To think DH should look harder for work?

Do you think he's forcing you to make the big decision @NameChaneAgain ?

Whichever way you slice it and even accounting for anxiety/mental health, this is not a fair and equitable relationship and Co parenting situation.

He's not going to get happier and neither are you if nothing changes. It's time to have the big talk and how he reacts will tell you everything. If he's resistant, defensive and negative it's time to go. If he can acknowledge the gap then you can work on things together to a new place and work out what that looks like. You seem very balanced and understanding so very capable of leading and processing this conversation.

The switched off parenting and screens would be my red line boundary. Parenting is more than meals and clean clothes - parents need to be present or if effects little brains. You know this, you value the school run as it's a little ritual of connection. You can be present whilst working full time and you can be neglectful whilst being home nearly the time.

It's a ticking clock, once your hormones trip towards peri, this will be unsustainable.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life, and is this the role modelling you want your child to believe is normal? Nothing is going to change unless you do something fairly drastic about it.

OP, you are 36 and have settled for being sole carer and provider for an selfish lazy old man.
Think about therapy to figure out why your self esteem is so low as to think this is all you deserve.
He didn't half land on his feet with you!

The cheek of him saying he is an SAHP! I have been one, and when I was I looked after two DC all day, did most of the housework, did the school pickups and definitely had no time to spend 5 hours at the gym.

You need to have a proper sit down with him OP. Write the list of ALL things that need doing in the house, everything

• drop off pick up
• support with hw
• changing bedding
• cleaning daily (surfaces etc)
• weekly clean (bathrooms etc)
• garden

Then write two further lists, things that you do/want and things that DH does/want

• work
• exercise
• listen to music

Then you basically walk through the lists, discuss how many hours each one takes and how to share the household tasks. You need to express how you are spending 37 hrs doing the things that enable both of you to live, so you cannot Then pick up the lions share of the household things. You can Discuss whether things stay in the list, so he may say, I don't want to do garden and so you can say OK I can do garden at weekend but that means I drop changing bedding etc. Or you say OK we Then pay for gardener but that means then there's less money for something else.
The issue with DH is that his mental list of household stuff is not the same as yours. You need to get on the same page on that

What is this teaching your son?

your dh needs some counselling - he sounds like his self esteem is rock bottom hence the focus on improving his body. A p/t job of any kind would help build that. He need to get back out there and do something

If he is as anxious as he says I would put my foot down that at the very least he seeks medical help.

There are lots of jobs he can do that don’t require him to be in a setting that he can’t cope with. Maybe a Postman would be good, lots of exercise and little socialising.

Your DS is going to learn that this is the way men behave in a relationship. You need to leave. You'll likely end up being his carer in old age too, after he has brought so little to the table.

This will be it for the rest of your lives until you retire, Op. Your DH has obviously no wish to get a paid job again.

Jeez. I hope at least he has a seriously hot body from all this exercise and shows you a good time in the bedroom with it.

Either you are going to have to make your peace with having him as a dependent for the rest of his life or you have to start making moves to end the relationship and tell him that he gets a job and therapy or he's out on his ear. While I was at that, I'd be documenting all the times that you had to look after DS anyway or pay for childcare as evidence that he was, in fact, not the primary parent.

The longer this goes on, the bigger chunk of the assets he will take if you split. How are you going to feel if in five years he finds a new sugar momma and leaves you, and takes most of your pension off you to boot?

My goodness what a waster.

I'm sure we've all met men like this burbling on about Music and vain about fitness, permanently either online (reading about true crime etc) or looking at his own biceps in the mirror. But. Most men grow out of this around 25yo?

Have one of my rare LTBs.

I think you said your DC is a son. If for no other reason, please leave this loser of a husband so that your DS learns this is not good role modelling

This probably isn't helpful but could he work in the school? Breakfast clubs, dinner lady(man) or school kitchen/cleaning work. I know you said he is anxious meeting new people but some cleaning jobs are lone working.

Sorry if thats not helpful. I can imagine how difficult it is for you getting him to look for work, especially if he is comfortable with things as they are.

He sounds like a pointless leech of a man really, you are doing most of the parenting and also providing the main income. What does he provide other than school pick ups??

I know you say you don't want to leave him , but honestly I can't see this relationship lasting. Your resentment of him will surely grow if this carries on. Maybe you need to point this out to him.

Has he even considered that his current behaviour might drive you away in the end? Does he have a plan of what he would live on if you stopped supporting him?

It sounds to me as if you are just far too accepting of his arguments. He has managed to put together some kind of logical justification to why he 'needs' to live like this and you are all too willing to accept it. The line for me would be 'that doesn't work for me' as the response to pretty much all of his justifications. Unless you shift this somehow, you will look back at some point and wonder how on Earth you wasted your life on this situation. Once DS gets further into school life the demands will escalate - dressing up costumes, parties, homework, after school clubs, sports fixtures or whatever. I doubt very much he will pull his weight and all the oversight of this, which is a huge mental load, will fall on you. I think fundamental here is a change in mindset on what you are willing to accept as the status quo - until you change your position from accepting his justifications, you are stuck here. And what a poor role model he will be setting for your son.

If you do split just be aware as he's not worked so long and claims to be a sahp (despite clearly leaving the bulk of it up to you anyway) he will probably get primary residency in a family court, he would get the house to raise the child in and you would pay him maintenance- if he decides to fight you on it. If you end up leaving you need to put child in childcare for a few months and have an evidence base that you are primary parent. You will be told you can get 50/50 by people on here and it's absolutely a possibility but there is a good chance you only get weekends as he doesn't work

He unilaterally decided to retire at 45 without being able to fund it himself.

You wouldn’t have realised that at the time and it’s a situation that has gradually become more of a problem, so expect a lot of “where has this come from” comments when you sit him down and tell him you aren’t prepared to continue.

And you must do that because he is massively taking the piss. What does that say about his opinion and feelings for you and your family unit?

Tell him that it will be much easier for him to find a job than it will be to find a job and somewhere to live.

Not trying to be mean, but I'm not sure I could stay with someone so useless.

You're doing everything and he has no incentive to change. 🤷‍♀️

I'd be issuing ultimatums pronto.

It sounds like he has some pretty serious mental health condition going on. The amount of exercising, and his focus on it, are not normal. Not is his listening to music - to the extent that he can't interact with his child???

Something major needs to happen here.

The problem is that the court would look on him as the SAHP so if you divorce you may have to support him.

I'm sorry but he's a total freeloader and he's playing you for a fool. He doesn't do his fair share of parenting. Being physically present a couple of hours a day is not parenting. He needs to interact and play and engage. Not wander about in his own musical world. You are being way too kind to him and he's massively taking advantage of.

How can you actually love someone like this? He has no ambition, no self respect, he’s lazy and his interests bore you. You don’t love him, you’re just used to having him around. Time to cut the cord, he needs to put his big boy pants on and find a job. Although at his age, in a niche industry, with 5 years out of the workplace, his chances of actually finding a job now can’t be great!

Could he be a youtuber or similar on other channels as then he wouldn't have to meet people. Could he take ds to a junior parkrun each week ? It's a low key way of meeting people

The iPad thing is a major problem with dads parenting and I'm suspicious some children are being iPad parented when dads get 50:50 so they don't have to pay child support. If your son is sporty it might be he could take him to football clubs etc but it could fall to you as well

I don't think it's bad op doing the school run if it gets her out the house too.

I would agree with at least taking steps to get a cleaner and gardener and at the same time talking about what he won't be able to afford when you pay for it, when it would be exercise for him. If he doesn't step up then go ahead and get one.

Why isn’t he doing school drop offs and pick ups? Or atleast some of them (asking you want to do some)
You shouldnt need to take holiday when he’s off! If he’s a good SAHP he won’t be just using screens.
No job for 5 years? I would have got rid of him a long time ago. He sounds like a teenager you have to parent. What’s the point of applying to jobs if he won’t do a phone interview?! Did he think he’d just get hired off a cv?!

Sounds like he's in a very comfortable position and has no plans to get a job