Do I want to blow up my life?

Have you told him how you feel. It's pretty clear just by reading posts on hear us men are shit at communication, we are also shit at mind reading. You say that you were on board with the renovation, but now it's dragging. Have you spoken to him about it?
Why not take a break from renovation, a year out.

You work in your own business, which is many people's dream, they don't understand that to be successful and make money takes lots of time. Clearly you don't have the time. Can you put the business on hold and work for someone else.

How is day to day childcare sorted? Can you put the kids in nursery for longer?

Overall though you need to actually sit down with your dh and tell him what you have told us.

Can you find a class or group where you can do your art or hobby? And tell (don't ask, tell) DH that you will be signing up to this weekly class for your own sanity and he will need to sort kids and renovation around it. The do the class for a year and see if that little bit of private space for you gives you the strength to continue with everything else.

I think it's tempting to tell yourself in this situation (and for others to tell you) that it won't always be like this and it'll be worth it in the end, but that overlooks the resentment that sets in when no one is even noticing that your needs aren't being met. Like a couple of pp I also suspect it isn't that temporary and that your DH will always have a new renovation on the go. It's really hard giving years of your life to a joint existence that's all about meeting everyone else's needs and desires before/instead of your own. You absolutely have to talk about this, and imo be prepared to deliver an ultimatum if your unhappiness isn't taken seriously, and vague promises to do things differently aren't underpinned by action and change. You matter too. You only have one life of who knows how many or few precious years.

One other thing, which is my personal bugbear and perhaps you'd rather ignore. Perhaps you are perimenopausal, but if the anger and impatience that many women experience at menopause is giving you the impetus to address these problems and make changes, then personally I think you should grab that gift with both hands instead of medicating it away.

I think you've just lost balance.

You have the makings of a great relationship and great family.

Ask you DH to commit to a weekly meeting. Sunday mornings, with a coffee. Plan your week together meticulously. Even if you can't have date nights, try to find one or two half hours where you can have lunch together at home, or go for a walk, again from home, just something, to break the monotony. Both activities are great for further discussion/sorting stuff out. This stuff doesn't happen by accident, stress to your DH how important this is.

Then once that's working start having more long-term discussions. What's your aim with the renovations? How can you both support each other with both your work ambitions, and your personal needs? Can you agree a strategic 'pause' to the work (the woodchip in the dining room may just have to wait) for 6 months or a year to get some balance back? We did this at one time. It really helped. If your DH is so adamant to do the work himself, can he book some time to do this during normal working his? Sure your income will take a hit but it may be preferable to paying other trades. We've done this too.

Lots of things get easier as the DC get older. You don't feel so touched out. Ideally you'll pick up after them less. You get a bit of headspace back.

Then you can start to focus on you a bit.

Honestly... talk to him. Shout and give an ultimatum if you need to. But all is not lost at this stage. There's so much more to try.

Stay strong!

I think you should do couples counseling before you leave him

It sounds like you used to feel like a team, and now you don’t. You feel like an individual who got the raw deal. Have you really laid it all didn for him? No sugar-coating?

Is there an option of changing your job? It sounds like this is a big source of your frustration and you're not getting any creative outlet, which is important when you've got that, you need to find a way to get those creative juices flowing as I'm sure that would make you feel a lot happier.

Do you and your husband get any time for yourselves? Date nights etc?

Doing a house reno for that long would test anyone though. It sounds like you're more frustrated with your situation rather than fallen out of love with your DH so I'd suggest looking at the things that are within your power to change rather than leaving husband (from what I've read.. obviously only you know how you feel)

@Lupina12 It was a bit of both in that it was supposed to make us money and I was expected to be grateful as it was “for our family” but it was too high a cost in terms of losing family time and our relationship for me to ever feel it’d be worth it.
How long have you been thinking that the “nuclear” option is your only choice?

Your dh is working - that's fair enough, has to be done. He's also getting lots of praise and acknowledgement for his work on the renovation and the time an effort he's putting into getting it perfect. But to my mind, that is actually more like a hobby. Assuming the house is livable and you can function in it (e.g. working bathrooms, kitchen etc), the rest is how he is choosing to do it, how he wants to spend his time in a way that he finds fulfilling.

What if all your time was taken up with growing organic vegetable and cooking gourmet dinners? Or if you raised a small herd of sheep, spun your own wool and made all the children's clothes? Yes it would still be 'providing for / caring for your family' but if it took priority over you being able to share the load in other ways it would be a hobby, not a necessity.

Somehow you need 2 things: an agreement from your dh to give you a set number of hours when he is NOT working on the renovation so that you can re-establish yourself in your art-skill; and also that you need to carve out some of your own time to match that. Can you get up 2 hours early one morning a week? Can you find ways to make savings and reduce your work by 2 or 3 hours? Can you make a reciprocal arrnagement with another parent so you are a few hours a week child-free (and look after their children in return)?

I imagine that if you start doing something towards your creativity you might immediately feel more energetic and better about yourself. In my own situation, I found that similar small changes made me feel more determined to follow my chosen career path, and the sense of inner reward drove me on to make more changes. I hear what others are saying about how things will be different in 10 years time, but I know I could not have contemplated waiting that long to make changes, I felt like my soul would have been destroyed.

Also, I suspect that even in 10 years time your dh's renovation hobby will still be continuing in some shape or form.

But yes, also look into HRT.

I know what you mean about taking on all the childcare while your DH does something you’re supposed to be grateful for but now just resent. It eroded my marriage and all the talks led to nothing so I got ready to leave and I was completely serious about it and something suddenly clicked with my DH that things really needed to change. Im not saying that it’s been an overnight change or that everything is now good but a year later im still here and glad i stayed. Part of that change was making sure I had something in my life that was for me so something I wanted to pursue at work was agreed and DH has picked up the slack for that and I have time to pursue my own interests each week now too

As others have set out very well there is an end in sight here - your children will grow older and less dependent and the renovation will eventually finish. Also it’s always possible it’s peri m.

If you blew your life up would it be better or worse. You’d have less money for starters if you left your husband so would that make it less likely you could pursue your passion?

My advice would be to make a plan. Write out the goal and what it takes to get there and sit down with your husband and tell him you need this. It might be a few years away but if you had it pinned to the wall it might help.

If it helps I feel almost the same. I’m miserable I feel if I stay in my job until retirement I’ll feel that I wasted my life in the worst way, one of my kids almost never stops crying, and my husband gets on my every last nerve to the event that I think my marriage was a massive mistake and I don’t know what I was thinking. But I’ll muddle on because blowing up my life would be worse.

You've been renovating your home for 8 years?! My god, that's enough to sap the life out of anyone! And if your husband spends all of his spare time on the renovation I'm guessing you pretty much live as a single parent?
If it were me, I'd push to sell up and move into a house that's ready to live in. You need your husband to be an active partner and active parent. What's the point in having a wonderful house if your life in it is miserable?
Sell up, move, parent equally, split the free time equally so that you can enjoy some time to yourself.

Sounds like my life at around 35! 3 kids, 2 just a year apart and a disabled older child and living in a building site. We’d moved from a house that was beautiful but had also been a building site. My husband was amazing getting the important areas done in time for baby number 2 and I didn’t have the added stress of an outside job but it was hard. At that time our eldest was also going through a difficult stage and we were doing an appeal for school place, added stress of legal fees and uncertainty . Probably the most difficult time in my life. However I tried to look at it long term and here we are 10 years later. Younger two are young adults and the eldest is settled in a lovely placement. Mortgage has been paid off for years due to living in building sites! My time is my own and I feel like me again. I know this doesn’t help you now but all the stress back then has provided us with a stable future. Different situation I know because I have to always think ahead having a child that will always need 24/7 care so the sacrifices then were 100% worth it.

Peri menopause is definitely a possibility. I was post menopause by 46 so it’s definitely a possibility.

You sound depressed.

I'd definitely see a GP before you make any life changing decisions.

The renovation project I’m sat in now is also someone’s rush finish self build as they got divorced.

The easiest thing to change is the renovation. It is incredibly hard living in a renovation project as it saps time energy and money. I say that as I’m sat in renovation project number four. But Im
not aiming for perfection and it will be mainly finished by Christmas.
Tou either need professionals in to finish or to do it quickly so it’s finished or to sell and buy something done.
If your DH is working on the house he will be able to take more childcare and housework on. This won’t be what he wants because he’s probably enjoying the renovations and is getting lots of praise from people for putting all that time and effort in plus he’s avoiding the harder parts of family life because your doing it.

Why did you choose to refurb two houses when you have young kids?

Have a serious conversation with OH about avoiding perfectionism in the refurb and sharing the childcare and chores more fairly. And look into career options yourself. But splitting up doesn't seem like the answer.

I think you also need to lay out how unfair you feel the jobs in the house have been distributed.

I turned my life upside down at a similar age, although my kids were a bit older I suspect. Don't regret it at all. On paper, objectively my life is worse (financially and work-wise). In reality, I'm so much happier.

Having said that, I have a friend that was going through a tough time in her relationship at a similar time, and thought about leaving. She stayed, and for a few reasons it was absolutely the right decision for her.

On balance, I think your situation is closer to my friends than mine. In your shoes I think I would try to carve out some time - even just a couple of hours per week - to pursue something creative, maybe with a view to monetising it to see if you can create a new business to replace your current one.

But this hard bit, it is just temporary. The renovation will come to an end. But making small steps forward to try to create the life that you want within the family that you have will hopefully help you to stay sane and positive.

I was furious once because someone had dared put the loo roll on the wrong way. I hated everything anyone did. I mean how dare they actually change the loo roll.

From the drudgery and child rearing perspective it gets easier. I am nearing 50 and whilst I am still the main taxi driver, cook etc my children need my time at home less.

Can you talk to your husband about instead of him doing a renovation job you save to get in professionals. (That you need his time and attention too).
If he won't think about this route....what about selling the property and buying something smaller/cheaper which is finished.
Or lay out the last option......you separate, you have to sell the house anyway and everyone loses out.
Don't male rash decisions. But I hear how lonely you are. I'm sure if your husband loves you he would be upset to hear this and want to make changes.

Good luck.