To ask how to potty train a resistant 3 year old?

Honestly the potty training alone is enough to put me off having another baby.

There is nothing as bad as potty training ! It is one of the worst aspects of parenting (the sleep deprivation is possibly worse)

Obviously not for you with your perfect potty parenting, but for normal people.

@Muthaofcats you should have a think about your motivation in posting on here. Are you trying to help or are you trying to be right?

Poo accidents are grim but keep going. Could he be a little constipated? I think that can affect the nerves that makes you feel the need to wee. Maybe now his bowel is emptier he might have more luck.

I did think the same, how is Op going to deal with school and the inevitable challenges that will make potty training seem a dream in comparison?

a perspective change necessary / finding some support or taking on board guidance on forums as an alternative

I did as did anyone I knew. We gave up usually a summer or Easter break stocked up and knuckled down. Everyone else I know did the same. 🤷‍♀️

You are unfortunately under very unfair pressure and appear to have very little chance to just give this the time it needs. You and your DH need to have a gentle head wobble some parts of parenting require more time than others.

When you get over this hump I would suggest you both sit down and work out what is your plan for the inevitable illnesses when school starts. The meetings, assemblies etc. It sounds like you are isolated there. Here I am fortunate to have friends to sign post the next challenge coming at me. You need to find yours so you can plan to make your life less stressful.

How about spending less time being offended and more time reading actual guidance and committing to following it ?

All the obstacles you are facing are the same as everyone has to contend with: jobs, finite leave, other children.

so your husband can take a week off before august? Why can’t he do it then? Perhaps a different adult who is less stressed about it might be helpful at this point?

if your nursery is willing to have him untrained then crack on - ours refuse to have them in pants if they keep having accidents, hence the need to really focus during the week off as I freaked out that they’d undo all my hard work and also didn’t have infinite leave to take.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom sorry you’re getting so much crap (aha) - just wanted to add another sympathetic voice, and share some suggestions that worked with a very headstrong little girl.

After a few failed attempts, it turned out she didn’t like sitting on a low-back potty as it was uncomfortable/felt unstable. So I got a high-back potty (the BabyBjorn one). And then I got a few more of them, because it turned out that having accidents while she was en route to the potty had really put her off trying to go on the potty - so having a potty in each room stopped that being a problem.

Rewards helped too.
Then she started withholding poos - she hated the feeling apparently. So I bought a few books about poo, and we read them morning and night, and after about ten days she stopped being uncomfortable about pooing, as she’d learned everyone does it in the right place for them (and that, for people, that’s the potty or toilet).

I must admit that I did express slight disappointment when she went in a nappy/pullups instead of going on the potty - I’d say a little “Oh no” or “Oh dear” ahead of the bit where I reminded her “we do our wees in the potty”. That did seem to concentrate her mind a bit, because it gave her something to prove to me. (Headstrong!) I know lots of advice says to be completely neutral when reminding the child where to toilet, but that neutral approach just doesn’t work for her, she needs something to push back on - and her way of pushing back against my mild disappointment was to prove that actually she could wee in the potty if she wanted to. Might not work for you, but also might be worth resorting to if you have to.

Wishing you the very best for this very annoying journey xx

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong, you're just in a horrible pressured situation.

My kids, who are now teens, were very different to each other when it came to potty training. One refused the first time and got very distressed, to the point where we stopped. Then they announced at age 3 that they wanted to wear pants, and from that day basically never had an accident.

The other was ready to try earlier, but had accidents for a lot longer.

It's very hard to know how much is physical development and how much emotional or toddler stubbornness isn't it! Definitely some kids just aren't ready until later and then it's really stressful for parents when all the other kids seem to have mastered it.

He will get there in the end but I really feel for you with this school situation. If it's any help I don't think other 3 year olds will care or remember if he has accidents in school, and at this age they develop so quickly and I think generally pick up those sorts of skills faster once they put their minds to it.

Good luck!

So how do people in the country you are in train their kids? Presumably you aren’t the only person in your community to have this issue?

How many times has the OP explained that what you are pushing hasn’t worked, but you keep repeating it will work @Muthaofcats

The OP is not the one being difficult here. You are.

Really not intending to kick you whilst you’re down. I can see how stressful you are finding this, not trying to make it worse for you. Just observing you seem defensive and resistant at this point rather than focused on a solution. If that feeling is coming across to your son, no wonder he’s withholding and not finding it fun anymore.

Best thing to do if in a bad place with it is to take a breather and come back to it after taking some time to properly read the Best approach, make some time to commit to doing it properly - without stress or intensity.

If you really won’t make any more time for it then I guess only option is to keep him in pants (apart from sleep) and just let him keep having accidents until he learns to go to the toilet!?
Every time he does it, just reinforce, when you feel the need to wee or poo you run to the loo. Then positively reinforce when he does it properly, sweets or whatever works.

And re the school thing, more start school at only just turned 4 so for some summer borns they are really very young. But by 3.5-4 they should have been potty trained for at least a year - I do agree with you that the people constantly telling everyone to give up and try again later are super unhelpful.

We are in a similar boat

Two things:
Don't sweat the afternoons. They will be a lot worse than the morning because your toddler is tired and it is all too much. There will be accidents that doesn't mean he isn't learning

Send him to nursery without a nappy at the end of your time.
I would ask for more support from your nursery. With a resistant 3 uear old they should be invaluable not telling you to wait! That is so unhelpful of them.
They can normalise using a potty not nappies for your son. The other children us ethe toilet so they help his emotional side but highlighting this is normal and what he should be doing.
Our nursery were encouraging us to try.
I had a long weekend, 4 days , then the nursery took over on Monday and they took over on Monday. We have had days with bags and bags of wet cloths come back to us. More than the cloths we sent in. The nursery is always nice and keeps trying. They started reminding every 20 minutes which was quite annoying for him. Now he can self prompt occasionally
We still haven't had a week without dirty cloths back but it is getting better.
It will likely take time so don't sto trying. The three day children are few and far between

On the withholding:

Mine both did this, for hours. Basically they were conditioned to “let go” in nappies and they just didn’t understand how to “let go” in a potty or toilet. It’s a very weird sensory thing and they simply didn’t know how to relax the right muscles. They weren’t being stubborn, difficult, they weren’t too young, too old…. It’s uncomfortable and they were learning something that is actually quite hard. I think of it as akin to being an adult but being expected to use a toilet in the middle of the street - you’d probably struggle to release too!

One of mine just got it after a few days of hanging out with an iPad on the potty. With one of mine who had major hang ups about using a toilet or potty we had success with wearing pants but putting a nappy on when he actually needed to go. Then he’d use the nappy in the bathroom. Then with the nappy on but sitting on the toilet. Then with the tabs undone sitting on the toilet. Etc etc. Gradual steps and a lot of rewards! It was not a week long process, but end of the day out of all the supposedly inflexible barriers (we all have them - work, school, holidays, medical stuff) I decided my child’s sanity wasn’t going to be the thing that had to flex. He was a young child figuring stuff out, he was doing his best and I wasn’t giving him a lifelong hang up just because of holidays or an inflexible preschool.

i would suggest the Op is the moth banging against the window. Her approach isn’t working for her or her kid and yet it’s all the other peoples fault for being ‘rude’.

I suggest this child is going to be starting school in nappies given the absolute reluctance to reflect or take on board any guidance from people for whom it worked.

The OP says she followed Oh Crap but clearly never actually has. Her son’s stubbornness and refusal to engage with this sounds exactly like what his mummy is exhibiting here ! Our children are mirrors to us.

It says everything that it’s easier to dismiss those for whom it worked as smug and unhelpful in favour of reinforcement for an approach that’s clearly not working for you. No wonder so many kids start school in nappies. I never understood this until reading this thread.

This is the problem with potty training threads on here. You get a poster or a handful of posters who just will not accept ‘thanks but we’ve tried that and it didn’t work.’

They just won’t. They are like moths banging against the window over and over and it means the thread just descends into bickering as they get huffy their helpful advice is ignored and then personal comments come in ‘lazy / rude / combative.’

Just accept your advice isn’t helpful FGS!

If she was working from home then she wasn’t following the oh crap method because the oh crap method is all about doing nothing else but observing your kid. No phones, no distractions. Just being with them and watching them play so you can work out signs of when they’re needing to go. The fact you’re looking for reasons I’m wrong and staring at a forum rather than your kid is perhaps a starting point?

I didn't do anything different with my youngest she was just a different child.

Also went though bulk of their schooling being told older two weren't ND and didn't have any SEN - so I was supposed to realise at 3 when professionals were saying no till late teen is beyond me.

I've also met parents adamant their system for some childhood thing worked till they finally had a child who it just didn't work for at all. I think smaller families are making some parents more dogmatic in their philosophies and judgmental of others as they lack wider range of experiences with different kids.

Perseverance - agree with PP - just keep at it - and even after the idea is there they may still have many accidents.