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To ask how to potty train a resistant 3 year old?

364 replies

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/06/2024 10:29

Yes I know there is a topic for this but there's next to no traffic and people who have already cracked this and moved on probably aren't looking at it.

My DS turned three a couple of months ago. We have tried potty training several times with no luck so far.

He is starting school in September and HAS to be trained by then. There is no other option. I have taken tomorrow and Tuesday off work so we are on day 2 of a four day window dedicated to cracking this and it's getting worse, not better. I don't have any other holiday other than the last two weeks of August which we have booked off to go on an actual holiday and will be completely ruined if we have to spend it hanging around the holiday accommodation doing potty training.

I'm at my wits' end.

He doesn't want to sit on the potty.

He withholds for hours on end.

He gets increasingly angry and fed up and wants to go outside and play. Eventually I give in and we go outside and it's only a matter of time before he pees or poos in his pants.

Please help.

OP posts:
ThisNaiceLemonSloth · 19/06/2024 20:26

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Allofaflutter · 19/06/2024 14:14

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/06/2024 13:53

They heard every word.

😂😂😂

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/06/2024 13:54

First of all, I'd sit him on the toilet rather than the potty.

Instead of insisting he sits on it regularly wait until he has an accident, don't change him straight away, wait a few minutes and he will soon realise that it doesn't feel nice. Then say next time we'll go to the toilet....and offer rewards for wees/poos on the loo. It can take a week or 2.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/06/2024 13:53

Allofaflutter · 19/06/2024 13:48

And I hope your colleagues couldn’t hear the call! 😂💩💩💩

They heard every word.

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 19/06/2024 13:48

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/06/2024 13:30

He is at home with his dad today.

I got a video call at work so he could announce that he had done a very very large poo.

(In his new fire engine potty.)

💀

I've never been more happy to be at work.

And I hope your colleagues couldn’t hear the call! 😂💩💩💩

Allofaflutter · 19/06/2024 13:38

Great news! Sometimes it’s a new potty they really like that cracks it. For mine it was the big toilet with a lift up seat and stairs. Hope it goes from strength to strength for you all.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/06/2024 13:30

He is at home with his dad today.

I got a video call at work so he could announce that he had done a very very large poo.

(In his new fire engine potty.)

💀

I've never been more happy to be at work.

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 19/06/2024 13:25

Hope today has been better. He will get there. You are doing a great job, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Just keep going, I always found consistency was the key to parenting. Parenting is always hard but it’s always worth it.

GallifreyGirl · 19/06/2024 02:31

Mine are 15 and 16 now, so been a while. I trained my DS at 2.5yr. I told him his baby sister needed the nappies and he wasn’t a baby was he? Then we chose the pants he wanted together. Also got Daddy to show him how big boys go toilet so he could copy and be like his dad. Might work with you having DD too by saying she’s a baby you’re not , you don’t need nappies. Then we did the hard bit of staying home for about 4 days but got it done. My two are 16 months apart so was hard. It’s a distant memory now!
Try not to stress easy to say I know. Kids pick up on our stress and then push back and may make them more stubborn. Good luck

Muthaofcats · 18/06/2024 20:01

The Oh Crap method isn’t about ‘staying inside’, it’s just about a period of time observing them so you learn their habits/behaviour and can help them ‘click’ the feeling of needing to go with having to go to the potty. As they start to wee you carry to potty and say ‘we go in the potty’ over and over until they can join the dots. If you’re on your phone and miss it, you’ve missed the opportunity, if they only go a couple times a day then you’ve wasted the whole day at home for nothing.

You’re just doing this stage enough times that they can understand - for most kids this is literally only a day! And by aged 3 you’d think they would get that pretty quickly.

There’s then no issue with going out once you’re convinced they’ve understood and can recognise the feeling of needing to go. It’s fine to then go out, take a portable potty with you, and when you see them show the signs of needing to go you can then prompt them. You then don’t make them sit all the time, just at transition times (Ie before leaving to go out or get in car etc).

You say you’ve been following it to the letter, but you were on mumsnet by 10:30am so clearly not following the guidance fully if you’re still on stage 1. The point of this is being super observant so you can recognise signs. It’s intense but thankfully doesn’t last forever if done properly. Once you are able to recognise these signs there’s no harm in going out. (For lots of boys it’s starting to hold their Willy but each child different)

it’s not abnormal to not need the loo until lunch time. It’s why oh crap suggests upping fluid intake for the first day whilst trying to get it to click, but thereafter it’s helpful that they have bladder control.

it’s also ok for them to have accidents whilst they’re learning - very few kids learn straight away and never wet themselves again.

well done for sticking with it - please don’t undo all the hard work by quitting tomorrow. Keep up with it ! You’ll be so happy once he’s got it.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 18:47

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I'm not sure how many times I need to say this, but we tried the staying inside thing the second time. It didn't work.

Today we also stayed inside all day.

He didn't pee until lunchtime and didn't poo all day.

No accidents, but he clearly hates staying inside with no pants on.

OP posts:
DontYouLetItGo · 18/06/2024 17:45

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mathanxiety · 18/06/2024 17:13

And bribery works well too.

mathanxiety · 18/06/2024 17:12

Toilet Training in Less than a Day, by Azrin and Fox, might help greatly.

It's a how-to manual.

You need to be able to devote about a week to intensive training, and be mentally ready to ditch nappies from the first day of using the potty/ loo.

hockityponktas · 18/06/2024 17:09

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:36

I think he doesn't like having a bare bum and he withholds when he doesn't have pants or shorts on.

But when he has pants or shorts on he doesn't seem to be aware when he's about to poo or pee.

Believe me, the oh crap/bare bum method doesn’t work for every child! I’ve seen it have detrimental effects. I would never advocate using a particular method as not everyone is the same! (Even when “methods” are followed to the letter)
keep going, follow your instincts💐

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 14:56

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 14:36

I don't get the absolutely no leaving the house thing. When I was potty training DC2 obviously I needed to do school runs for DC1. A quick trip out (ideally between wees) won't do any harm.

Edited

That’s a bit different than going to the park. On a quick and boring outing they are much less likely to have an accident.

CecilyP · 18/06/2024 14:53

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:36

I think he doesn't like having a bare bum and he withholds when he doesn't have pants or shorts on.

But when he has pants or shorts on he doesn't seem to be aware when he's about to poo or pee.

Great stuff. He’s got the idea and it suggests he has a lot of control and a pretty copious bladder! Hope this success will help reduce your stress level. Yes, I would try loose fitting shorts without underwear to see how it goes. I’d also not go back to daytime nappies and send him back to nursery in the shorts. They should really be more supportive in a country where compulsory school starts as young as 2.8.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 14:36

I don't get the absolutely no leaving the house thing. When I was potty training DC2 obviously I needed to do school runs for DC1. A quick trip out (ideally between wees) won't do any harm.

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 14:25

This is off topic, but I saw your bilingualism comment up thread. In my experience, OPOL is as much a scam as “wait till they’re ready”. You already fell for one, don’t fall for the other. I’m saying this as a mom of a trilingual child. My mother tongue is very niche and most children of emigrants don’t end up speaking it.

I probably read the same studies as you and was into OPOL at the beginning but what finally opened my eyes (and helped my daughter become truly bilingual) was seeing the dynamics with teenagers in strictly OPOL families and completely ditching it.

Firstly, your main priority should be that your child speaks and opens up to you. The language is secondary. The last thing you want is to ask them how school was on the way home for them just to reply “fine” because they are tired (and they will be absolutely exhausted in maternelle) because they can’t be bothered to think in English after a day of French.
For example, I’d let my daughter tell me a story in French, say “ btw, x,y,z in mama’s language is called a,b,c”, then, if something exciting happened, I’d say “let’s call grandma and you can tell her too!” (My mom only speaks my minority language so my daughter is forced to use it.)

Secondly, you need to normalise bilingualism. Everyone speaks several languages and everyone learns new ones. If he only ever hears you speaking English then that doesn’t happen. You risk being classed as the “other”, the “foreign mummy” (especially, if your husband is French). If you’re also the default parent and do most of shitty stuff and telling off then you risk your language being associated with the negative feelings. (When I’m really pissed I switch to French 😉) The biggest leap my daughter had was when I started taking French classes and asked for her help. The second, when my husband started learning my language. We play language games, translate for each other etc.( The only thing we try to avoid is mix languages within the same sentence.)

Thirdly, it’s hard to learn to speak if you don’t see natural conversations. TV in your language is the minimum. Ideally, you’d find some English friends for play dates. Regular video calls with friends and family are good too.

Finally, they need to realise the language is useful and practical, and you need to put them in situations where they need to speak it to get something as a natural consequence - ordering a dessert on holiday, an English speaking child as a friend and so on. Luckily for you English is a lot more common than my language. Trips back home, visits by English speaking friends and family, events in English or just a restaurant with English speaking staff. The more he’ll use it with other people besides you the more confident he’ll get.

Marblessolveeverything · 18/06/2024 14:09

@MissScarletInTheBallroom you are risking undoing any training by deviating from staying home and giving him a fair chance. Going out tomorrow and then nursery isn't giving him a fair chance, this is the reason it is failing.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 18/06/2024 13:53

First you need to break his spirit
Then build him back up

oh wait this is about a child, sorry nvm 😁

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 13:32

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 13:27

Yeah we are in France. I really don't want to send him to school not potty trained. We need the school on side for other reasons so I don't want them to have any concerns about him.

How long did you have to stay inside?

It was some years ago but 3 days I think. It’s a bit easier with a girl course I put her in dresses after without pants. You could try an oversized t-shirt that goes to his knees but won’t really work with riding a bike and climbing.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 13:27

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 12:40

At 3 years old he doesn’t need to pee every 2h and poop several times a day. He’s been doing it until now because he’s in nappies and essentially “on the loo” 24/7. Holding it a bit is fine. You want him to actually learn this skill too cause you will be out and about and the public loo might have a queue.
With my daughter, when she had pants on it wasn’t so much that she couldn’t feel she needed to go but more that she forgot she didn’t have a diaper on. They need to be bare bum for a few days so it kicks in that this is for real now.

I potty trained mine using the hated Oh Crap in a Parisian flat. We had play dough, kinetic sand, an obstacle course made out of random (washable) objects and a foam ball that could be kicked around without breaking too many things.
I guess you’re in France too. There will be other badly potty trained kids in his class having accidents at the start of the year so don’t worry too much about social consequences. But there’s not really staff to clean them up, especially if there are several like him. He’ll end up sitting in his soiled clothes for ages and get bum rashes, so you’re definitely doing the right thing training him now.

Yeah we are in France. I really don't want to send him to school not potty trained. We need the school on side for other reasons so I don't want them to have any concerns about him.

How long did you have to stay inside?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 13:26

PrincessTeaSet · 18/06/2024 12:59

OP it sounds like you are doing fine. You have today and tomorrow and he has nailed the peeing at least. He can fine tune at nursery.

If he's not actually asking for pants then I would leave him as he is for now. If he is saying he wants to wear something then something baggy.

If he's going mad indoors then maybe do a trip out straight after he's emptied his bladder to minimise the risk of an accident but really it's not the end of the world if he does.

Is he ok about the potty now or is he still very reluctant?

He has asked for pants a few times but I managed to hold off this morning. He's having his nap now. We'll see how we get on this afternoon and tomorrow.

I feel like it might be a good idea to put clothes on and take him out for a bike ride first thing in the morning because it seems like he doesn't need to pee then anyway. Will talk to my husband tonight.

Not sure whether to keep him home on Thursday and try to wing it with WFH. We have both kids at home on Friday.

OP posts:
PrincessTeaSet · 18/06/2024 12:59

OP it sounds like you are doing fine. You have today and tomorrow and he has nailed the peeing at least. He can fine tune at nursery.

If he's not actually asking for pants then I would leave him as he is for now. If he is saying he wants to wear something then something baggy.

If he's going mad indoors then maybe do a trip out straight after he's emptied his bladder to minimise the risk of an accident but really it's not the end of the world if he does.

Is he ok about the potty now or is he still very reluctant?