To want to ask my ND partner to tone it down without upsetting him?

It's not his responsibility to educate you about autism or adhd.

If you wanted to know him you could ask him, you could also use Google.

My autism tends towards the introvert, not talking variety (unless I’ve had a couple of drinks), my husband’s is more the never shuts up type. When I get home from work or a social event, I need a period of quiet, and preferably solitude, to recharge.

When we first moved in together I had to tell him that I just couldn’t deal with his brain dump as soon as I walked in through the door. We agreed that I’d get at least half an hour to decompress after which he could give me the daily debrief. We’ve been living together for 25 years now. I still need regular periods of alone time. He still needs to regularly info dump on me. It doesn’t mean we’re not compatible, it just means we needed to talk about it, to agree how both our needs could be met.

It's a tricky one. Personally, I think ND people need partners who understand them from the start otherwise the relationship will just damage both people. I'm autistic and also have ADHD. I used to talk a lot as a child, but I was shut down and even told to shut up so often that I developed extreme anxiety around speaking to people. I'm pretty much mute around anyone who isn't a close friend now.

So, I'm probably biased, but I don't think it is right to ask someone to change an aspect of their personality just because you don't like it. If it is going to be an issue for you, you are free to end the relationship.

YANBU

He would rather you have a gentle word with him about letting people speak and perhaps coming up with a code word for if he’s talking too much.

Say that you (and they) love how chatty he is because it puts them at ease (which it probably does) but that it’s ok to let others speak too.

I have worked with ND kids for many years and they aren’t just allowed to talk constantly, else it would be absolute madness.
We practice listening to others because that’s part of having a conversation.

When you’re an adult it’s difficult to know whether you talk too much or not and so it’s really helpful to have someone to help you.

I am the opposite and often will give 1 word answers and people will joke with me that it’s like getting blood out of a stone.

I don’t find this offensive, as it just reminds me that I need to make an effort and elaborate more to have a ‘normal’ conversation.
So perhaps you could tell him in a jokey way if that’s his personality.

You’re incompatible. You expect him to mask around you and you’re family and that is exhausting and ultimately breeds resentment.

Equally you deserve a relationship that doesn’t involve you needing to manage your partners behaviour, and where you don’t feel embarrassed if your other half.

There's a whole couple of threads in Relationships on how to cope with a partner who is ND or similar, might be worth a read to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.

He might've just been over excited and/or anxious. He doesn't know your parents so he will find it harder to pick up on social cues and expectations that is the norm for your family.
I think you just need to be more direct and open, yet do it in a respectful and kind way. You'll know for next time. For example saying 'everyone is really tired after the event. My dad usually has a nap, my mum usually does a crossword, so we need to just give them that quiet time before we come together for dinner. I'm looking forward to reading my book in peace for half an hour'.

Well you don't have a clue, do you?

Don't be with someone if you don't like who they are, but to say ND people 'should know' automatically how deal with social situations a ridiculous comment. I myself could never have a relationship with someone so ignorant.

OP he was likely nervous as it was the first time and it made him forget about what you'd spoken about before. He took it well before and compromised so I think he'll be ok letting him know your family are the same as you, they thought very highly of him and it's not a criticism of him.

My daughter is 20 and I still remind her that sometimes every needs a bit of quiet, she is also very, very chatty!

But ultimately this is who he is, it's not fair to try change him but very reasonable to expect to work together to find a middle ground that suits you both, the same as all relationships.

OP, you don’t tell him to be something he’s not (ie NT); you explain to your parents/family that the person you are seeing, that you love, that makes you happy is ND. The way this can manifest when he is stressed and/or in new situations (like meeting them ) is …[insert data here]… but you know that because they love you they will try to make him feel safe and not take offence if he says/does something that seems odd.

The end.

You've said it much more succinctly than me 😂 for which thank you!

Yes, I do agree with you there.

Nobody has to be accepted no matter what, but equally there does need to be some level of understanding towards neurodiversity and how ND individuals may want to change but may need extra support in order for that to happen.

When you say "improve this" does this also cover adjusting your behaviour to this situation as an option?

I think the last sentence is one of the most relevant on this thread 👏🏻

TBF fieldsofbutterflies I also talked way too much (still do a bit) because my similarly autistic mother told me you Must Make Conversation and I feel her shouting at me in my head when I don't 😳

Seriously though, I've noticed a growing "accept me exactly as I am or fuck off" mentality across a lot of social media, be it in autism or body shape or gender. I am distrustful of it as I think it has the potential to be a selfish and self-limiting way to live.

I do think OP owes her partner the courtesy of clear communication and the respect of believing him to be capable of understanding it. He may not be able to, or want to, change his behaviour. But he absolutely deserves the chance to decide that for himself.

@HalebiHabibti In my experience the issues around changing only occur when there is an issue with whether the change can happen or is something that is a part of their ND. It can be offensive when ND people are immediately felt to be unable to learn social situations but conversely there are ND people who can't change and they need those accommodations to be available to them so they need to be available to all ND people so those in need don't have to fight for them in an already difficult world.

My DH and DD are poles apart in terms of care needs. He rarely needs accommodations but she always will. But when he does need them they are there without him having to fight for them at a point where he is already overwhelmed.

It's very common for autistic people to over-compensate in social situations - it's a form of masking and something I'm definitely guilty of.

Small talk is seen as being sociable and "normal" whereas sitting in silence is often seen as being rude. If he struggles with small talk and doesn't feel comfortable in silence, he may be chattering away because he feels it's better than the alternative.

There's a huge difference between "screaming fury" and someone who just talks a bit too much, though 😬

No, they're saying what works for them.

I'm saying from your posts that you're only replying positively to the ones who suggest he can change and not the plenty of posters who highlight that it is part of him and not a choice. That masking comes at a cost. That telling someone you say you love is only acceptable to you and your family if he changes. Perhaps you're the one that needs to change?

I'm saying asking him to change for you is like asking someone in a wheelchair to get up.

If you've spoken to one autistic person, you've spoken to one autistic person. You started a thread for opinions and you've got them. You could also Google... Like you could have at any point in the last year... As a way of showing how much you care for him, to find out more.

Being told you're OK only as long as you fit a mould is extremely damaging. Love is acceptance.

Signed
Also an autistic person... Unless you're telling me I'm wrong? Tongue firmly in cheek.

He managed to stay quiet for your holiday period but he's proven he can't do this all the time.

I've got family members like him. The difference is we can say "stop bloody talking " and they accept this without arguments.

Your brain is wired as it is and his brain is wired as it is.

Good luck if you think a therapist is going to sort out his brain.

As a slight segue, I'm intrigued by the suggestion that my partner must accept me exactly as I am and is a horrible nasty person if he doesn't. I couldn't clean, or really cook, or deal with arguments in any way other than screaming fury when we first got together. We've both evolved a lot over the years and I in particular have come a bloody long way. I find it frankly offensive to imply that ND people aren't capable of at least trying to change their behaviour. My son is autistic too and I encourage him to at least try to learn new social skills every day - I'd be a terrible mother if I said "Oh never mind them darling, they must accept you exactly as you are." That's a stupid way to behave imo.

The best thing to do is talk about it with your partner. My DH is ND and struggles with social situations so over the years we have talked about how he feels he might need support and I help him with that. The important thing is that it is lead by him so he doesn't feel pressure to be anyone other then himself.

In the scenario I mention my mum had her puzzle book out and I had my actual book but he kept talking.

Lots of autistic people find it difficult when situations change very suddenly - he may find it hard to go from "lots of chatting" to "sitting in silence", especially if that change wasn't explained to him beforehand.

So, spell it out to him. "Mum and dad want a quiet hour to themselves before dinner, so why don't you go off and do X and meet us at the restaurant at seven?"