I dread weekends

This is my dd. She's a brilliant masker and when she meets new people they think she's amazing. We went through childminders like no one's business, even ones who specialise in challenging children. First 6 months were a breeze then when she feels comfortable, bam! Out comes the behaviours and we lose yet another cm.

She's now under social services has an ADHD diagnosis, has EHCP and is in a specialist school as she was the same in mainstream school.

What I would say is get her under chams asap, speak to child services and your gp, ask for referrals and be a monumental pain in the arse with any service that will listen.

Also structure is very important to my ddc we have a chart as to what she is doing when, even down to what is for tea at what time, any change to the set routine for the day worsens her behaviour. She likes to know what her week looks like almost to the hour.

Consequences also make no difference what so ever, she doesn't understand they x behaviour will result in y, thinks the word sorry absolves her of any wrong doing and thinks once it's said it all goes back to normal. What I have found is that if she wants something, we can use that as a carrot. If she has a good week she'll get x on Friday. But she is now almost a teen so she understands a bit better. However we've also found that her suppressing her behaviour to get x, will result in severe challenging behaviour the week after. So it's really a rock and a hard place.

This is my son! My daughter was intense but it calmed down at 2.5. I expected my sons behaviour to but it has got worse
He turned 3 last month and HV has referred him to the child behaviour development unit and I surprisingly have a an appointment very soon.

My sister is autistic but presented very differently but I know in my heart this is autism.

I know exactly how you feel! We have the ice cream melt down daily. Meltdowns and tantrums screaming lasting for hours. My 6 year old is thoroughly fed up.

Half a hour ago (it's a late day/night because of Eid)
I had enough of the screaming I just started crying in the car and he shut up and held my hand and told me it's ok. Looked at me in my eye and said sorry mummy I try tomorrow

Like I'm so confused and heartbroken by this situations and I hate the feeling that overwhelms me when he wakes up bouncing demanding everything and yet nothing at the same time because he's confused.

I feel you. You are not alone x

My son is the same. He refuses to cry. And that has been difficult as it took some teachers time to warm to him in primary school. You always get sympathy when you cry as a child. His high energy and sense of fun has helped alot with age.

Try lose the guilt. You have to acknowledged that parenting children in our situation is absolutely exhausting in every way. You need the break so keep doing it. It really will improve in time.

The gaslighting is real unfortunately and I really had to stand firm against everyone saying this was a parenting issue or due to other factors. I feel you really will have a long battle and a ridiculously long wait for an assessment via the NHS.

It's no problem at all. I know how lonely and confusing it can be. ❤️

My son doesn't have an echp. I knew I'd never get one as the SENCO is awful and provided no evidence at all to support my application for an NHS assessment. Luckily the observation in school which I paid for showed a few struggles. I then said t the school, please accommodate this. He has a great teacher who allows him to get up and exercise or move about a bit more. Academically he's one of the brightest in class and does really well. We have secondary in September so this obviously is going to be tougher.

It will get better and the meltdowns will lessen. If you can get an assessment and diagnosis in time for your little one starting school you're armed then and can ask for any extra support they may need.

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OP

On top of what everyone else is saying...

One issue is that the tactics most suited to deal with your younger son eventually means that he has most of your time and attention.
And that can be to the detriment of your older son, at worst he could become a 'glass child' (roughly sibling of a disabled child who gets most of the parents attention).

Can you try to prevent that somehow. Could you have your younger son in nursery some additional days. On those can you spend time with the older one in the afternoon just the two of you.
Or can the grandparent(s) have your younger son on a weekend day (instead of a day in the week, where he'd be in nursery). So your older son can get time with both you and his dad (where attention isn't all on his brother).

Oh and read up on SPD. Age 3 I paid for a private sensory trained OT to assess and advise. Changed my life. If what youbrads resonates there is a sensory processing Facebook group too

I haven't read the full thread but I have a PDA child. Sounds like yours. And I hated my life with him age 2-7. You always love them but it's fucking hell raising them. When he was 3 I would wake up and cry because I had to get through another day. I think I could have coped but the gaslighting off professionals did just as much damage. Nobody would listen. He did half a term of reception and they kicked him out- he is 7 now and still no school place. I've lost my ability to work. My partner couldn't cope and now I'm single. It's decimated my life. But again I say it's the dismissal from professionals then the no school place fighting the LA over that that's done the most damage. I paid privately for assessment when he was 5 and used that to go for the EHCP. He has an EHCP now but still no school.

I would say about 6 months ago he got some self control and now while highly challenging is easier to live again. It took a lot of fucking work on my part getting him to this point.

Read Ross Greene. Plan b.

Read up on how to direct a child without giving demands.

Pick your battles.

Start saving for private assessments and a legal challenge against the LA because there are so many kids who need Sen support if you don't pay for it yourself and fight then no one will help.

Join Facebook groups for ODA parents and EHCPs and not fine in school. Other parents are by far the best support and can actually give you helpful advice. If you truely are dealing with PDA the advice off HV etc will likely make things worse.

It does get easier as they get older. I do remember two being really hard and ds going to holiday club for three full days every holiday. It was the only way I could cope.
With the food I found it easier to give all the food they would get for the that meal at the same time. If the pudding was eaten first fine , the rest would have to be eaten afterwards. I also didn’t worry if the same meal was eaten all the time. Food issues have massively changed for the better since starting school.
To pass the time at weekends and holidays we would go with a good picnic to a fairly empty area of countryside for a few hours and it was then child led so we might paddle, collect leaves or sticks etc. This seemed to take the stress out of the day and even now he’s happy doing similar

It's really stressful as it is but the judgement you can feel makes this so much harder for you. I really empathise. I used to get upset thinking my son would be beating me up based on the strength of the meltdowns. He's so loving and kind and compassionate and the teachers love him due to his insight. I didn't envisage that at all. Your feelings are normal!

Your child definitely fits the PDA profile of Autism. I second the explosive child. This approach is important because traditional parenting doesn't work.
Age 2.5 is a blur in many ways so I forget how well you can communicate with your child at this age. Opportunities to exercise really helped I remember. I had a wonderful home start volunteer come once a week and helped with play. She was great. Use nursery or whatever childcare you can to give yourself a break. It's absolutely exhausting.

My son is still high energy but it's manageable. He loves football and exercise which solves that. I always did see a correlation between sugar and severe hyperactivity with my son. I know it isn't always easy to manage that.

Letting the smaller things go is probably the best thing I can advise at this age. I got hung up on traditional parenting expectations which were a huge waste of time and energy. E.g eating at the table and no TV. Many of us allow our kids to eat with a screen which sounds horrifying to some but it meant at one point my son would eat! Now I always let him eat and watch TV. It's very regulating for many Autistic people.

DC1 was difficult from the off but he changed from ‘high maintenance but still within the realms of normal’ to ‘absolutely impossible to manage’ at 2.5. He’s still extremely difficult now at age 4. He’s not so violent, but he is defiant, hyperactive, impulsive, controlling and emotionally volatile. He craves 1:1 attention at all times.

He was also a good masker, appearing sociable at school although he was prone to naughtiness and didn’t seem to care about being told off. Pre school are slowly yet surely seeing everything we see at home.

We are awaiting ASD and ADHD assessment. He most definitely fits the PDA profile

Look up ‘The Explosive Child’ (book) and ‘At Peace Parenting’ (on instagram) and The PDA society website. Best resources I have found for behaviour management. Standard parenting techniques won’t work.

Before throwing money at a private diagnosis I would use the money to get an OT assessment. Has been v useful for us.

I hope you don't think my comment about parenting was a criticism? I can see now it could be read that way. I didn't mean that though. I just meant that a diagnosis can take a while and you will need to find out techniques to 'manage'/ be with him that suit his personality anyway. Parenting courses are useful for all sorts of people - I had some when my DD was small (now diagnosed with ASD) and learned a lot of useful and compassionate techniques.

OP for now I'd think about how you can make the weekends more bearable for you all. I'd recommend a divide and conquer approach. Split the time up so each of you have 1:1 with each child in and out of the house, and so you each have a few hours without kids out of the house too. Even an hour or two's peace with a Costa for example.

My youngest is relentless like this. I get it.

You can go down the diagnosis route if you want, but the answer is going to be how you parent him whatever the outcome. I would start by looking at what parenting courses your LA offers and if you have any support groups locally. It is techniques and approaches you need.

In the meantime I would do some heavy love bombing as this can make you feel differently as well. Make sure you're spending lots of time with him in your own, being actively loving and affectionate. Fake it til you make it.

He was 9 years old. His social struggles are what made it more obvious to me and fed into the assessment. Before this age most boys were a bit hyper and running around being silly so I always thought definitely ADHD but really didn't realise autism. He didn't have any learning struggles so it was never flagged. He's always looked in my eyes. I didn't realise he was struggling to with some strangers. I think I was in a bit of denial.

During childhood he was absolutely full on non stop and was jumping about from morning to night. It was incredibly difficult. Emotional regulation was a huge struggle. Meltdowns were off the scale. Very bossy and demanding of attention. Would never come to me, I had to leave playgroups often. I remember crying in a shop and had to get a shop assistant to help me get him back in his buggy. It was so awful at times.

He is completely different now. He struggles alot with being bossed about so things are negotiated and choices given. But generally, it's worlds away and he is happy and loves telling everyone he's Autistic. And I thought based on what I was dealing with at age 2 to 3 I'd be getting battered by this age 🤷‍♀️😆.

Diagnosis was essential for me because I realised he was ADHD and autistic and alot of people would be happy to blame my parenting. There were social struggles,some problems in school and sadly dad wasn't having it. He gets some minor accomodations in school now, all his friends know and accept him. The parents know so I do believe are sometimes more forgiving and don't just think he is a horrible badly parented brat. He is generally really polite.

I understand you can have an assessment at much less than £2k. Your experience may be different but gaslighting is a massive problem with many professionals, also a lack of understanding. For example, my son is very sociable and has friends. It doesn't mean he isn't struggling, but the stereotypes are still outdated.

The sooner the diagnosis the better for everyone, especially you. Be prepared for alot of people to put doubt in your mind if they don't see obvious signs. You know best, better than anyone else.

Most diagnostic services would wait until at least three to diagnose asd. I think given that your dc does not seem to have any learning difficulties and can appear to be NT you may need to bide your time. However you can parent him with asd type techniques it won't harm and may help.

Before you go down the diagnosed problem route, how do you deal with the behaviour and tantrums?