To think DH should look harder for work?

How are his IT skills, is there anything he could do wfh? Has he had counselling for his anxiety? Have you considered couples therapy as he seems to be ignoring your feelings. How is your son's relationship with him as it sounds like he doesn't parent recently just leave him to screens or you? There are plenty of people who are anxious but still manage to find some sort of work. I hope you can find an answer.

Something needs to change or this will be the rest of your life. If you have any respect left for him (& you may not) - give him the ultimatum. If not get your ducks in order & leave.

It's really shocking that you do more parenting than him as well as having a full time job. He has a cheek to call himself a SAHP!

You are enabling his behaviour, time for an ultimatum I think.

Just how young are you op , because this is absurd? Your oestrogen levels must be insanely high to be not just tolerating this but simultaneously insisting you love this selfish, lazy, nasty, horror of a man.
There is no way on Earth you can possibly. When you do divorce him, and you absolutely will when the penny drops, you will wonder why the fuck you didn't do it sooner.

This.

@NameChaneAgain please please - you have a leech. Get it off you. Ask him to leave.

I am so cross on your behalf.

He needs to go to counselling. You need to insist.

He has to get help for his anxiety, that seems very very clear

Is he getting any help for his mental health?

The exercise doesn’t seem to be working as a coping mechanism if he’s still unable to function in the way he needs to. The way his need for exercise seems to only increase is also suggestive of a potentially unhealthy relationship with his body / exercise.

Would you feel better if he spent some time seriously working on getting his mental health under control with the help of professionals?

He’s being pretty clear that he has no intention of working again or of taking on the full workload of a SAHP.

He hasn’t worked for around 6-7 years. He’s settled into a new way of life that he believes suits him. He won’t change. Effectively, he’s retired.

So you either leave, or you continue to carry the work of providing a living for him and your child, whilst also doing a considerable amount of house and child work, whilst he enjoys his hobbies, and allow yourself to be taken advantage of like this out of ‘love’.

Can you tell us a little more about the conversations that take place - so for example, him 'not being able to' parent him a full day - how did this first come about and what conversations have you had about it. Did he literally just say 'you'll need to take over at xx time as I need to listen to my music'
How old are you both?

I assume you are much younger than he is?

Yet another reason why I think men should not choose to become parents when they are going to be in their 50s/60s with a toddler and then teenager at home.

It seems to me that you both have totally different expectations of life, are at a completely different stage in your life so I am not even sure why you thought it was a good idea to get together and have a child in the first place.

Best thing is for you to go your separate ways.

But I can actually see his point too: if it was a woman who wanted to stay at home to look after the kids while her higher earning partner went to work doing a job they enjoy the responses would be different but since he can't even do the parenting aspect properly you need to cut your losses and get rid of this burden.

His mental health sounds fragile. He's unable to cope with your DC and any house/family responsibility.

Sit him down and agree some rules as a SAHP for the next 12 months.

Firstly he needs to see a doctor for his anxiety, could he be depressed?

He needs to sort DC drop offs/pick ups. (He won't like the interaction with other parents).The household chores (unless you have a cleaner) and keep the garden tidy. You are working he needs to pull his weight. This should be non negotiable.

His exercises can be at another time when you are with DC or between drop offs etc.

Does DC go to any clubs yet? Cubs? Swimming lessons? Your DH could do drop off/pick up too. All these social situations to interact safely with people.

You need to support him to get out of this hole he's digging for himself. You are managing financially so park the job idea for 12 months while he gets his confidence back.

I suggest you look at divorce then. Might make him more anxious !!

Honestly OP, how do you find this deadbeat attractive in any way?

But you clearly have no plans to kick him out so you’ll have to put up with it. Seriously though, have some self-respect, this man is sponging off you and using his ‘anxiety’ as an excuse.

He's just a Cocklodger and unfortunately it will be expensive to get rid of him, he'll take your pension in the divorce.

Genuinely, I don't know how you can bear to be married to such a fucking waster! I'm so angry on your behalf that he gets to sponge off you to such an extent.

Where does he get his spends from?

Yes, I thought the same. In many ways, you’ve helped to let this situation arise. Guess, at first, you thought you were being supportive, and this situation has gradually developed, but now you entitling him to continue.

”Where is your anger OP????”

I agree. I really don't think this is about work. Let's say he did get a part time job a couple of days a week and then changed nothing else about his behaviour. I don't see how that would materially alter the situation.

I'm quite an anxious person and I do understand how crippling it can be. But sometimes you've just got to do stuff!

He cannot use anxiety to not get a job. It sounds like an excuse because he's having a great retirement at your expense.

You have done nothing but make excuses for him. This is the life you choose so suck it up. With a smile on your face so it doesn't affect your dc.
By the way, there is a life beyond pandering to men.

One of my friend's has a DH like this.

He lost his job whilst she was pregnant and by default became a SAHP but did nothing except pick ups and childcare until she got home. He was 45. She eventually did 2 jobs and everything else. I knew it though, I could see that he was retiring. He spent his days "researching" and gambling. And preaching about consumerism.

Now of course he is retired but without much of a pension. I never understood why she didn't get rid of him. It's like having another dependent child.

I think it suits some people to live off others. But if they were single they would have to work.

Your DH needs a job, any job. Where's his pride?

He should get anything. A minimum.wage job will bring in extra money. Good idea perhaps for part time or term.time around your child. He needs to do the house stuff. Why is it fair for you to do everything ?

Is he bright, could he do some sort of course that would get him back into the cycle of getting out, thinking of different things, interacting with different people and using it in the workplace?

Fifty's not considered old these days.

Honestly, I can not express how unattractive that would be for me.
I'm sure you'll start to hate him eventually and kick him out

It sounds to me like he has created his own ideal fantasy land in which he has zero responsibilities.

Playing the mental health card is his get-out-of-jail-free.

Would he be open to couples counselling?

This would allow you (both) a safe forum where you can bring this all out into the open without him going into a sulk and running away from the elephant in the room.

His current behaviour is unreasonable and your growing resentment is entirely justified. He might well be scared shitless of getting a job which is why he prefers to live in this created reality which he can control. However that's not sustainable and certainly not what you signed up for.