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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For being upset at what DP said to his friend?

393 replies

summerOnes · 16/06/2024 16:26

DP is asleep on the sofa and his phone was next to me charged up. He kept getting messages from his best friend, like one every second saying “reply quick” so I went onto the messages to see if it was anything serious so I could tell DP.

Long story short I’ve just read a conversation that went like this.

His friend “how was Amsterdam, did you go to the red light district” (we went amsterdam last week week)
DP “yeah there were so many fit birds there”
His friend “There is isn’t there🤣”
DP “yeah I’m so glad I went with (my name) otherwise I’d be skint🤣”

Ive come upstairs because I am fuming. He’s still asleep downstairs and I know when I mention it to him he will say he was joking. But would anyone else take it as a joke? Am I over thinking and just put it down to lads having “banter”

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 16/06/2024 19:53

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Mumsnet is very vanilla. Surely OP knows if her husband means it or is just joking around

beckybarefoot · 16/06/2024 19:53

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How old are actually? Sorry I'm annoying you?

Screamingabdabz · 16/06/2024 19:52

Fargo79 · 16/06/2024 19:48

This thread is depressing. So many women tolerating and excusing the low quality men they are saddled with, just because they don't want to admit they picked a dud. There are intelligent, interesting, thoughtful, cultured, respectful, enlightened men out there. I wish people wouldn't insult them or normalise the crappy ones by peddling this myth that misogynistic lad culture is what all men are like. It really isn't. They can, and should, be better.

Couldn’t agree more. The men in my family - all down to earth WC men - do not talk about women like that. “Fit birds”? If you think ALL men speak like that to each other like that then I feel sorry for you and your kids.

summerOnes · 16/06/2024 19:49

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Fargo79 · 16/06/2024 19:48

This thread is depressing. So many women tolerating and excusing the low quality men they are saddled with, just because they don't want to admit they picked a dud. There are intelligent, interesting, thoughtful, cultured, respectful, enlightened men out there. I wish people wouldn't insult them or normalise the crappy ones by peddling this myth that misogynistic lad culture is what all men are like. It really isn't. They can, and should, be better.

beckybarefoot · 16/06/2024 19:47

summerOnes · 16/06/2024 19:38

@FuckTheClubUp 😴 he was asleep and I did try waking him up at the same time. My name caught my eye in the message which is why I saw what I saw👍🏼

That old chestnut eh?

museumum · 16/06/2024 19:43

Context is everything. In my relationship with my husband it would be a slightly ironic joke. A bit like me saying id run off with cormoran strike.
But I know for various reasons that dh would not pay for sex in Amsterdam. If I had any doubts at all that he might I’d be less relaxed about the banter.

MushroomStamp · 16/06/2024 19:43

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dapsnotplimsolls · 16/06/2024 19:42

YANBU for being upset. You probably need to bring it up with him but be aware he might just turn it into a 'how dare you invade my privacy' conversation.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/06/2024 19:41

To all those people saying OP shouldn’t look at her partner’s phone - I’m astonished. My DP and I sometimes share phones as there’s nothing on them which we would want to hide from the other person. It’s not lack of trust - sometimes it is just convenience.

Secondly, the DP’s response is crass and vulgar but it’s not a LTB moment. It is probably a time for the OP to consider her values and if they align with DP’s. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who spoke about women like this but unfortunately there are far too many men who think this is acceptable.

FuckTheClubUp · 16/06/2024 19:40

summerOnes · 16/06/2024 19:38

@FuckTheClubUp 😴 he was asleep and I did try waking him up at the same time. My name caught my eye in the message which is why I saw what I saw👍🏼

Whatever you say👍👍

Growlybear83 · 16/06/2024 19:38

I don't really see what your partner or his friend did wrong. The only person who should feel aggrieved is your partner because you've snooped on his messages. If you saw that he was getting lots of messages which might have been urgent, surely you would take the phone to him and wake him up rather than taking it upon yourself to read his messages.

summerOnes · 16/06/2024 19:38

@FuckTheClubUp 😴 he was asleep and I did try waking him up at the same time. My name caught my eye in the message which is why I saw what I saw👍🏼

OP posts:
localnotail · 16/06/2024 19:38

The whole set up of the Red Light district is quite gross and off putting, and I cant imagine any well adjusted, decent human being wanting to buy sex there. But - I think OP's partner is just saying what is expected of him, being a "lad" etc etc. If this is the only weird thing he's done, I would ignore it.

Gymnopedie · 16/06/2024 19:37

And no respectable married woman, in a bar with her equally respectable married friend, has ever looked at a fit bloke and asked 'I would, would you?'

BeardyButton · 16/06/2024 19:37

Is ‘banter’ short have for creepy misogyny these days?

Whistledown1004 · 16/06/2024 19:37

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And this is why male misogyny exists because it gets dismissed as "lads will be lads" "lad banter". If we just go along with the "joke" we are just as bad.

No! It needs to be called out its not ok. 1. For taking about sex workers as if a piece of meat 2. Talking so disrespectfully about your partner and that you would openly cheat with a sex worker.

No funny

PracticalLady · 16/06/2024 19:36

I would assume it was a joke, but then never let him go to Amsterdam without you, ever!

FuckTheClubUp · 16/06/2024 19:34

Some messages saying ‘reply quickly’ and instead of picking up the phone, taking it to your DP and saying ‘so and so wants you, sounds urgent,’ you go through the phone instead?🤣 just say you went through his messages because you waned too

Always28 · 16/06/2024 19:34

I would be really upset and pissed off by those messages. I’m sure my DH would be equally pissed off and hurt if I wrote anything similar to my friends. Its horrible. I guess different people have different expectations but I wouldn’t be ok with that.

klobbs · 16/06/2024 19:34

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Nah there are massive issues and plenty of trafficking still. Also crooked cops.

I don’t deny that it’s probably much worse in other places though.

YouveGotAFastCar · 16/06/2024 19:31

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Football, their toddlers and the occasional sports mention, for my husband and his friends.

Ineedaholidayyyy · 16/06/2024 19:31

Yellowvelvetpop · 16/06/2024 19:15

My DH would NEVER text something like that. He’s a twat in other ways but this is one area he is fantastic at.

Ditto , mine can be a completer arsehole sometimes, but no, him and his mates don't text shit like this .

NaughtyBoyGeorgeMichaelJacksonBrown · 16/06/2024 19:29

I agree with pp that this is normal chat and jokes for men.

Which is why I will never go near one romantically again.

I pity all women that put up with sharing air with men who 'banter' like this.

Libertysparkle · 16/06/2024 19:27

I can understand why you looked at his phone. Although I guess if an emergency he would have been phoning rather than texting.

Unfortunately I do think it's a joke between friends. I don't understand it as I'd never joke to a friend like that.

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