not in charge. I wouldn’t have my son spending time with her again if he doesn’t like her. Especially if she isn’t really anyone significant.

But I get it. People all around us judge us mums on our parenting and no doubt there would be people pulling their faces saying what a “rude little boy” he was just because he’s a child talking about an adult, so you was just I guess worrying about what others might think. But I think you have a lovely little boy who was just saying how he feels and didn’t keep it bottled up inside. He said it all in confidence to you.

Yet you've told us she was strict and bossy. Its ok to think those things, just keep them to yourself dear.

I don't think that they're unkind.

At 5 he won't have the vocabulary to describe what he actually felt but presumably saying he wouldn't miss her meant that he was relieved she was going because he found it overwhelming/stressful and wanted his space back.

Adults often feel the same about visitors when they're leaving and they can express that to other adults and most (all?)of them understand.

I mean you have probably confused him now. He did say it privately.. to you and then you told him off but then told him he can say those things to you only ... Even I'm confused by that!

It was decent of him to wait until an appropriate moment. And sounds like your friend was awful so he was right to express an opinion about it.

Well, the fact you are thinking about how you react as a parent says to me that YANBU....we are all human and that would have been my natural reaction as well.

Thinking about it, perhaps you could say something along the lines of "well don't for being thoughtful and not saying that when she was here". He was probably just pleased to have the family unit back to normal, I doubt it was personal.

I don't think it was a particularly unkind comment tbh.

It's pretty much along the lines of "thank goodness they've gone" isn't it?

Doesn't mean you don't care & don't want to see the person again but the visit was long enough & you want your house/routine back!