to think ASD husband and ASD daughter could have a better relationship?

I did push my kids into doing the extra-curricular activities and I was so nervous that they’d hate me for it, but it turned out to be a game-changer.

It sounds as though your youngest is a bit judgemental about her dad and could do with learning some social skills. Getting out amongst peers around a shared activity really helped mine. My ASD DC had totally painted herself into a corner socially beforehand and conversations were hard work, but now she get excited and has a laugh with her sibling and conversations are easy, natural and interesting.

Yes. I used to feel the same. With the parent evenings, he now attends, but I do most of the talking. He is also more involved by giving lifts to extra-curricular activities, which gives him a chance to chat and catch up with the kids now too. It’s important to try to foster as much whole-family interaction as possible - eating meals together, going to the cinema, etc, on the weekends, to prevent the withdrawal of the ND family members.

That’s good that he listens to you about that sort of thing. Can you agree on some kind of code with him, so that if he is being unaware/insensitive, you can say “Darling, this is one of those shopping trip moments”, or some such thing, to remind him to listen and be flexible?

It is a lot to take on and of course it’s upsetting. It’s not insurmountable though.

Your husband needs to be got to a point in a conversation where you could discuss how that could have gone differently- the situation with the shopping trip. You also, need for him to agree to go and apologise to your daughter for making her feel rejected. Even if it is days later…. Weeks even.

Then surely if you have the capacity to be understanding of your dd, then you should be of him too?

i don’t understand how he can see a 12 year old become tearful after offering to him shopping with him and still bag on about the fact that he “ just wants to be in and out “ and “ he doesn’t have any extra money until payday “ instead of saying something like “ That would be lovely and next time we go I’ll get you a treat as I’ll have been paid by then “

The thing is, he is processing stuff differently and it might be a few days later when he realises that he should have reacted differently at the time.

IME ASD people require 2 things 1. To be able to do tasks in a particular way in order to minimise overwhelm and stress. 2. To have the time and space to pursue what interests them. If these two needs are met, then everything else follows.

Something that people on the AS are often very sensitive about is the idea that they are morally wrong or unkind when they don’t intuitively do things that NT people would do. So if you say something like “I don’t understand your priorities- your daughter is crying and you only care about your own convenience” this will scramble their mind with thoughts that they are always chided for being a terrible person when they don’t know what they did wrong, and then they will probably become overwhelmed by this unresolvable issue.

You need to facilitate a discussion about what was really going on. It’s possible that your DH has it in his mind that if a shopping trip last more that 25 minutes he has a panic attack/meltdown or some such thing. His strange rules and priorities around shopping are there to protect him from overwhelm. If you can talk about it in a practical non-judgemental way, there could be a solution that he would be happy with.

If you work together and gradually make rules that suit you both then life can be lovely. Try not to think of his ASD peculiarities as things which make him a ‘bad person’ as they would if he was NT and did those things.

Do u actually love yr husband it don’t sound like it.

BTW I want to share that I have an ASD husband and an ASD DC.

I have been through some withering, despairing times, but now, couldn’t be happier.

I needed to understand the ‘quirks’ of DH, the mystifying requirements for his day to day ability to function, and he now withdraws less and communicates more, also, by understanding those, I understand the needs of my ASD DC and am a better mother as a result. Also, DH needed to understand that me communicating my needs is not motivated by me trying to make him feel bad about himself, but are my genuine needs. My ASD DC needs to be pulled up every now and again for over-stepping, presuming to have better judgement than me, despite the lack of life-experience, and doesn’t overstep as much any more.

It is amazing how harmonious everything is. I believe you can have this too OP.

This kind of family dynamic is really common in ND families, op. It's really hard, isn't it? My dh has adhd, so does my teenage ds. It all came to a head in our household yesterday because the two of them (dh mostly) find it hard to communicate constructively with one another.

My friend is NT, but her dh is on the spectrum, as is her youngest son. It was only through getting her son diagnosed that they both realised he was on the spectrum too. Suddenly, all the communication problems they'd had in their marriage made sense.

They ended up getting relationship counselling which has really helped. Would you consider the same?

I don't feel unsupported, dh is incredibly warm, loving and loyal etc. But many of his adhd symptoms (notably emotional dysregulation) make him very hard to live with. Ds doesn't have the emotional dysregulation, but he has noticeable executive function difficulties which affect his organisational skills and memory, which rubs dh up the wrong way. We're now looking at counselling. We'll start with the two of us and perhaps extend to the rest of the family depending on the advice we receive. Dh is my best friend, but ds is a child. I can't have his inability to communicate effectively ruin ds's childhood.

Your daughter has no business telling you how to conduct your relationship with your husband. You are the adult, the parent, she is the child, the daughter.

There are two issues here.

1. Your relationship with your husband.
2. Your relationship with your daughter.

With your relationship with your husband, you can have a complete turnaround if you take the time to discuss things and find solutions to get both of your needs met in ways you both feel capable.

With your daughter, she needs to be more respectful in the way she speaks to you and more respectful of your accumulated life experience and wisdom. This requires two things.

1. You need more self-confidence - in your own wisdom, experience, knowledge and judgement.
2. You need better boundaries and to be clear in communicating them, especially with your daughter.

These things are all within your control, you don’t need to fix anyone to achieve them, and when you do, the other issues will resolve themselves.

Does he understand the impact his behaviour is having on you?

He can refuse therapy all he likes (it's personal choice after all) but ultimately if he's not willing to try and make things better, he needs to realise he could lose you - and his DD - if he won't at least try.

You don’t enter into a conversation about it … with any 12 year old, ASD or not. I’ve been through the same thing.

When DD was 14 (before she was diagnosed) she told me she hated me, and wanted me to die .. ASD in teens can be hard. We are fine now.

They need to find productive ways of discussing feelings. Mine started with a therapist, which made a massive difference

Would your partner be open to family therapy or even personal therapy with someone who has an understanding of autism?

It’s quite normal for someone who is ND to trigger another person who is ND and for them to really struggle to get along. I think you would do better to accept that and give them the control over their relationship.